Advice Column: The Ol' Alley-Poop

Dear J-Wunder and Crew,

I need your help! And I know you can give it to me straight! Back story...I have a great friend with benefits thing going on. I travel for business, so it's only every few months we get together. And I blow his mind every time. I even let him get in my ass...which is where the problem happened. Last night when he pulled out, a little extra slipped out too. Nothing like that awesome post you had, but enough. He didn't really say anything about it, should I? Or do we pretend it didn't happen?



Dear Shit Brick,

I am sorry you have found yourself in such a shitty situation. Pun Intended. Be prepared for more of those too, because, well, this shit is funny. Normally, talking about dookie gives me a case of the barfs, but when you are talking about a sex-dookie, that kind of shit is straight comedy.

My heart truly goes out to you because I am sure you are so embarrassed that you smudged this guy's wang. And since you are embarrassed, you probably want to make amends for forgetting your Depends. Unfortunately, sweet tits, Hallmark doesn’t make a card for, "Oops, I shit my pants...on your dick," so there is not much you can do to make up for Hershey squirting his dong. Well, you could have sucked his dick right after, but we all know that unless you are a porn star, you never go ass to mouth. EVER.

Speaking of porn stars, the reason you are feeling embarrassed is largely due to the porn industry. I whole heartedly blame them. Why, you ask? Well let me tell you the fuck why: when people fuck in the butt, as we all want to do quite often (ok, only some of us), it is very rarely like what we see in a porno. There is no director telling us where to put our legs, how to throw our head back and give the "fuck me in my doo-doo hole" face, no person fluffing the dick before we get it, so we can just focus on the fucking. We are left to write our own scripts and direct our own version of Butt-Booty-Fiesta 72.

Just think - if there is no one directing your fuckterpiece, then how would you have known ahead of time that someone was going to run a train on your brown eye? You didn’t. You were getting sexed up proper and got all caught up in the moment, with condoms, lube, and hair flying everywhere and I bet you just went for it. In da butt. The balloon knot. The brown eye. The...wait, what? I am sure that while it was happening you weren't even thinking about the shaftermath of what was going to be on dude's dick.

You know why anal sex looks good on camera? Because those bitches know well in advance what is going to be inserted into their butts. They have the opportunity to get enemas, a colonic, a flush or whatever they fuck they need to do to make sure there is no surprise doo-doo brown on camera. It's kind of like when we get our vag waxed, shave our legs or put on a clean pair of pajamas in anticipation of sexy time. We prepare for what we think is going to go down. Not up our ass. Next time, you just need to plan a little better. And maybe take a good shit before hand to clear up the runway.

Now, the most important question: Do you bring up that you pooped on this dude's dick? Sure, if you never want to fuck this guy again. Seriously. I don't care how cool someone is, if they didn't talk about you shitting on their dick, then why the fuck do you want to revisit the crap-tastic experience? I get that you have a little thing for pain. People who like anal have to like a little pain, because no matter how much lube you use or how slow you go, putting something in a hole that is normally an "exit only" is not going to feel fantastic right away. But, that is physical pain and physical pain does not compare to emotional pain, which bringing this up will most definitely cause.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that if the guy didn’t mention it, it's because of two things:

1 - He didn’t notice it. Which I highly doubt, but I will throw that out there to make you feel a little better. If he didn’t notice it then why the fuck do you want to bring it to light? You don’t, so get the fuck over it and over yourself and continue to let him ride the Pound Town Express right into to your poop shoot. Choo choo mother fucker.

2 - He did notice it, but you just let him stick his dick into your ass, so he is going to give you a pass. Instead of tit for tat he is going shit for shaft. Go with it. Prior to the down-town brown, you probably sexed him pretty good, so why the fuck is he going to mess that up over a little brown goo. It’s not like you shit on his mom, on Mother’s day, in church. Wait, what?

Have I not mentioned before that men are pretty simple creatures? For the record, they are. Pretty much all they want is food, sex and silence. Well, you gave him the sex, so throw him a snack and shut the fuck up about it already. Just don’t give him a Hershey Bar. That would be rude.

I hope you heed this advice and don't get all tight-assed over your shit ass. It's only going to ruin an other wise booty-full relationship. Just keep fucking, ya dig?

H-Bomb