Advice Column: Dust Off The Cockwebs

Hey ghetto masters,

I have a problem. I am in a bad dry spell havent gotten any pussy in over six months now.  I never had an issue before pulling in some decent tail but after getting out of a 2 year relationship n being single for over a year now.  I can never seem to close the deal. Need some good advice.



Dear Cockwebs,

Six months, huh? You're almost like a born again virgin and shit. Well player, you came to the right goddamn place. Grab a pen, some paper, a cocktail and take some notes. I'm going to get you back in the saddle before you even know it. You're welcome.

Whenever anyone gets out of a long term relationship (especially men), getting back on the playing field is fucking tough. It's like you have to learn how to ride a bike again. How to balance, spin those pedals and hope you don't fall the fuck off and break your neck. Women in this situation have it easier than men. Truth. Why? Because they have a V-A-G-I-N-A. Plain and simple. Doesn't matter if they don't have any game and are completely fucking clueless...all it takes is a smile, a nod and for them to give the green light to a guy. Even if it's a rebound or "I hate my ex" fuck, chicks control their own damn destiny. I hate it but love it at the same time. Why? Because I've been lucky enough to find those chicks who just threw free pussy at me and all I did was smile and make sure my fly wasn't undone. Thanks ladies!

You need to get back in the game, but how? As troublesome you may think this is, it's really not. Your heads just not in the game. You're thinking too much. You're doing too much. You're not YOU. From the moment you became single the first thought in your mind probably was, "It's time to get back at it and start fucking tons of chicks." See, this is where you lost every ounce of man in you.

Rule #1 in getting back in the game: BE YOU.

Women smell bullshit...even the slutty ones. Women also smell douchebags...even the really slutty ones. Before you got with your girl, I know you smashed a little bit of ass, right? And when you did, shit probably came easy? Why? Because you were YOU and stuck to your gameplan time and time again. What that gameplan entailed only you know. You threw it out there, bitches gobbled it up and off you went making chicks cream on your wang while you did the walk of shame the next morning. BTW - Never invite chicks over to your place to bang them if at all possible...that's how you get stalkers and shit. I have been a victim of this many a times. But I digress...

When you get involved in a long term relationship, your guard is down, you relax, you get content and well, no one judges. It's just you and your girl. That's all that matters. But how did you get to that point in getting this broads attention? What did you say? How did you say it? How did you act? Were you funny? Did you tell her you had a humungous cock that could choke a rhino? What, what, what, what, what did you do to seal the fucking deal, man? What sealed the deal with her and the rest of the chicks you had relations with? Be it, actual relationships or drunken one night stands. You know what you did? You kept it real, mother fucker. Bitches dig REAL. Bitches may dig and laugh at a few corny ass pick-up lines, but only to a certain extent. Females know what a guy wants within the first 10 seconds of meeting them. If you give off a "I want to fuck tonight" vibe, chicks will sense it and they'll either be on the same page as you, or ignore you like you don't even exist. When you don't exist, that means you act and sound desperate. OR maybe just fucking ugly. And I'm almost certain that's not who you are...but right now, for these last six months, you're acting like you don't know what pussy is and will do anything to get at it. Again, desperate. Don't be that monkey mouth bitch. Please.

It doesn't take much to get a woman's attention. Good conversation, eye contact, laughter, intelligence and some Jedi-Mind fucking is all you need. Be cool. Be you. Know what they want, you would want if some broad approached you first. Desperate times call for desperate measure only when you need to 1) Jump on a grenade and be that ultimate wingman, 2) Are so drunk you're not gonna remember anyway and 3) You have given up on fucking life.

Stick to what you know. Stick to what I'm fucking telling you. Why? Because I don't say shit, just to say shit. I may not be the best looking mother fucker around, but I know for damn certain, I could pull more ass than some fuck mouth who does too much. Females don't want too much. You know what females want? Females want "just right". If you have no idea what I'm saying, then you're fucked. This isn't the Da Vinci Code and there are no black lights to read the hidden messages on the walls of your mom and dads basement. Sack the fuck up, go back and find your original swag and I promise player, you'll be al-fucking-right.

Oh, and here is the most important thing to remember: When you go out and desperately try to find pussy, you won't find shit. Never look for it...it'll look for you.

Time to dust off the cockwebs,

J-Wunder