Advice Column: A Not So Helping Hand

Okay, So I really need some advice...Answers, idk what. Let me just explain. I have been with my husband for 7 years. I remember the first time I saw him whack it while we were having sex. I was very turned off and didn't like it at all but I was like whatever...This is probably normal. Well 7 years later he is still choking the chicken while he's supposed to be fuckin me. It would be going great and all of a sudden he starts on it again and then complains when my pussy dries up like the damn desert. It wouldn't be Such a big deal if he didn't do it for so long. I mean why would a guy want to masturbate when he has a sexy hourglass shaped woman (who loves pleasing her man) right in front of him?? I don't know what the issue is. He was locked up for a little while before we started dating so maybe he picked it up while in the big house? But that was over seven damn years ago. Idk I'm sorry to just be going on and on but I need some help. All I want to know is if It's normal and if so, up to what point is it too much?

Thank you,
Competing with a hand



Dear Competing With A Hand,

I'm glad you wrote in for two reasons:

1) I am the master of Sexcapades.

2) I am the master of yanking thy wang.

Put those two amazing things together and you get, "J-Wunder: Pussy Slayer". But enough about me, this is about you and the problem you're having with your man, his masturbating addiction and your lack of a sex life. Grab some paper, a pen and pay close fucking attention.

Now, I don't know if you know this about men but there is an ancient Chinese secret that's been around since Jesus was pimpin' on bitches during wine and bread breaking parties. Wanna know what that long lost secret that's really not a secret, is? Come closer. Closerrrrr. Closerrrrr...don't be shy. Ok, stop. You ready to find out this 48 Hours Mystery? Check it:

MEN LOVE TO MASTURBATE.

Pretty fucked up secret that's really not a secret, right? Are you fucking retarded woman? Wake the fuck up. Is this normal? Um, do you wipe your ass after you take a shit? OF COURSE IT'S NORMAL. Well, I mean, I yank my wang all the time so I would think it's normal. If J-Wunder does it, then a majority of males do it. We're the 99% if you know what I'm saying.

I sat on your question trying to find an answer. Not a scientific or philosophical one. But an honest one. So what I'm about to say might probably offend you but hey, you wrote in to me, so why the fuck do I care if you're offended. I just tell it how it is. Maybe by the end of this column you'll fucking thank me and get the fuck over yourself.

There are two reasons why he masturbates as much as he has for as long as he has.

1) YOU ARE AWFUL IN BED.

As you sit there cursing at your computer screen calling me an asshole and probably a pencil dick mother fucker, truth be told, just because you like to please your man, doesn't mean you're PLEASING your man. Hey, I like to think my dick is 10 inches long, but is it? Negative. You're horny all the time and want the Dum Dum Dick Pop? Congrats to you. Still doesn't mean that you're a good lay. If a dude would rather jerk off in front of you, next to you, in the other room, on a sandwich, at church, on the dance floor in a club, driving home, playing golf, drinking a beer, sleeping, taking a shit or while taking out the trash then FUCK YOU SILLY...there's a problem. And you're it. Sad, I know.

RULE #29 ON TALKING ABOUT SEX: Never admit a fault you have to a guy named J-Wunder.

Your pussy dries up like a desert? If you've been with your husband for 7 years and he's masturbated more times then you two have boned, this is probably one of the reasons. Not sure if you heard of this amazing thing called "lube" but you should try it sometime. It helps sandpaper pussy victims like yourself, feel like a pool of jello...not the pudding kind either because that would be like fucking a chick with a yeast infection. But I wouldn't know anything about that so don't fucking raise your eyebrows and think I have, fuckers. You can get this shit practically anywhere. Just make sure if you actually buy this shit and use it, don't use massive amounts. You do that, you and your husband will be sure to have a goddamn slip 'n slide party and I guarantee some mother fucker might fly from the bed out through the mother fucking window. True story.

Even though dudes jerk off, we still love the female bunker. However, for your husband, your pussy is getting overpowered by the Handerson Twins. Trust me, he uses both hands. If not all the time, some of the time. Men like to mix that shit up. Can't be having forearms all uneven and shit. Which brings me to my next and final point...


2) YOU ARE AWFUL IN BED AND HE'S ADDICTED TO MASTURBATING.

You know what's worse than being a bad lay? Knowing that your husband has had better sex fucking his hand. Real talk.

I'll admit, I will yank my pole 2-3 times a day. How-the-fuck-ever, I will bang a chick 3-4 times a day in the process. This is me getting the best of both worlds. Why? 1) I love to bone. Plain.And.Simple. 2) I'm a dude that loves to jerk off. I don't know what the fuck it is but I can't stop myself. Since I can't have a piece of pussy with me 24/7 while it's constantly on my mind, a brother has to do what he needs to do to relieve himself. That's where Handa Montana comes in. I get mine all by my lonesome then 4 hours later, lady friend gets hers AND I get mine again. Double fucking whammy.

Your situation isn't like mine. Hell no it ain't. It's actually worse. Way worse. Like, you're better off leaving him or just playing with your hoo-ha when he whacks off, worse. There is no denying the fact your man is addicted to jerking off. A LOT. If a guy is fucking a chick and suddenly decides to whip his shit out of your sand trap and jerk off for the next 10 minutes in front of you, there's a problem. One of those problems being YOU and the second, well, you know the second problem the minute he whips his dick out and starts fucking his hand like it's the second coming of Jenna Jameson. Not many guys I know would ever do that, but the guys I do know, are just like your husband. "But what if that's not it J-Wunder and he's gay?" Well my dear, not only are you a bad lay and he's addicted to masturbating but he likes dicks too. That has got to be the worst fucking way to go out in a marriage. "Hey guys, Joey and I are getting a divorce. It seems that he not only dislikes the way I fuck him with my sandpaper vagina but, he would rather masturbate at all hours of the day while get ass rammed by another man with a lubed up wang." Sweet Tits, that's not the conversation you need to have, let alone, need to think about. BUT, it wouldn't surprise me because nothing surprises me these days.

There's really no solution I have for you other than to go see a sex therapist or get your shit together. No man should or would ever turn down pussy unless he's gay or paralyzed. I don't care how addicted he is to fucking his hand, if the pussy is there, that should be his addiction. Find something to mix things up and get your pussy like that jello I was talking about. Why? Put it this way, if he can masturbate with the same two hands for years and get off by doing so, then why can't you give him something that won't bore him, or become uninterested in? You have a set of tits, sexy hourglass shaped body and a goddamn vagina. If you can't take his attention away from his hands at least twice a day and keep it there, please go run into oncoming traffic and hope the man of your pussy willow dreams hits you with his car.

Keep Your Eyes On The Prize,

J-Wunder