Advice Column: The Dilemma

Dear J-Wunder,

I know this isn't your usual area of expertise but you do live in the bay area and you seem pretty open to all lifestyles so here it goes...

I am a 30 year-old lesbian I have been with men before, but I never really liked it - penises freak me out. My co-worker recently asked me to have a three-some with him and his boyfriend using a strap-on. I am intrigued. They are both very attractive, and I would like to try it, if only for the story. However, I am worried that TWO penises will really freak me out. I also worry that my strap-on skills, while great for the ladies, would bore two 6'2" gay men. Do you think I should do it? Can you recommend a way to get over my penis fear?  Is it a bad idea to try this out with a co-worker?

Sincerely,
Menage a Dong



Dear Menage a Dong,

I have no words for the shit I just fucking read. No words. There are one million other fucking questions in this world and this is the one you chose to fucking ask me, huh? You sonofabitch. I read this and laughed. Not because the question was funny, but because I had to ask myself over and over again, HOW THE FUCK I AM GOING TO RESPOND?! I'm not homophobic nor do I have a hatred for gay people. Matter of fact, I fucking love gay people (not in a gay fucking way though). But when I get put in a situation where I have to find some sort of "solution" to you fucking two, 6'2", good looking, gay males...then we have a fucking problem. And when I say "fucking", I mean, you fucking them....IN.THE.ASSHOLE. With a goddamn strap-on you bang other hot lesbian chicks with. Daily.

And as bad as I don't want to answer this question, I feel that it is my duty to guide you as best as I can so at the end of the day, you take what I say and apply it, how you best see fit. What you wrote me was not only a head scratcher, but you now have me channeling some type of gay energy that a mother fucker like me doesn't even have. I mean, I listen to Prince once in a while, but that's as gay as my fucking mind will let me go. God I fucking hate you. In any case, pay close attention and learn a thing or two on how a dude like me has a solution to anything and everything. I'll just say this now...You're Welcome.

Lets begin...

I'm not sure why penises freak you the fuck out. I mean, you think a vagina is something beautiful to look at? That shit looks like a goddamn london broil that was kicked around for 3 goddamn days on some rough ass terrain, then cut down the center with a battle axe to give it some character. So if it's the look of a penis that scares you, just know that what lies in your pants, is just as bad. Minus the balls, of course. Ok...maybe it's not the look of the dong and you just had a bad experience? Back in your heterosexual days, did someone bang you so hard that you had to cruise around in a wheelchair for a few weeks due to the loss of feeling in your lower extremities...specifically your vagina? Maybe you were shot in the eye with a cum laser so fierce, you had to wear an eye patch for awhile? Whatever it may be, being scared of the wang is the least of your worries. You know what you should be scared of? The fact that your gay co-worker basically asked you to ass ram him and his boyfriend with your 12 inch strap-on from behind. I don't care if you're gay or straight. Just the fact that someone straight up asked you to ram something other than a real wang in their asshole "for fun", blows me the fuck away. Matter of fact, it makes MY asshole hurt. I've never personally shoved anything in my anus, nor have I had some broad try to pull some funny business near my taint but, I can't imagine you standing behind two big ass dudes with this "Megatron Dildo 5000" and fuck them til the sun comes up. I mean, shit. Damn. Ouch. Are we really talking about this right now?

Look, I'm all for a good gangbang, but this? This shit ain't right. I mean, watching two dudes playing "taste the popsicle sticks" while you're ass jabbing them with your 12 inch titanium hardware isn't my idea of fun. That shit sounds scary and almost worth calling the cops for some type of crime that's being committed. Where does your enjoyment come in to the picture? Do gay dudes even makeout with lesbians? Is this threesome kinda like one of those blindfolded "trust walks" where they depend on you "showing them things they've never experienced"? I'm no fucking expert on gay dudes but, I'm pretty sure they don't fuck around with chicks for a reason, right? That's why they're fucking gay. Because bitches didn't do it for them and they wanted something more superior. Like a rock-hard dong to slap them around once in a while. Oh, and don't forget a good manly bear hug from time to time. Kinda like how dudes don't do it for you. You don't like it, so instead, you choose to carpet munch and get in on a little scissor-locking action. By the way, what is up with lesbo's and scissor locking? I mean, that shit looks cool in porno's but what does it actually do besides look really fucking frustrating and epileptic?

I know you're intrigued with possibly doing this but ask yourself this very question...what's in it for you...besides the fact that you know how to fuck a dude in the asshole with the "Megatron Dildo 5000"? You like chicks. You hate dudes. You love vagina. You despise dick. Pussy tastes lovely. Cock tastes like malt liquor. Sex with chicks is easy clean up. Sex with dudes is a leaking vagina for at least 24 hours. Chicks know other chicks hot buttons. Dudes are hit and miss. Lesbo's can pick what size dong they like (ie dildo's, vibrators). What a man gives you is either going to be a complete fucking fail, expand your vagina or be just right. What's in it for you? It's obviously nothing that has to do with cock because you're the one that will be wearing one. It's not about fear and it's definitely not about if fucking your co-worker and his boyfriend in the asshole is the right thing to do. If you have to think about it, then the damage has already been done. So throw all that "awkward" bullshit out the window. The dude made it very clear he wants your cock in their assholes. Plain.And.Simple.

I don't know if I answered your question or if this was any help. Just know this: 1) I've been listening to Prince to help me find some inspiration in writing this column, 2) I wrote this column based on what gay dudes like...and that is getting their assholes tickled, 3) I based this off what lesbo's don't like...cock, 4) 67.7% of this column is completely not accurate, 5) You will do it. Not to spite me. But to prove something to yourself. And that is knowing a lesbo with a "Megatron Dildo 5000" can fuck a dude better than a dude fucking a dude. That shit ain't right and I hope you never tell me what the fuck happens if you decide to move forward with this.

Could this be the column where I finally get it wrong? Probably. But at the end of the day, I'm usually right. Even if I ain't fucking gay.

What Just Happened,

J-Wunder