Bitch betta have J-Wunder's bail money

I should know better than to answer the phone in the middle of the night. However, when I see Alameda County Corrections show up on my phone, I know whatever is waiting for me on the other line is well worth the disruption of my much needed beauty sleep.

"This is a phone call from The Santa Rita Jail. You have a collect phone call from __________ _________, (I know his real name, but I will never divulge that to anyone for less than $5), to accept the charges, press 1. To decline, simply hang up." All of a sudden, I was wide awake and could not wait to hear what the fuck this dumb mother fucker had to say to me now. See, J-Wundercunt likes to get drunk and call me in the wee hours of the night. He says it’s cheaper than phone sex and he doesn’t feel as dirty afterwards. Not that there is anything sexy about a babbling, sloppy drunk, who wants to tell me about the "hot" girl he smashed and then sends me a picture of some Ricki Lake from Hairspray looking bitch. Usually after about 20 minutes of this, I tell him I smell a gas leak in my house and I need to evacuate immediately. That dumb mother fucker forgets that he called my cell phone and I could just walk outside, but at least it gets him off the phone and me back to dreaming about Eric from Trueblood.

So, when I get this call in the middle of the night, from a jail, my thoughtsicles start going into overdrive as to what kind of fuckery went down. It was hard to hear what he was saying at first, between the crying, screaming, and what could only be the sounds of someone making his sweet Guamaican ass their bitch for the evening, but it sounded like he said, "Cuntface, open your wallet, pull out one of your credit cards and bail my fucking ass out of jail." OK, there was no crying or screaming, and I can neither confirm or deny if he was ass-raped, but that silver-tongued gay fox did call me a cunt and tell me to bail him out of jail. I started yelling at him asking, "why in the name of Lindsey Lohan was he calling me in the middle of the night and what the fuck did he do THIS TIME to get his ass back in jail and for fucks sake, why was he giggle like a teenage girl who just got fingered for the first time? This shit is NOT that funny." He knows that while I am a consummate fuck-up, I am also a respected member of the legal community where I live and shit like this makes me mad, because he is a grown ass man and some of his shenanigans are just fucking ridiculous.

"Allegedly," he was asleep in his car (I had previously lectured him about drinking and driving and threatened to castrate him if he ever got pulled over again) because he didn't want to drink and drive (for fear of castration), but was so drunk he didn't notice he was in a tow-away zone. Goddamn oblivious motherfucker. I swear some days I want to slap the taste out of his mouth, because instances like this make me  think he is borderline retarded. Genius, my ass. More like Forest Mother Fucking Gump. But, back to the lesson at hand. He goes on to tell me that he was still kind of foggy when he came to and he just jumped in the front seat and tried to drive away.

But the car wouldn't move.

J-Wunder, in all of his non-genius-glory, failed to notice that a) his car was 6 feet in the air on the flat bed of a town truck and b) was facing in the opposite direction of traffic. And that dumb ass mother fucker still tried to drive the truck off the tow truck. Like a Boss. Not. At this time, I can only assume because I was not there, this is when the driver notice some kind of fuckery happening and pulled over. The rest of the details are really fuzzy because Wundercunt was still borderline incoherent, but what I could gather from his rambling and non-sensical baby talk, was that this fool amongst men was yelling at people, cursing, and causing all kinds of a ruckus, because he just wanted to go the fuck home and go the fuck to sleep. The driver had another idea and called the cops and our boy was tossed in the drunk tank. With a bunch of trannies, ass-rapists and a few other drunk brethren.

Needless to say, I am oscillating between cracking the fuck up and freaking the fuck out. He is the only degenerate friend that is constantly being incarcerated, so this is new territory for me. 

As he is regaling me with his tale of foolery, I am looking up the charges and what not online and his bail is rather expensive - they are trying to charge him with DUI, as well as public intoxication, resisting arrest and vandalism (there was damage to the tow truck), so his bail is quite expensive. Being the cunt face that I am, I agree to post his bail.

But, as I have pointed out, since he called me a cunt face, I make him sweat it out in jail. For 10 hours. I mean, hello, I live on the east coast and I have to get ready for work... I thought to myself, "I got your cunt face, mother fucker. I hope you like jello and ass rapes, because I am going to let you sit and think about what you did." Plus, I have to call a west coast bail bondsman AND put my house up as collateral. Fucking dumb ass Guamaican moron.

And if that mother fucker skips his court date or on his bail. He better pray Dog The Bounty Hunter comes after him, and not me.  REAL.

To be continued...