Advice Column: The CRAZY Next Door

Hey.. So just the other night I had to go through the most rage I have ever had to go through in my life, at least it felt like it - well, I'm totally lying, its been worse like the time i took a stop stop and beat the fuck out of my bf's work truck to make him come out of his house. But I digress (so soon, wtf?)

Anyway, I was hurt to say the least at what transpired. We had had an argument on Tuesday night.. nothing really (to me at least). He claims I am too honest because I say shit the way it is. He said he had to leave my apt to get his weed. Given he is my landlord and lives next door, it shouldn't take more than 5 minutes.. anyway, his 5 minutes usually turns into 1.5 hrs because he totally has ADD. So I say as he's leaving, ok, see ya in an hr. Apparently he didn't like that. Whoops, my big ole bad. As Usual. Anyway, I stop by at like 11 pm, which was like 3 hrs after he left initially to get his weed. I sit down, he doesn't talk to me, so I say "you don't want to talk to me?" his annoying reply "I just wanted to watch a movie, you are just too honest, I was planning on coming back in 10 minutes" . So with that,  I took my fine self back to my side of the duplex. Fuck you, jerkoff. Don't tell me I'm too honest. Grow some balls and either 1) tell me STFU or 2) tell me to deal with it. DO something you fucking idiot... don't just be a pussy ass bitch when I come over to make sure you haven't taken too much adderol. Anyway, that was Tuesday night. Wednesday I was still annoyed when I got home from work.. I stayed on my side, didn't go to say hi until about 9 pm.. when I was fully loaded. He was gone. He had left. I was like what the mother fucking fuck? He doesn't tell me he's "running out"? Well, he has a history of running off, so I am wondering.. will he come back or is he "out for the night".. I decided at about 3 am he was out for the night. So I decided to leave him a little love note on the dry-erase board in his room. Why he has this on his wall, I have no fucking clue, but of course I used it to my advantage. I erased all his "to do's" and replaced it with my words of love... When I was done I took about 20 pictures of my art. Any advise on how to handle a fucking unstable adult? I'm talking about him.. I can handle myself, as unstable as I may be. I know I'm fucking crazy, but he is lucky  to have had me. Real talk right thure.. If you need close up's of the work I performed, let me know..

~ Seriously Pissed the Fuck Off...

Dear Seriously Pissed the Fuck Off,

So you...but hate...someone is mad? But, huh? ADD? Unstable? You did what? Hold on...wait, what?

I said ^^^^^ those exact words when I read your email...24 TIMES!!!! Reading your letter is exactly why I watch Intervention and Hoarders. After I watch those shows, I feel better about myself because I know that there are people who are WAY more fucked up than me out there. And you are motherfucking proof positive, with that shit above. I actually started hearing voices when I read your email.

I get tons of email, every day. Some are pretty good ones. Some are pretty boring. And some...some are VERY SPECIAL. Yours? Yours is special. Indeed! 

I'm not sure if you're high, drunk or just goddamn delusional. I am pretty goddman sure you are nipping at your BF's adderol. Which is like legal speed. Because you seem totally calm and collected when I read you email.

What I'm about to say, you're probably not going to like. However, the fans reading this, will LOVE. You ready? Here it goes....

YOU.ARE.FUCKING.CRAZY.

That's not a misprint. It's not a lie. It's not made up and I'm not drunk while writing this.

YOU.ARE.FUCKING.CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - - - - - - - - - -ZY.

When I read such things as "rage" or "the time i took a stop stop (btw, what the fuck does "stop stop" mean?) and beat the fuck out of my bf's work truck to make him come out of his house," you know what goes on in my head? Nothing about the person you're complaining about...rather, YOU. I actually picture you, chain smoking 52 cigarettes, snorting adderol and pacing the house in your boyfriends tighty-whites and wife beater covered in 3-day old hamburger helper, saying to yourself, "I am gonna get this motherfucker." *evil grin while sharpening knives*

Sorry to break this to you (no I'm not) but, your "boyfriend" ain't the fucking problem. Helllllll motherfuckingnaaaaahhhhh!!!!! You can think so all you want...he's not.

Bottom line - you're just crazy. On top of that...you seem like a bitch, too. And you know what?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! 

I don't know how serious this relationship really is, nor do I care, all I know is just because this dude "doesn't like your honesty," doesn't mean he's the guy with the issue. It also doesn't mean he's the one who is "unstable". Do you realize you flat out admitted that you went "The Shining" on your ex's truck and are in the midst of going Defcon 5 Pyscho on your man, Mr. Roper (if you guys don't know Mr. Roper, then you apparently haven't watched Three's Company...or I'm just too fucking old)?!?! 

You, Sweet Tits, are the unstable one. You got some fucked up issues. Like, really fucked up issues. You're crazy, insane, psycho. You seem to not trust ANYBODY. So what your guy went "out for the night"? Last I checked, people have lives and like to go the fuck out. While he didn't want to deal with your bullshit, he went out...probably with some friends, got fucked up, had a good time. Who knows...he might have gotten laid too. By someone who isn't going to peel his face off and make a mask out of it, afterwards. For that, I can't knock the guy. You crazy. No one reading your rant feels bad for you. Real talk. 

While you sit there, shaking your head, in some sort of angry rage, waiting to kill me next, please know you put yourself in this situation. Don't blame your man, don't blame his ADD and don't blame him for not speaking up and "having some balls". What bitch in their right mind would be with "a bitch," any way? I mean, I'm no fucking Albert Einstein but the truth is, you are taking shit to the next level. Fuck that...you are taking shit to a whole upper echelon of complete and utter fuckery. Translation - you are about to go "Fatal Attraction" with a dash of "The Crush", "Friday the 13th", "Silence of the Lambs" and a hint of "Saw - parts 1 thru however many they got now," on a motherfucker.  Did you ever consider that when he goes home for an hour, after telling you he is going to be gone for 15 minutes, it is because he needs a breather from the 24-7 batshit crazy that is you? I bet your crazy ass is great in bed, though. Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed. Wait, what? 

Here is the advice that you so desperately need.

Woman: CHILL THE FUCK OUT. 

Reading your email, I was like, "Ok, I can see where she might be coming from." Then I scrolled down and saw your "art". First thing I did - shook my head, grabbed a beer and said repeatedly, "This bitch is crazy. She crazy. She might kill me if I respond to her. She is crazy. Reminds me of those 7 girls I dated from 1996-2003." I bet you sometimes make "art" on your own walls, with your own dookie. You seem like you might just be that nutty. Straight up. 

Maybe I'm taking this shit to the extreme but why would someone do what you did and expect me or anyone else to believe your boy is the crazy one? Have you read the shit you wrote? Lemme guess...you were "fucked up, angry and confused," huh? Bitch please. If that right there doesn't say, "This broad is in the first stage of serial killer" training, then I really don't know what to tell ya. Except that you really need to think about some professional help. And stop snorting your man's adderol. Obviously, it's not helping your Crazy-DD. 

STOP THIS SHIT. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. CHILL THE FUCK OUT. 

I am going to watch the news closely. Hopefully I don't see some shit on Nancy Grace regarding a landlord who was eaten by his girlfriend who had too many "bathsalts" and adderol. 

Crazy bitch,

J-WunderhelpmeGodIdon'twantthisbitchtofindmeandkillme