Advice Column: Rules Of The Game

J-Wun,

I love you boo! You have done a great job making my day through raw humor and honesty in the world and mind of a ghetto genius. I am having a serious problem just got out of a 6 year relationship that started when I was just a teen. I never wanted to just have random one night stands but damn life gets fuckin lonely when your used to being in a relationship. 6 months single and so many guys trying to get at me for some reason I just deny them....All of them. Noooo i'm not a freak go pay that bitch on the corner to suck your dick. In reality I'm a closet freak but nobody has respectfully tried to get at me. Like atleast give me something to get hot over before you open your mouth and turn me off!   Now I'm frustrated and tempted to just fuck the next motherfucker I see! Watch out old man checking the mail you might get lucky today!! So what can a bitch really expect maybe I should just have no strings attached sex, or casually date these motherfuckers who are blowing my phone up to get a chance to fuck me. Fuck all these labels I just always thought it was wrong to talk to more than one person at a time. Now through my experience it helps to just collect dudes like fucking business cards when your such a BOSS bitch! because by process of elimination the last man standing gets the golden ticket! lol jk Seriously when one lets you down or decides to cancel plans I always have a backup plan, someone to take me shopping or to get me drunk and pay the tab before I lie and say the babysitter just called and I have to rush home ;) So talking to multiple guys at once is starting to be ok with me because I am benefiting and just straight up playing them....but the sex and is still totally sacred and sucking dick even more so. If you want me to suck your dick you better put a ring on my finger motherfucker! I ain't doing all that. I don't wanna give it up to anyone but I miss the kissing and cuddling ect. all that mooshy shit bitches like in life ya know!

What is a bitch to do!?? Not going back to my ex to stir that pot the sex sucks its just familiar and I don't want to be a "hoe" real talk I'm fuckin wifey material but I am not trying to rush into anything. I want real love but I guess I am willing to settle for good sex....does that make sense?? At 24 I still have a lot of fucking to do and nuts to bust! Since I always make my guy bust like I SWEAR...they are lucky to make it to 2 minutes....I don't even get a chance to get mine. Still looking for the right guy to take me on the pound town express to my first "BIG O" This is a serious dilemma. I already have kids don't want more. Already know my pussy is the fucking BOMB ;) but you have to try it to even see if his sex game is even good...I don't know anymore. I just know that it seems like from your tall tales you been around and have a lot of experience with bitches and fucking. I want to be single but I want to fuck...just one person; do I just make the booty call? It sounds so wrong. I guess I shall eventually make my own rules...some guidelines from you would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Confused single mom looking for the "rules of the game"



Dear CSMLFT "ROTG",

Miss, what you wrote made no goddamn sense. AT ALL. You got out of a six year relationship and you're 24. So that means, you were 18 when you started this journey. But in turn, you say, "your pussy is the BOMB"? Hahahahaha. Bitch please. Says who? Your boyfriend who is either A) Two-minute brotha or B) Busts a nut so fast because you're that fucking horrible? Nothing wrong with having confidence. But the fact is, you're fucking delusional. "Pussy is bomb?"...get the fuck outta here. What is this...amateur hour at the Fuck Factory?

I want you to listen and listen really fucking good. What I'm about to school you on is important and whatever you choose to do with this advice, is up to you. It's real. It's honest. And it's either going to get you where you want to go or leave you confused as a motherfucker. I'm thinking probably both so let's do this shit, shall we?

FACT: PRACTICE makes PERFECT.

FACT: Sex is NOT like riding a bike. 

FACT: You have to TEST DRIVE the car before you buy it.

FACT: Your pussy is NOT the BOMB.

Like I've mentioned in a lot of my columns, there are rules in life. Rules that you either follow, live by or make up on your own. For me, I choose to make up my own rules and so far, I haven't done so bad. This is why I want you to listen and do as I say because in the end, you're gonna be that awesome bitch you've always wanted to be.

First off, I commend you on not settling for just any piece of dick. For someone who wants cock but is way too fucking picky, you need to realize what you're doing is good AND bad. Good because you don't have the mentality of a whore who will just fuck anything. Bad because you don't have the mentality of a whore who won't just fuck anything. Now that's been established, let that shit soak in for 22-27 seconds.

The reality of it is Tits-a-rella, you can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't just decide one day that as much as you want dick, you're gonna be a prude, play guys for free drinks, shopping sprees, etc. and expect to get what you want. You do realize that in order to get what you want, 85% of the time, guys are gonna expect a favor in return? This being one of two things, if not both:

1) Blowjob

2) Sex

Neither of which you are giving up too easily. What am I saying? You ain't giving up shit. And that's okay, Virgin Diaries. Just know that if you keep doing that, men will eventually catch on and tell you to go kick rocks. Men have agenda's and if you don't fulfill that agenda by either fucking them good or giving them a blowy while they brush your long beautiful hair on your mom's plastic covered couch, you will forever be alone. Men sense when a woman is on the prowl, however, if your definition of a good time and "playing the field" consist of long philosophical talks about the goddamn moon and conversations about your 10 cats, consider this a complete fucking fail. Hey, it's great that you're the "married type" and that you like to kiss and cuddle. Guess what? Men like that too...but that doesn't happen unless you're fucking them til you're blue in the face and sucking their cock til they see their souls do laps around the room. Real talk.

You signed yourself up for something that is 64% impossible and plain idiotic. You're the first broad I've heard say she wants to fuck so bad that she doesn't want a one night stand, will only suck cock if the guy is"marriage material", and other bullshit I choose not to call-out because I am two seconds away from stabbing myself in the fucking eyes with a rusty butter knife because you are making no goddamn sense and are frustrating the hell out of me.

What you want, Mother Theresa, is not random sex. You want another relationship. So don't sit there, shaking your head and lie to yourself because what you basically said without saying was, "I love dick. But the only way I'm giving it up is if he's my boyfriend, turned husband." Yeah bitch, you just said that so don't pout and call me an asshole for speaking the truth. You're not built to play the game. The only game you're built for is Twister, being a complete dick-tease-prude and the next reality star on Bride-fucking-zilla. I don't care how many numbers you get and how many guys you con into doing whatever the fuck you want without giving up the goods. Congrats on meeting stupid motherfuckers who I could pick out within .6 seconds. That's nothing to write home about, flapjack. Guys that actually fall for that shit, probably haven't been with a woman, let alone something breathing, in decades.

FACT: You want attention. You want company. You will only give up the key to your basement if the guy is a "good guy."

FACT: Dudes who are "just looking to fuck" aren't good guys until they decide they want to be.

You say you want to "just fuck" but in reality, you don't. You want a relationship and I can't help you see any other light other than telling you that I can't help you play the field you don't even want to set foot on. Is any of this shit making sense?

I know you're itching to ride the Pound Town Express but why don't you be fucking real with yourself and admit that the next person riding that train is gonna be the guy you plan to introduce to your goddamn parents. You don't have an ounce of slut, whore or freak in you. And please, don't give me a diatribe of bullshit on how "I don't know you and you really are a freak in the bed and your pussy would make me speechless." You've probably fucked 2 people and honestly, that's something you need to recognize. Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I'm just saying, EXPERIENCE WILL GET YOU WHERE YOU WANT AND NEED TO BE. So you tell me where you stand with all of this, Miss Bomb Ass Punani?

In my 33 years of being on this lovely planet, I've had my fair share of nailing chicks while having a blast doing it. Not once was I ever picky like you. Why? Because I knew if I wanted something bad enough (like pussy), beggers can't be choosers. You my dear, are a fucking chooser. One that will more than likely end up with a guy who fits YOUR standards. Going out to "just fuck" has no standards. Real fucking talk. So go find a boyfriend because if you don't, you will find yourself having many play dates with a bottle of wine, 50 Shades of Grey, and a 20 pound dildo you named "Meat."

Happy Hunting,

J-Wunderful