Advice Column: Is The Bark Bigger Than The Bite?

Dear Mr. All Mighty J-Wunda,

I've been a fan for a while and always have a laugh with the shit you say to your fans as advice, as funny and fucked up as it may come out its normally right on the money....so i figure hey why not give it a shot and present this guy with my dilema.

I've been married for almost 2 years and have known my husband for 5. when i first met him he was all over the place thought he was the shit. But then so was I (this was sophomore year of college for me) but as time went on we settle down got a place, got married, and have a baby girl now. here is where my problem is, ever since I've known him hes been an attention whore. especially when he seeks attention from other females. He likes to flirt whether its with random girls or with women he has known from high school and used to have a thing for he will even flirt with the freakin waitress if it means we get free drinks at the bar.  now i know and he knows he would never cheat on me and i on him we love each other like crazy and have a very healthy relationship....when i say VERY i mean we literally make love/fuck/whatever u want to call it almost every night with kinky shit....and....well to sum it up its HEALTHY, all around not just the fuckin part either.....but i admit i still snoop his facebook from time to time....where i always find these messages from other girls like saying "hey girly how you been....i don't have your number, thats a problem...." or "hey I'm free during the week when do you want to take me up on that ice skating offer." Now I'm pretty sure hes never been on these dates or even met with the girls bcuz hes either at work or at home with me and the baby or we go out everywhere together. But i guess what I'm trying to ask is "why does he feel the need to talk to the talk with these girls, and not walk the walk...." why does he like to have these little side convos with other females from time to time but not go any further with them.  And then have the nerve to tell me hes hurt that i go thru his facebook cuz i don't trust him.....Any advice would be appreciated!!!!!!

L.B.


Dear L.B.,

First and foremost, thank you for writing in. It's fans like yourself who take the risk of putting yourselves out there and basically hope and pray I don't embarrass your ass to the fullest. Bottom line, I give advice based on experience and what I know from what I see. Is my advice always spot on? Not always. Is there truth to it? 100%. So let's break open this condom and begin, shall we?

You are in a situation where shit just needs to stop. For starters, you need to stop being that crazy bitch and trolling his Facebook page because let's be honest...if you weren't crazy, you wouldn't be doing it, right? Secondly, he needs to get the fuck over himself and know his glory days are long gone. Y'alls is married with a kid for crying out fucking loud. Unless you guys have some sort of fucked up "open relationship," then stop the bullshit because at the end of the day, some mother fucker WILL get hurt. I don't care if it is just "innocent". Shit gets out of control and all of the sudden, a dead body is reported floating down a river on the 10 'o clock news. People die over stupid shit like this...or end up in jail.

FACT: People LOVE attention.

I love it, you love it, your narcissistic ass husband loves it...hell, we ALL fucking love it. The problem - he loves it so much that he's willing to run with it til shit gets his ass in trouble. What I mean is that he's willing to push the envelope so far with these monkey mouth bitches that he's gonna fuck you over while fucking one of them or shit blows up because you went "Fatal Attraction" crazy because you don't trust this fool and just up and leave the sonofabitch. So while you sit there, shaking your head and saying, "No, no, no...my hubby ain't like that and I trust him with all my heart," do me a favor...stop fucking kidding yourself.

Realize the attention your man looks for has a purpose. That purpose being that he is still the mother fucking man who knows he's still has game. Still has the ladies...when he wants it. Hey, it's great y'all have a HEALTHY relationship. But if you ask any woman who wants a "one woman man" that would say their relationship is healthy if this shit went down, you know how many broads would say their relationship was healthy? ZERO FEMALES WOULD SAY THIS IS HEALTHY. Don't fool yourself into thinking just because you two fuck like rabbits and it's "all-around" good that nothing bad will go down. For fucks sake, you're checking the dudes Facebook any chance you get then calling him out on the bitches he's talking too. Still healthy? Just sayin', Sugar Tits. Check your shit at the door and stop playing "Leave It To Beaver." You ain't fooling anybody. In the words of Sweet Brown...

"AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT."

Even though you say he talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk, what makes you think he isn't walking? We all have agenda's and if I was a betting man, when his agenda is free and clear, he just might be doing what you don't want to be thinking. Trust me, people can be some sneaky mother fuckers. I know people who live two lives and the folks around them had no goddamn idea. You know why that is? Because those Shady McShaders plan their shit to a point where it drives others so fucking crazy that they actually think they ARE crazy and ARE "just trippin'". No one wants to look like an ass especially if they are wrong, right? Now, I'm not saying your man is cheating on you with these other sloots. I'm just saying why would he just do it, to do it? Society has all sorts of fucked up things wrong with them and certain people have reasons as to why they do things. But tell me this...what's his reason? This young blood is married to you and is the father to your baby girl. Seems to me like he's bored and wants to "play a little". Is that your fault? From how healthy your relationship sounds, it shouldn't be. How-the-fuck-ever, you are put in a position where you don't know if he's coming or going. He's pulling the ultimate mind-fuck that even has myself scratching my balls like a bad rash from a Spring Break hook-up. Wait, what?

Don't play into his game of "I'm so hurt that you don't trust me honey. I'm a good guy..." bullshit. Does this cat realize you caught him red-handed? Word to the wise: If you have to defend yourself more than you should, it's because you are guilty. Real goddamn talk. Or, you're just a real crazy bitch that needs to stop acting like she's on her period 24/7. But that's neither here nor there. As I was saying...

No one does shit, just to do shit as a game. It's like regret...why the fuck would anybody regret something when they had full intention on doing it in the first place? Say whatever the fuck you want, if you have intentions, don't have fucking regret. Doing that just makes you look like a dumb fuck that needs a good open hand slap to the face (thanks, H-Bomb)...Rick James style.

The only thing I'm gonna say is that as much as you love your husband and he loves you (so he says), why would he be doing what he's doing when he knows it's wrong? I get people flirt. Shit, I flirt all the goddamn time. Sometimes I get the chubby and everything. However, there's a fine line when it comes to flirting with someone "innocently" and disrespecting the person you're with...let alone fucking married to. This dude IS disrespecting you...I don't give a shit if you or the thousands of people reading this disagree.

Your relationship ain't healthy until your man stops with the bullshit and you quit checking his goddamn Facebook like you're the mother fucking FBI. You aren't, are you?

Healthy is trust. Healthy is communication. Healthy is no drama. Healthy is WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE.

Love me or hate me, you're gonna take what I said and give it some thought. And you can take that shit to the bank.

Do what you gotta do but make sure y'all keep shit real. If you love each other that much, it shouldn't be a problem now, should it?

I'm Out This Bitch,

J-Wunderful