Advice Column: Break Up To Make Up

hi there,

i just love the way you fuck the shit out people in your advice column , its like devil himself does this handy work. i kind off need the similar kind of kick on my arse so that i can get my shit straight

my problem is a very retarded one , its about my relationship i am trying to pull off this long distance thingy with a girl , and i try my best to work that shit out but i end up failing and i dump her after every 2 -3 months of "GOOD" and "HAPPY" time and when i get lonely i contact her again and because of her never ending love for me she takes me back and then i hurt her again , i know that i am a fucking moron for doing that.

currently we are in our 6th breakup , there were alot of tears and begging but as i am the spawn of devil himself i dumped her again.and i am fucking happy all i want right now is not going back after a month or two so plz help me in kicking the fucking shit of my arse so that i get my direction straight.

your fan from Pakistan

SOS -stranded out sucker




Dear SOS,

You know what's fucked up? Mother fuckers like you. You know what's even more fucked up? Broads like your girl who are stupid enough to take your sorry ass back....over and over and over again. True story.

I'm gonna be honest because I'm an honest fucking guy. Here at Ghetto Genius Headquarters we don't sugar coat shit because well, that's just not our style. We want our fans to get straight up, 100%, no bullshit, in your face advice because at the end of the day, you'll be better for it. So hopefully after my diatribe, you will take my advice, man the fuck up and move the fuck on without having an ounce of guilt or whatever the fuck is going on in that fucked up head of yours. Ready? Good, because I'm not. Roll with me here, playa...

YOU'RE SELFISH. LET YOUR GIRL GO.

There's a name for fellas like you. You know what that name is? THE PUPPET MASTER. Real talk.

I don't care what you say, how you feel, what's going on in your head...bottom line, you have control, you know it, you're taking advantage of it and YOU FUCKING LOVE IT. You love it so much that you're on your 6th mother fucking break-up. Are you in junior high, ass clown? Who the fuck breaks up that many times and calls that love, let alone a relationship?! You can cut through all the bullshit of endless feelings, and all that blah, blah, blah monkey mouth bitch talk...you need to stop acting like a fucking cuntboy and she needs to wake the fuck up. Both y'all are acting like some soggy ass bitches. Yes, I said soggy, you wanna know why? Because your shits been hanging out at the bottom of the glass for a long ass time and needs to be thrown the fuck away. Soggy ass.

Society loves power. It's what makes us take advantage of things we know we can control. Doesn't matter the situation, control is the most powerful thing one can have. Especially if they know the other person is so powerless, no matter what you say or do, they will always listen and come back to you. It's the Jedi-Mind shit gone too far.

I bet when you are arguing, you have the nerve to ask your girl if she is crazy...which she is, now. Because of you. I'm even willing to go out on a limb and say this chick used to be a fairly normal, stable, well-adjusted broad but after "X" time of your emotional fuckery she doesn't know whether to wind her ass up or scratch her watch. Women go gay because of shit like this. And not the cutesy, bi kinda gay where they let a man watch sometimes. I'm talking like full-on bull-dyke, punch a dude in his fucking throat for even blinking in their lady's direction, kind of gay. And I love me some gay women, so bitches, don't get it twisted.

Obviously, you know you are fucked up. You know you are fucking your girl up. And yet you keep doing it. Are you retarded? No, that is an insult to retards. What you are is a sociopath. Do you have a basement in Pakistan, where you may or may not be hiding a great, big fat girl that you are going to skin to make a vest with tits, Buffalo Bill style? What you're doing is on the same level as that shit. I only pray that Karma doesn't uppercunt you for what you are doing, homeboy.

Yes, there is some blame because the dumbass girl keep coming back to you. She is a masochist and you are a sadist. You two need Jesus, Allah, Krishna or who ever the fuck your God is and you need some therapy. You also need to grow a set of balls and deal with being alone. OR you need to realize that this is the best woman you are ever going to get and treat her like such. If that happens, you need to sleep with one eye open, because if I was a chick that you fucked with like this one, I would take you back. And kill you in your sleep, mother fucker.

Being alone ain't so bad, man. Freedom is a beautiful fucking thing sometimes. You can do shit like jerk off whenever and wherever you please. Drop mad deuce with the door wide fucking open. Watch SportsCenter naked, drinking a beer while eating a cheesy ass quesadilla and listening to Pat Benatar in the background. Wait, what?

Untangle your balls son and move the fuck on. I mean, are you that bored to string a chick along from long distance? If you want control, do that shit with someone that's not on Skype, fool. For fuck's sake, stop wasting your time as well as hers. With six break-ups that should already have told you a few things:

1) You got issues.

2) She got issues.

3) You're an asshole.

4) She's dumb for loving an asshole like yourself.

5) LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT YOUR FUCKING THING.

Read number five 1,689 times.

When you're finished, send this column to your girl and tell her as much as she loves you, she's a goddamn idiot. For reals.

If she still comes back to you, then the only thing I can say is, congrats. You two mother fuckers deserve each other.

Go in peace and fuck thy self brohemus,

J-Wun