Advice Column: It's Who YOU Are

so, i read your shit all the time, cracks me up! i have a question like all the rest, maybe a little different

i dont know, i dont care....your up front and real with it and i like that

ive been with my man for 3-4-5 years now. we met, dated, undated and just fucked, hung out, fucked, etc for the first year. whatever our sitch, we always fucked! we obviously laid down the hammer after while....years later we still fuck like rabbits. its good, its nasty, its sexy, its hot. we get down and do things that you probably never even thought of before. we have an absolute fucking fantastic sex life. i love it. hell, hes the only one whose found the squirt spot and im the only one whose had him bent over *wink wink* we gets down...

from your manly point of view my question is this

why is it that he constantly has to unload all over my face, ass and titties? i would like to feel the likes of his cock pulsing in my girl parts every now and then

why does he feel the need to still jerk it twice a day? the sex life we have, there is NO WAY i am a bad lay after all this time

the end


Dear The End,

I'm guessing by the way you wrote in, your education level stopped at about 7th/8th grade, huh? I can't tell where the fuck your sentences start or end. It's like you're talking to me without taking a breath. That shit is fucked up but impressive...if you're retarded.

Here's a situation that's a no-brainer. Shame on you for not knowing what the fuck is up. I guess that's why you came to me, right? Let's do this shit!

In life, we all have this vision on how we want people to view us. The way we act or pretend to act, let's those know, "Hey, I need to treat this motherfucker like "X"." Deny it all you want, it's the goddamn truth.

Now, here you are in a fucked up relationship with a guy you've been dating, fucking, sucking, hating, loving, blah, blah fucking blahing. The sex is great and that's about it. The reality is, sometimes it is just about the sex. You could hate a motherfucker but once they get naked, you're in love again. Real talk. But once those 3 minutes are over, you go right back to hating a sonofabitch.

As much as sex is fan-fucking-tastic, why is Don Juan De Fuck-O not busting a nut inside you, rather all over you and still yanking his wang twice a day? The answer I'm about to tell you is true and it's pure fact. Here is the obvious answer to the first part...

Even though you two have amazing sexcapdes, he still jerks off because HE'S A GUY. He's a guy who loves fucking and loves jerking off. "Well J-Wun, is that normal?" Does cum look like expired yogurt, bitch? Of course it's normal, Sweet Tits Magee!!! Come the fuck on with that shit. Look, I don't care how good you fuck this cat, the reality is, he will find the last piece of energy surging through his hand and wang to get that last nut. Even if it means he's O-FACING blood. I would not lie about this shit. Trust. Get the fuck over yourself and the fact that dickboy needs some alone time after he bangs you. God created man to eat, sleep, fuck and jerk off...oh, and get shitface drunk while watching sports. We good? Now onto the second part of your question - How come your man doesn't want to hose down your insides and only the outsides?

The answer to this is very simple.

You acting like a dirty whore, tells him to treat you like a dirty whore. You said it yourself...

"It's good, it's nasty, it's sexy, it's hot. We get down and do things that you probably never even thought of before. We have an absolute fucking fantastic sex life."

It seems not only to myself, but to Dickadamus that you welcome him jizzifying all over your goddamn face, ass and titties every time he nails you. You have set the tone of, "If we fuckin', you can treat me like the whore that I am," every single time. If you're not saying anything, why would he change what he's doing? You have put this dudes mind in that "dirty porn world." He's Jack Le Balls and you're Sasha Grey. Congrats, skank. Now before you go off, shake your head and yell at that computer screen, "Fuck you J-Wunder, I'm no skank. I just like fucking my man in a dirty way and he likes it too." My dear, if you act a certain way, you will be treated a certain way.

Women like bad boys. They date them, have a grand 'ol time then 3 months later wonder why they get treated like shit and why they were cheated on. If you set an expectation, be prepared to have that expectation filled...like a jelly fucking donut or an Asian girl who just got bukak-tified in a 30 man gang bang. Hey, I don't make the rules, I just state the facts. On the other hand, a man wants a lady in the streets and a freak between the sheets. You, my dear, are no fucking lady ANYWHERE, so why would your sexpectations dictate that you should be treated like one, anywhere? Real talk. 

The day you made it alright for your man to hose down your face and have a field day making human splatter paint projects on your ass and titties, was the day you should have set expectations. Instead of you saying, "Babe, I don't mind you making cum murals on my face and body, but can you jizzle in my vizzle every 3rd lay?," you kept your mouth shut and just "went with it"? Why? Because you thought it was nasty, dirty and sexy. It's what made sex all the better, right? By not saying shit, he now has this expectation that he can and will treat you like a whore. I mean, why would he think otherwise? You assumed it would change because getting cum blobbed on was starting to get old and wasn't the business, right? What guy would always want to do that to a woman he's constantly having sex with? Here's some words of advice: NEVER ASSUME THINGS WILL CHANGE IF YOU DON'T SAY SHIT.

The only problem you have is that your mouth only wants to work when you're sucking cock and not telling him what's good for you. Set an expectation and they will run with it. So until you actually speak the fuck up, keep enjoying those face, ass and titty cum-filled hose downs. Shit or get off the pot.

You're Welcome,

J-Wunder