I hope this message finds you well. You probably don't remember me from Saturday night because well, you were too busy on the phone talking to your goddamn cat sitter drinking an Arnold Palmer at our table. Talking to your cat sitter drinking an Arnold fucking Palmer...on a damn date!
I don't know whose life has just turned for the worst...yours or mine.
I knew I shouldn't have registered on Match.com. Why? Because I meet weird bitches like yourself...who go on "dates" and talk about their fucking animals. Specifically, their cat named "French Fry". C'mon lady, "French Fry?" For fuck's sake, this was brutal. As I sat there drinking my martini trying not to punch you in the esophagus, I tried to be in-tune to what you were saying. I think by the third minute when you uttered the words, "My little oochie-poochie kitty cat is at home sick," I wanted to stab myself with my salad fork and just die instantly.
How does a woman like yourself be so out of touch with society? I mean, your profile said you were an outdoorsy girl who loves sports and social events. Knowing this WAS the case, I was super fucking stoked and I thought to myself, "Finally, a girl just my style. Maybe this could be the one." Then I meet you and it looks like you have been held captive in your home since 1991 and took a huge fucking liking to pepperoni Hot Pockets and instant mashed potatoes. Outdoorsy girl? The only outdoorsy thing you've probably done was take out the trash. Love sports? Eating is actually a sport so you got me there. Social events? Playing Shakespeare in the fucking park with your cat is not social. That shit is fucked up, scary and downright wrong.
You said you looked like Jennifer Aniston. Fuck no you didn't. You looked more like Yao Ming...IF HE WAS AMERICAN. Do you know how hard it was not to ask the waiter for a whole bottle of vodka and 151 so I could attempt to see what you looked like wasted? I thought paying $12/martini would help the cause. Guess what? It didn't even dent the cause. I will no longer be able to masturbate for the next 3-4 weeks.
After listening to your written screen play, "The Adventures of French Fry and Michelle," I was convinced this was payback for the time I put a paper bag over that cross-eyed girls head in college when I agreed to have sex with her. Even though she was dumb enough and drunk enough on following through with this so-called "fetish" of mine, I knew for damn certain, being on this date was Karma. I knew I should have kept going to church...at least watched Joel Osteen on t.v. But how I was supposed to know? You labeled yourself as "The one for Mr. Right." FUCK.MY.LIFE.
You tricked me and tricked me good, Cat Woman. I knew I shouldn't have gotten to the restaurant early. I fucking hate good habits sometimes. However, as bad as I want to say the night ended, it wasn't that bad. I mean, how could I be mad at some chick who not only paid for dinner and got me drunk but in the end, gave me a blow job in front of my house as I meowed like a cat when you made me O-FACE. Wait, what? (that one was for you J-Wunder)
I'll admit, I thought it was a dream...then I woke up in my bed the next day still wearing a condom. You gave me a blow job with a condom on? That's fucked up shit. Meow.
Well played cat woman, well fucking played.
I hope to never see your face again,
Your Match.com date
18 comments:
Lol that's awesome xD
Lmao...punch you in the esophagus
Awesome! There is only ever one pussy on any date I'm on, mine!
OMG! That was fucking HILARIOUS! I'm still laughing as I read it for the third time.
I fucking love this site! Whenever I'm feeling down in the dumps about my life, I can come here and read how there are so many people worse off than me.
wow ... shit like this kinda find me ...
Im sorry you got a bj while having to wear a condom. that makes me want to cry.
That is one fucked up date...but at least she paid. And what.the.fuck! Ablow job with a condom on, who the fuck would do that!! That is horrific! Just swallow...its gonna be fine, you might even find you like it :)
Ohmygod! I just shot some juice out of my nose... Thanks fortge great morning start!
I was Rolling with laughter. I love stories like these! You got a blow job with a condom on from a chick that looked like Yao Ming and is creepily into her kitty, the only kitty she should be that into is her own vagina. I would be greatful for the condom after all of that. Lol.
Wouldn't the condom taste worse than... never mind, I retain a faith that not all women are psycho. Happy wednsday f*ckers!
Only prostitutes use a condom during a blow job. She must be experienced on the 1 time dates. Consider your self lucky since she paid for the meal and still gave you a happy ending.
The adventures of French Fry and Michelle LMFAO
U didnt want to fuck that bro. Bet her pussy smelled like the last placenta "french fry" licked up. Amd the condom blowjob... thats just classy. Id like to know that the taste and experience was terrible for her, but becomming to me. Epic.
This is supposed to be funny? Douchebags aren't funny, they are pathetic.
Thank you for that, I seriously almost pissed myself. Sorry your match was not successful.
The person leaving the douchebag comment must be a very unattractive fat bitch.
HaHaHa! OMG!!! This was truly hilarious. MEOW!!!
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