Advice Column: DMA Disorder - Dong, Money, Attention Disorder

I need your advice really bad. I met my bf online & we hit it off great. Our first time fucking was fucking awesome. Now I feel like he really doesn't like sex at all. Over the phone (before) he was like yeah I'm a freak, I'll do you morning, noon & night but not really. He's got a big dick and he thinks that's all he has to do. He never goes down on me, doesn't kiss, touch, tease, plays with any body part whatsoever. I BEG FOR SEX!!! When I was single I was the bomb. No love for anyone just nasty, freaky sex. The kind where just from kissing we were panting like thirsty dogs in the middle of a NYC heat wave!! I've had a lot of partners who have said my pussy is the bomb. They always came back for more. Now that I decided to love somebody I can't have good sex?? I've tried everything and I mean everything. It's degrading to have your own boyfriend physically push you away. I have to play with myself like 5 times a day just to ease my horniness a little bit. I don't want to dump him he's a great provider & is kind & blah blah blah all that mushy shit but I feel like I may have to go cheat to get my fucking brains banged out. Please help!!!



Dear Whore Muffin,

I don’t quite know why, but for some inexplicable reason, I’m motherfucking popular, and I have a shitload of friends. And every single one of those friends at one time or another has been in love. But because love can be a fickle bitch, shit doesn’t always work out. However, I can tell you one thing for goddamn certain...

Not one person I know that has ever been in love, like FORREAL forreal love, has ever described their partner the way you did in your email. It’s obvious you’re about to shank this mother fucker in his well-endowed man part for not working your pussy right, but it seems to me that you can’t leave him because he’s great at opening up his wallet to pay for your shit and, oh, total afterthought on your part, he’s kind. And I don’t know what “blah blah blah” means, but in second grade, I learned something called “using context clues,” so I’m just going to go ahead and assume that for the most part, when he’s not pushing your unappreciative gold-digging ass away in the bedroom, this motherfucker treats you pretty decently. Maybe I’m wrong, but nowhere in there did I read that he was selling you on the street corner or calling you dirty names or pushing you face in for being, well, yourself.

You know what I’ve learned? Women who really are low-maintenance never feel the need to repeat (fucking CONSTANTLY, I might add) that they are low-maintenance over and over again. The same goes for the baddest bitches in bed. They are quietly confident in their skill to make a man’s eyes roll back as they suck, fuck, tease, lick, and kiss. No loud advertisements needed.

You are not a McDonald’s billboard. We do not need to know that billions and billions have been served. Ok, yes, maybe some men in this world have told you that your love canal is made of gold. Who are these men? How long had they been out of prison? I am told that anything feels better than a latex glove with a generous squirt of lotion inside. Read this next sentence very carefully…twice. NO MAN WILL EVER TURN DOWN A BOMB PUSSY, especially if that pussy belongs to the woman he loves. Let that marinate overnight.

So really, I think this can be broken down into some simple truths.

-Your pussy is in fact, not the bomb.

-You are an insincere gold digger.

-You need an attitude adjustment.

You say you’ve tried everything….but perhaps a nice thing to do might be to quit your bitching and act like someone who deserves a good fucking. Right now, I would say that you, in fact, do not deserve a good fucking because rather than leaving the relationship like a dissatisfied honest person would, you are thinking about cheating. You’d like to take a ride on someone’s Dick Express to satisfy your whims, but still want the security and cash from your current “love.”

No, ma’am, that is not how sanity works. No, no, no, no, no. Also, no.

I’m all about keeping it real. That’s something you need to work on. Keep it real with the people you claim to love. They deserve that much. And don’t think I forgot about you. You obviously think you deserve someone who is rich and attentive and well-endowed and all about you, you, you. I think you’re going to have a lot of competition from girls who aren’t so heartless and whiny, but I hope you get what you deserve. I mean…I hope you get what you want.

Bitches Be Trippin',

Flo-Rich