Advice Column: Three's A Crowd

Dear J,

I've been hooked on your blog for a couple of months now and I can't help but notice how on point your advice is. No matter how crazy you make it sound, it's still real talk.

Anyhow, I have a question for you. I have been married for 13 years and we still have a great sex life. I'm talking every way he can come up with and as much as he wants. I have always said I will try anything once and I aim to please my husband whichever way is needed. However, he is asking for a threesome with another chic...again. Don't get me wrong, I have given him one before because like I said before, I'll try anything once. But I wasn't feeling the last time. I just didn't like seeing him with another woman and I'm not into women like that. Yet, he's asking again and I don't want to disappoint him with 'NO' for an answer. What do you suggest I do?

Sincerely,
Three's A Crowd


Dear Three's A Crowd,

It's crazy the shit we do for love right? Whether it be taking a bullet in the line of fire or in the ass during sexy time with your soul mate, it seems like nowadays, guys and gals make the ultimate sacrifice to keep our loved ones really fucking happy. And you my dear, seem to make your man really fucking happy. Kudos to you for being such a soldier during your 13 year marriage so shit doesn't go downhill. How-mother-fucking-ever (you saw this coming), sacrifice does not mean giving up your dignity as a goddamn human being. Now, I know you said you'll try anything once because you're an open minded person. For that, no one should knock you. But realize, by doing what you're doing, you have opened the door to many fucking avenues of imagination.

FACT: Guys are some horny mother fuckers.

FACT: Guys will also push the fucking envelope.

And in your case, the envelope is being pushed...AGAIN.

I'm not here to analyze your marriage or the other bullshit you have with your man. All I'm here to do is tell you what you should do in the situation you have presented to your boy, J-Wunder. That is, how to get the fuck out of this threesome your husband has requested...AGAIN. I have the solution if you're willing to accept it. If not, then you have just wasted my time typing this shit when I could be fucking working or watching some porn on my phone. So let's do this shit beotch!

You dug yourself a hole, sweet tits. Basically, that's fact. Don't get me wrong, "trying anything once" is fucking great. It's quite fucking amazing actually. But when you don't say shit if you weren't feeling the "try anything once" bullshit, then you just fucked yourself over and over and over again. I bet when you had your first threesome, you acted like you liked it. Like you were turned the fuck on and would do it again. Why? Because you saw your man was happy. I mean, why wouldn't he be? He's fucking two bitches. He's experiencing the two-headed cock sucking monster. BOOM! That's the business. That's the fantasy, turned reality. However, you watching your man play dick twister with you and Slutbag Magee rubbed you the wrong way...in an uncomfortable sort of way, as you mentioned. I don't blame you though. Threesomes aren't for everyone...especially some married couples. Realize being married and having a threesome is different than being single and having a threesome. One situation involves too much fucking emotion while the other involves nothing more than straight fucking. Lots of ground and pound on that ass, if you know what I mean. Oh, and before you threesome sexperts try to preach some bullshit, how bout you go fuck yourselves and preach that shit somewhere where people might give a fuck about your opinion. But I digress...

You saying NO has already made you assume he's going to be disappointed. Guess what? The mother fucker probably will be. But last I checked, women shouldn't play an inferior role to no man. If you do, I feel sorry for your ass and you need to go seek therapy. I give advice to strong minded women, not weak ones. You love the guy, I fucking get it. But shit...if you ain't trying to see your man stick his dick in any other mouth or vagina other than yours, then you need to tell that mother fucker. Don't be scared that you'll disappoint him. So what? What's he gonna say? "Honey, I'm pretty disappointed that you've given me everything from blow jobs in the park to my fist in your asshole...but now you're not letting me have my second threesome? You're a bitch. I want a divorce. Cunt." I mean, what? If that's the case and you really want to not disappoint, then make him a deal. A deal where he gets what he wants and you get what you want. Fair is fucking fair, right?

Give him his threesome but in return, you get to fuck him in the ass with a strap-on. I ain't gay, but if you want him to never ask you some shit that will make you feel uncomfortable ever again, try that. I promise you, that mother fucker will never ask anything out of the norm ever again. BUT if he likes it, then you're fucked and you need to find a dude who doesn't like it in the ass. I'm just saying. That shit ain't right. If you are willing to try anything once, your mother fucking husband should be able to "try anything once". It's a two-way street, my sweet little cinnamon ring. He loves you as much as you love him, right? Think about it. And oh...if you ever want a threesome, I'm available to bang you dry. Real talk.

I put the O in threesome (that was probably the worst way to end this column...fuck it.),

J-Wun