Advice Column: Operation "Let's Be Friends"

Dear Genius,

I have been a fan of your blog for a while now and laugh my ass off everyday over this while working in an infant room. Most of the time they just look at me like I'm crazy but your shits funny.

So I have a problem and I'm tired of all my girls saying this kind of stuff is happening to them. My problem is a simple one I want more penis in my life. I have been with my man now for almost 6 years. When we first got together sex was amazing 2 to 3 times a day kind of stuff. Now I'm lucky to get it once a month if that. Then I usually have to beg him for it. Wtf...Ive tried lingerie, costumes, toys, whips, chains, positions, cleaning the house naked,.even tried getting a threesome with a girlfriend of mine. And she is sexy..kind of girl you would become a lesbian for. I just dont know what to do. He says he doesn't yank it but I know thats a damn lie. If I had one I would yank it all the damn time. He told me he could be a monk. Da fuq does that mean. I have spent more time with Mr. rabbit lately than with him. Any ideas whats going on. We do have a fabulous emotional relationship just no fuckin. Tired of taking care of my stuff solo.

Sincerely
Mrs. Need More Penis


Dear Need More Penis,

Let's just get this shit out of the way...

FACT: At the beginning of EVERY relationship, sex is ALWAYS amazing. People are fucking 4-27 times a day.

The problem...

PEOPLE CHANGE.

When that happens, things fly south.

It doesn't matter if you have the best emotional, no-drama, fun-filled, lovey fucking dovey relationship...without sex, your relationship WILL fail. I'm gonna be honest, your man of 6 lovely years is over it. He's either lazy, not attracted to you or gay. But that's another story.

No man straight up tells his gal, "I could be a monk," if something wasn't going on. We can always bring up the topic of cheating. That's a fucking gimme. Not getting any more dick? "Well he must be fucking somebody else," right? Let's not go there today. Let's venture off somewhere different, somewhere that might be the actual issue. I'm guessing this dude wants to be friends and is too lazy to tell you.

Men LOVE pussy. Ask any heterosexual man out there, they will tell you, "I love to ride the POUND TOWN EXPRESS." Choo choo, mother fucker.

For you to go out of your way to be sexy and show your man you want it all day, errrrday speaks volumes and I commend your ass for sticking to it like the woman you are and trying to keep that fire lit. However, your man...he's pissing on that flame because he doesn't like fires. Especially ones that start at your mouth and end between those thighs. I think I just gave myself a chubby.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that the man you love and have this emotional connection with needs to fucking end, Dickless Desert Storm. You're a broad who has needs. You love fucking and he's not the guy that's gonna be providing you that O-FACE you once received 2-3 times a day. Not a chance in hell, sister. Trust me. If you barely bang your man once a month now, consider investing  a shit ton of stock into "Dildo's for the Lonely Vagina" because you're gonna go through a couple of those high powered sons of bitches if you plan to stay with the man who used to be a MAN. I don't want to hear you or anyone else try to defend him because of "X, Y and Z." He's not fucking you so to me, that poses a problem. He's not into you physically. That disturbs the fuck out of me for the simple fact that relationships die quick when physical play no longer exist. That's like playing basketball with a goddamn football. Sure you can run plays and sprint up and down the court like a bunch of fuck mouths, but you're getting nowhere without the proper piece. That piece being his dick inside your vagina, which I'm sure might be tighter than an anus now because you've been so dick deprived. Which reminds me, shoot me your cell number...I'd fuck you right. Kidding...not really.

You're probably telling yourself, "I can't leave him...I've been with him for so long and we really do get along. I'm just sad that he doesn't want to fuck me anymore. You're crazy, J-Wunder. I needed you to help me find a solution with him, not without him." If this is what you're thinking, which I'm pretty sure crossed your mind, realize this...

If you don't peace out now and end this on a positive note, you're more than likely going to fuck someone else behind his back. The sad part...you're gonna like this new piece of dick and try to live a double life making your pussy happy and keeping your relationship "healthy"and together. Everyone reading this may think I'm lying and full of complete shit, but it happens. That's the problem with mother fuckers these days. They don't have the goddamn balls to tell someone what the problem is and just sit there feeling sorry for themselves. Convincing themselves how great things are when really, they're not. Don't fool a fool, fool. If you have to do that, then shit will blow up in your face. Tell your man that y'all need to relight that fire again or you're out. Nothing wrong being honest. However, there's something wrong not saying anything. If you have said something and nothing has happened, guess what? You need to bounce the fuck out like a fat kid hitting a home run in a game of kickball. Real talk.

Congrats on an amazing emo relationship. Now do me and the world a favor...go find a very tall building and jump right the fuck off. STOP THIS SHIT. If y'all were so emotionally amazing, then y'all would be fucking. A TON. Horny is an emotion. When you have that emotion, you typically fuck like rabbits ready to go Ghostbusters on someones face. You do not talk about the Presidential debate, how the play, "Hamlet", changed your life, or why you love each other so much after 6 glorious years of complete and utter bullshit. Shit or get off the pot and let him know what the fuck is up. Because any man who admits he can be a "monk" is something that clearly speaks Code Red. Time is ticking before his ass puts you in the "Friend Zone"...or tells you he likes playing with nuts in his mouth.

Gotta Keep It 100,

JW