Haaaay! So I have some married people problems that I thought you (in all your infinite wisdom) might have an answer for. Here's the deal: my husband and I have been together for 8 years, since I was 23, been married for 5. We have 2 kids together. I was thick when we met, say about a size 12. I got a little bigger with each kid and ended up being about a size 16. I was pretty damn fat since I'm only 5'3 and was about a buck eighty. Around October of last year I got tired of being chubby and decided to get off my ass and fix it. I started eating right, hitting the gym, and got my shit together. Today, I'm a size 6 and about 130. Not to sound conceited, but I look damn good. Here's the problem....my husband wants nothing to do with me now. He's not a chubby chaser, everyone he was with before me was small. He used to be all over me like curry stink on Indians when I was bigger. I used to turn him down a lot for sex, just cuz I felt shitty about myself, and I don't know if he gave up or what. To make matters worse, I am now getting a lot of attention from other guys. I love my husband and don't want to cheat, but I've done all this to be more attractive for him and he's basically ignoring it. So where the Hell did I go wrong? Do I go back to cramming Ho-Ho's down my gullet to save my marriage?
Help!
Dear Help,
You had me at "all over you like curry stink on Indian." Allegedly hot and funny? If your husband won't hit it, call H-Bomb and I will lick you like an Indian at a curry buffet. Real Talk.
Seriously though, damn girl! First, I have to give you the super dope mad props, because you did something that so many of us struggle to do daily. Do work, girl! Before anyone thinks I am going to get all Oprah and shit and we are going to hug, cry and sync menstrual cycles, simmer the fuck down, I am still going to break it down, but I had first had to give homegirl her hi-fives. Also, Help, if you are looking so fly now, where the fuck are the pics??? Selfish bitch. Ok, I keed, I keed. But... if you are inclined to send some sexy photos and your face doesn't look like it went through a meat grinder, send them. We will judge you and tell you how hot you look.
Now, on to this man of yours. I must type these columns into a tin can, attached to a string, and the only person getting what I have to say is a 6 year old, in a tree fort, in Nebraska. I have said it numerous times, but I will say it again, MEN ARE SIMPLE CREATURES. No, I am not calling men stupid, not by any stretch. I have openly admitted that there are men in this world that may be smarter than me - not to their face mind you, that is just buffoonery - so don't get it twisted. I know that there are brilliant women in the world AND there are also brilliant men. But, when we are talking about the basic functions of the male brain, men don't over think most things as much as women.
When I say men are simple I am referring to their basic sense of aesthetics. Most men don't give a shit what the present is wrapped in, they just want to play with what is inside box, pretty wrapping be damned. You following the bouncing ball? I am sure you look fan-fucking-tastic, but to your husband you are the same girl he fell in love with 8 years ago and regardless of your size, he is probably always going to love you for what is on the inside. Oh, and for once, I am not talking about your vagina. Color me surprised, this shit got all emo quickly on me, too.
The other thing you need to take into account is that your husband may be jealous of you. I know that sounds super fucking emo, but it is a very real possibility. Not jealous of you in that you lost all the weight, but jealous of the attention that you are getting because you lost the weight. Before, he was probably one of the only people who told you, you were beautiful (or one of the only people you listened to when they said it), so he got used to you needing his praise and compliments to feel validated. Now, all of a sudden, you are getting from every angle (figuratively, not literally, hence why you are here) and he sees it, but you are not getting it from the one person who's attention you crave the most. He is probably feeling all kinds of insecure, because he thinks you don't need his attention anymore, when his is the only attention you truly want. I know I said men are simple, but they are also sensitive.
Remember how you said you used to reject him when you were bigger? He probably didn't know that the reason you were rejecting him was because of YOU, not because of him. So, for all those times you rejected him, his simple little brain didn't factor that you were not rejecting him because you were not attracted to him, but because you felt like, "why should he be attracted to me." Men often can't' grasp the fact that not every thing is about them. Now here you are, all skinny and ready to fuck him like the porn star that you feel like, and he wants nothing to do with you. Ever heard of cruel irony? Look that shit up, m'dear, because you are living it.
Fuck, I said I wasn't going to go all emo and look what the fuck I just did. But, you brought up some real shit, so I had to get really real with you. At the end of the day what you need to do is mentally masturbate the fuck out your husband. Remember all those times that you thought you looked like a bag of smashed assholes and he told you you were pretty? It's payback time, sweet cheeks. You need to crawl into that cavernous, black hole that is your husband's brain, past the NFL preseason shit, the Maxim top 100 list and the time he scored 4 touchdowns for Polk High in the district championships. You have to get inside his brain, find his little sensitivity button and push it. You have to tell him that he is beautiful, smart and sexy and that you are incredibly attracted to him. You have to reassure him that even though you lost all the weight and while you are 36-24-36 and 5'3", that you are not leaving his ass for Sir Mix-A-Lot. I know, that sounds super emo and you are probably trying to stick your finger down your throat to barf up all the grossness I am spewing, but trust me. I am a smart bitch. Smarter than most men, just ask J-Wunder.
So let's recap - your man is butt-hurt because you rejected him for so long and now that you want him, he doesn't think you want him. After you read this, make a date with him. No kids, no distractions, no bullshit. Tell him how much you love him and how much you appreciate his unconditional support through this life changing process you have gone through. Remember, he loves YOU just the way you are, so don't go back to being the big girl because you think that is the only way he will love you. Put the Twinkie down. Remind HIM that no matter how big or small you are, your love is immeasurable and will never change. Slather him with that Hallmark shit and I guarantee you are going to pound-town tonight. First class, all the way baby.
Oh, and when you want to send me a thank-you gift for this fucking gem of advice, I like scotch and big breasted women. Email the GG for details on how to send me such trinkets of gratitude.
And you are most very fucking welcome,
H-Bomb
13 comments:
"I love my husband and don't want to cheat, but I've done all this to be more attractive for him and he's basically ignoring it. So where the Hell did I go wrong?"
The bitch went wrong by doing this for her man in the first place instead of HERSELF.
Damn genius advice, first time I read a story all the way!! Couldnt stop reading. You tha H bomb
Awesome Advice I Think You Deserve Two Bottles Of Scotch & Two Big Breasted Women For That !
Absolutely agree with the first comment. Not to mention the contradiction of her saying she was tired if being chubby, so she got off of her ass to fix it. So my question is, who did she do it for? She needs to figure out that before she can figure out why he won't touch her.
...or he felt that you were cheating since you rejected him and started dropping weight all of a sudden, and maybe whoever he "assumed" you were cheating with finally dumped you so he is rebound dick. You wouldn't Fuck him if you thought this too. That's why communication is crucial.
It really doesn't matter who the hell she did it for. Herself or her husband, she did it! She probably did it so she can grow old and be around for her kids and grandkids. I think y'all missed the fucking point!
Me losing weight was the final straw that broke my marriage.. we were having other problems, but he got real insecure about it.. but I knew for me I had to continue losing weight and he was either with me.. or against me. I'm down 200lbs now and 25lbs to goal!
Al bundy reference! Hell yea!
Perhaps he's not turned on by a size 6. Maybe he prefers a bigger ass to grab, and boobs that flop around while he's pounding you with your cankles in the air. Some guys are like that.
Amothafuckenmen!!
How is that a contradiction? And technically losing weight so her husband would fuck her would in my book be doing it for herself...
Nice try. She lost weight so her husband would give her a ride. Still doing it for herself, ipso facto...
Could you guys add an archive or an easier was to browse older posts? I just started reading the blog a few days ago and have recommended it to a number of friends. Unfortunately, with a browser crash I lost where I was and am not looking fwd to scrolling through the 2 hours of posts I've already viewed to get to the new material. You guys are hilarious! Keep it coming and keep it real!
*Excuse me if there is already a way to view archived posts. I have looked and haven't seen it. With the simple layout I'm assuming it's not there.
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