Advice Column: You're As Dumb As They Come

Dear J-Wunder:

Help me! Let me just rattle off the sitch for you below:

1. I've had the same fuck buddy for 2 1/2 years.
2. Said fuck buddy has lived with his girlfriend for the past 7 years.
3. Fuck buddy has the best of both worlds and only uses me when it's convenient (which is usually every weekend), HOWEVER, shit man, that is convenient for me too! (and yes, his girlfriend is a total space case and doesn't question him when he doesn't come home at night on the weekends)
4. How am I ever going to get the fuck over this cheating-ass-SOB and get myself a boyfriend when dude wants to fuck me every weekend, and I wanna fuck him every weekend.
5. The sex is great.

So, what kind of hilarious suggestions you got for me!?

Sincerely,
I can't think of a creative name - give me one of those too



Dear Idiot,

After reading your question, the only creative name I could ever give someone in your position would be, "idiot". Why? Because you're a fucking idiot. Idiot.

Now, while the hundreds of thousands of Ghetto Genius fans sit in front of their Smartphones and computers anxiously anticipating what the fuck I'm going to say, I know for a goddamn fact they are all thinking one thing:

THIS.BITCH.IS.STUPID.

She must have fell down the dumb fuck tree and hit every damn dip shit on the way down, huh?

You know, I have read a ton of questions in my blogging days and none come close to this one. Why? Well, because this one is special. This one says to me, "Hey J-Wun, there really are some stupid mother fuckers that really ask questions like this in real life. She wants honesty, give it to her like you gave it to that one chick in the Sizzler's bathroom back in 2006."

I don't know where to start, let alone, begin. I'm just going to start typing, so whatever comes out of this column will be my final answer with some sort of solution. Ready, bitch titties?

KILL YOURSELF. PLEASE.

Kidding...kind of.

Here we have a situation that involves probably two of the dumbest people on the planet.

Dumb fuck #1 goes to...

THE GIRLFRIEND.

Either the boyfriend is a master of "playing the game" OR his gal of 7 beautiful years is a goddamn idiot. I'm going to go with the latter and say this broad is not only dumber than a bag of hair BUT probably needs to learn how to breathe-in through the nose and out through the mouth. Any smart woman would find out within a change of boxer briefs her man is doing her dirty and bumping uglies with Skanky McSkeezer because bitches be smart like that sometimes. What woman on this goddamn earth would date a brother and not come to some sort of conclusion that he might be up to something if his ass is always out for "X" amount of time every weekend? Hey, I get couples like some independence in their relationships but the truth is, that shit would not ever fucking fly without something being a little suspect, ya dig? I mean, every weekend he's fucking you? EVERY WEEKEND? Dude must carry around a bar of soap 24/7 because no sane and normal woman would be able to ignore the fragrance of vadija (vagina + dick + sexual juices all mixed in) juice. Hell nah. Don't matter if you say, "it don't smell"...it smells mother fucker, trust me. That's like when you fart and you can't tell a thing but the other 20 people around you are about to roll over and fucking die. Same concept minus the fragrance of dookie and Mexican food. Wait, what?

Bitches might be crazy, but they ain't stupid. Ok, this bitch is fucking stupid but you get the point.

So we know the GF is about as sharp as a bag full of wet marbles and her tank of give-a-fuck runs on fumes. Good for that dumb twatsicle. I am going to go out on a limb and guess she may even have a side piece of her own. I am going to make this limb even sweeter, and guess that she is down for the punanne and not the wang. Because ain't no bitch that loves the dick gonna deal with dick that is on-the-go every fucking weekend. Especially if he's as good at deep dicking as you say he is. Dick loving women without side pieces LOVE shit like going to brunch and Bed Bath and Beyond on the weekend, and if this dude is constantly sticking his weiner in your schnitzel, he is not shopping and brunching with his beloved. Ain't that a bitch?

Maybe dude is rich like Scrooge McDuck and he just lets her swim in his vault full of gold coins and for that reason she doesn't care what he does with his dick as long as the check don't bounce. Case in point, Hugh Hefner. None of those Hoes Next Door care that they are 1 of 7 or 9 or however many cases of the clap he is employing this week, because THEY ARE PAID. Now, I ain't saying she's a golddigger...

Moving on...

The award for Dumb fuck # 2 goes to...drum roll, please...*cue loud ass trumpets*


Y..........O..........U............

Why, you ask? BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. Now, I don't mean to be rude. Wait, what? Yes, I do mean to be rude, because you are obviously not smart enough to use some common fucking sense and get the fuck on with your life. You have been fucking this dude on the side for 2 1/2 years and you know he has a girlfriend? You are a skeezer, a skank, a scally wag, and all the other S words that describe women like you.

Did Daddy not hug you enough growing up and now you don't have any self-respect? What do you do for work? Does it perchance involve a pole, 7" clear plastic shoes and a "stage name?" My guess is yes...yes it fucking does, you goddamn taint goblin.

You are the epitome of "looking for love in all the wrong places."

I gotta say, the best part of your questions had to have been #4:

"How am I ever going to get the fuck over this cheating-ass-SOB and get myself a boyfriend when dude wants to fuck me every weekend, and I wanna fuck him every weekend."

RULE #5 on FWB or FB: If at any moment you spend more than 6 months to 1 year fucking the same "fuck buddy" or "friend with benefits", you have automatically committed yourself to a relationship you will deny over and over and over again. Then proceed to convince yourself and others, "It's just about the sex." Yeah, and Oprah is broke as fuck too, right?

Say whatever the fuck you want. If you can't find a piece of dick outside this dude, two things stand true:

1) You like the mother fucker.

2) You're in love.

By telling me you want to nail this guy every weekend, goes to show you want no other dick. You just say you do because you're trying to "play that card." This isn't about your fuck buddy because at the end of the day, he still has a girlfriend and would probably replace you if you did call it quits. If you don't think he would replace you, guess what? He still has somebody else...somebody he's also been fucking for the last 7 years and has been living with the last two. Winning like a mother fucker, right?

You have your work cut out for you, Skank Sally Magee. You're fucked only for the simple fact that you don't even sound interesting in another relationship and are convincing yourself you want one. However, if you are interested and do move forward on finding a man, I will guar an-fucking-tee one thing, and one thing only...

YOU'LL STILL BE FUCKING YOUR FUCK BUDDY.

Don't believe me, try it out. Ba-leed dat.


You can take that shit to the bank,

Mr. Ghetto Genius