Advice Column: Mirror, Mirror

Alright so if a guy takes mirror pictures does that automatically make him a douche?


Dear Mirror Mirror on the Bathroom wall,

Such a short and succinct question that I hardly know where to begin because we normally get these long winded, rambling diatribes that may or may not even be in fucking English. Kudos to you for getting right to mother fucking point. As I am a firm believer in Quid Pro Quo, I am now going to do the same.

There are many reasons why guys take photos in the mirror. For the record, I am not a dude, no matter how good your mom/sister/girlfriend/baby cousin's friend, Tracy, said I fucked her. I am only going to give you what I assume to be the reasons for this behavior. The first person to say, "You know what happens when you assume…" is going to get a karate chop to the back of the goddamn neck. And then I am going fuck your girlfriend because I know only a dude would say some dumb shit like that to me.

Before we get into the whole "we need to analyze," first we need to figure out why the mirror picture is being taken to begin with. Is it for personal or public use? If the dude is taking the mirror pic and posts that shit on Facebook, Tumblr, Ilovedickinmymouth.com or whatever other site on the internet I have missed because I don't give a fuck and am just trying to make a point, then he is clearly a douche. Like Lord of the Douche, douche.

When you see something like this, it is kind of like when you played "the game" growing up. I hope I don't need to explain "the game" to anyone, because we all had different versions of that mess and we all played it, so run with whatever version you played in your corner of the world. What I am getting at is when someone got "caught" there was some kind of public humiliation or physical abuse involved. If you know the douche personally who is posting the mirror photos on the internet, please feel free to do the following.

1) Make fun of his bitch ass, publicly. Repost that shit, with the word DOUCHE all over it, on every internet site you subscribe to. Fuck, join other websites just so you can post it more and there can be more ridicule delivered. Cock nuggetry like this can not be overlooked. If you have the balls to post a pic like that, then you better have the balls to take whatever comes your way, and well deserved.

2) The next time you see this person, you have my permission to open-hand slap them like the bitch they are. If you are such a pathetic person that you need to post self-portraits of you looking all "swole," then you deserve to get treated like a bitch, douche.

3) Whatever the person's sexual orientation, sign them up for free dating websites that are the opposite of what they normally like. Nothing will make them re-think their foray into soft-core Facebook porn faster than someone sending them an email of genitalia that they are not interested in. Trust.

On the flip side, if this is someone that is taking mirror photos for personal use, not posting them on the internet and just sending them to 1 or 100 select bitches, then good for them. I am a huge proponent of dirty photos. In fact, I am a huge proponent of dirty anything, so if sending and receiving photos is your bag, baby, then do work. In fact, message me and I will give you my number and we can start pic trading today - and I am equal opportunity. I like a nice set of titties as much as I like a dick pic.

However, Old Mother H-Bomb must come out for a moment and caution all of you boys and girls about sending pictures across the phone lines and internets. If you are not careful, they can fall into the wrong hands. Take it from me, as I have a collection of body parts and texts/emails, that if I am ever so inclined to fly my cunt-flag, I can topple many a happy sandcastle. Same thing goes if you are in any kind of position with your career or life where a sext scandal could harm you. Remember, if they can't see your face, they cannot positively identify you: from the NECK DOWN, mother fuckers, the neck down. Are we all reading from the same sextbook now? Good.

There are some other reasons that dudes take mirror photos. Like maybe they are in their teens and have watched a lot of Jersey Shore and 16 and Pregnant and think it is ok to take those photos and post them on the interweb. It's not, so quit that fucking shit. And goddammit, MTV, play some fucking videos every now and then. Kids were less fucked up when they were listening to Enter Sandman than when they are watching the crime against humanity that is MTV Television. If you see a mini Justin Bieber taking mirror pics, feel free to punch them in their baby maker, so hopefully they don't procreate or at least quit this shit before it is too late.

If a dude is taking a mirror pic because they don't have an iPhone 4 or higher, with the the handy dandy little button that lets you flip the camera around so you can create your on sexy time glamour shots, sans mirror, then by all means, use the mirror at the GAP. Even though the lighting in there is super fucked up. Just remember, those photos are for PRIVATE use, not public.

The moral of the story is this: most men who take mirror photos are narcissistic douches. But, before you discount them, look at what they are working with. Sure, they may be the definition of a douche, but if they are packing, who are you to turn down a sizzling piece of man meat? Slap it up, flip it, rub it down and then see above, steps 1-3. A good body and a fucking doesn't excuse them from the douche punishment, it just gives them a stay of execution, or in this case, exe-douching.

Go in peace and love, and dirty photos.

H-Bomb