Relationships: It's Either Ride or Die

"This happened the other night at a bar.  thought you might enjoy:

So...

Me and my girlfriend go to the bar tonight. I leave for a piss, and in under 30 seconds Dago Jersey douche-bag is hitting on her. He buys her a drink before I return, but I come back, and she introduces me.  He tells me he is from New Jersey (surprise, surprise) and that he is here in Clearwater on vacation. It is clear that we are together, and we close OUR tab and she and I leave together. As we are leaving, he shakes my hand and shakes hers. The only difference being that he slips her his phone number.  My girl, being raised right, gives me his phone number with a giggle and a smile. I, however, view things differently. Below is a transcription of the text thread between me and Pauly D wannabe:

Me: I am gonna suck your big fuckin dick til your eyes roll back in the sockets! Not really. This is her boyfriend. So enjoy the rest of your vacation, then fuck off back to your Jersey shit hole.

Dickhead: It is ok i think she still way too hot for u :)

Me: She is! And my turds are too hot for you. Maybe if your dick was half the size of mine she wouldnt be sitting here with me laughing about you and this thread.  Go home, inflate your regular girlfriend and stick your dick into blow-up Judy, then cry yourself to sleep like usual.

Dickhead: That y she accepted my drink. Tell her to call me in the morning. :)

Me: You got played, weak stick. You buy, we fly... Go find yerself a fat cunt like snooki. More your speed. where do you think I got your number from, you fuckin mouth-breather?

Dickhead: Your very insecure for a guy with a big penis because your here texting me in your car.. She's still too hot for you.. :) tell her not to text me before 9:00

Me: Im not in my car, we are laughing about you at another bar together. TOGETHER!  She is flattered. I am mildly amused. If you had some actual game I'd be insecure. Dont get into a battle of wits when you are unarmed, shit-wit."


Normally, I wouldn't give this Texts From Last Night bullshit the time of day, but I am  giving this couple a shout out because 1) It’s goddamn fucking hilarious and 2) This is what a relationship is all about – trust. 3) We are all voyeurs and we love seeing stuff play out like a goddamn tele- novella. Train wreck and all. Look away. I dare you.

You know, in this very scenario, 31.8394% of men would have gotten pissed the fuck off and probably would have committed 2 fatal crimes:

1) Argued with their girl while calling them a whore and over-fucking-reacting over nothing. Like a total fucking little bitch.

2) Fought the douchebag for hitting on their girl. Maybe winning, more than likely getting their ass kicked and looking like a little bitch.

Back when I was 16 and insecure like a little bitch, I would have probably done both. True story. And gotten my ass kicked in the process and fucked exactly zero bitches that night. Luckily as I grew up I developed two things: enough game to know what I am bringing to the table and enough sense to know better than to act a fool, up in here, up in here.

Now, this right here is a perfect example of how you know your girl is down for you, and just a down ass chick in general. In the time the boyfriend went to the bathroom to take a piss, a lot of shit could have went down. His girl could have been shady as fuck and gave douchelord her number, while whispering sweet nothings in his ear. They could have made out. Slap dick could have tickled her taint. Girlfriend could have gave him an outside-the-pants rub-and-tug. I mean, let’s be honest people…shit like that happens more than we think, because some girls are just mark ass bitches and hoes. I was that douche fuck back in the day, blatantly hitting on that girl that was taken, because I on a scale of 1 to your mom, I had zero fucks to give.I would have been all Rico Suave, bought them a drink and was fucking them 2 days later. Just goes to show women can be just as fucked up as men. Truth be told, shadiness like this is a common fucking occurrence.

I don’t care if you’re the friendliest mother fucker on the goddamn planet…no one just gives out their number without a some kind of fucked up ulterior motive. Emphasis on the 'fuck'. Especially if your ass is taken. If I just met you and it’s apparent I’m taken, but you give me your digits, guess what? I’m still gonna holler at you, because I have an agenda that I might need to fill when boyfriend/girlfriend time is over. It's called "find the Guamaconda." I will draw you a map, with my dick. All you mother fuckers shaking your head right now can go kick rocks because that’s the truth. Society is shady. Some play the game well, while others get caught within minutes, if not seconds. But, keep in mind, Playas gonna Play.

Relationships are based on trust and communication. My fan who wrote in has that very fucking thing with his girl and for that, I give y’all some mad fucking love. Now, let’s say douche sack was a good looking cat. Would it have been different? Eh, maybe. But that’s neither here nor there. The fact is, shady is shady and these mother fuckers and the shady check cashing store were open for business. Some of you "in love" mother fuckers should take a page from this. You gotta ride or die bitch you can trust? Ride. You gotta ride or die bitch that is shady as fuck? Bitch better be careful, or they are gonna die.