Advice Column: Food Coma

Dear J Wunder,

Here's the deal man. I'm fat, like fucking fat. Like 260 and about 5'4" and ugly, like fucking ugly. My wife is a honey: 125, 5'3, ass that don't quit. I work six days a week, 10-14 hours a day at a job I hate because the pay is good and so she can be a stay at home mom (2 fucking awesome kids by the way.). Now she goes out every weekend, and I mean every; to go hang out with her stupid, fucking, alcoholic slut friends that I hate and when I ask her not to go, she gets pissy and her friends dog me how I'm a bad guy and an asshole. Now she has no job and never worries about money and when she goes out. She looks like a fucking dime and she's flirty and shit. Meanwhile, I'm sitting at home like a bitch wondering if my wife is getting fucking plowed by some big dick motherfucker because she be all friendly and shit. Now we've been together 8 years and I got trust issues bad (bad childhood). I don't trust anyone but me; So J Wun, how do I get my balls and some fucking confidence back so I can stop acting like a fat bitch on Oprah?

Sincerely,

Whiny Fat Fuck



Dear Whiny Fat Fuck,

I'm going to be frank with you Chubby Bunny. You mind if I call you that? If not, I don't give a shit. For the sake of this column, I will refer to you as "Chubby fucking Bunny". Ok, now that's out of the way, we can get started.

You sir, are in a BIG fucking dilemma. What dilemma you ask? A few motherfucker...check it:

1) You're the money maker. The provider. The "man of the house". The kicker - she's spending your hard earned dough...on booze, shots and a damn good time. Every weekend, mind you. Without you. And making you sit at home like a mark-ass bitch. Did your parents raise you to be a mark-ass bitch? Just something to think about, Grimace.

2) You are fucking fat. You are as wide as you are fat. Like a fucking Oompa Loompa. Do bitches think Oompa Loompas are sexy? If you don't know, ask yourself when was the last time you saw an Oompa Loompa getting laid? Survey says...NEVER. Not even by Helen Keller if she was still alive.

3) Got a hot ass wife. And you are still a fat ass. BTW - is your wife so skinny because you eat all of her food?

4) Got a hot ass wife who sounds like a complete fucking cunt. Fire in the hole. BOOM!

5) Hot wife's friends hate your ass.

6) You're jealous, like every man in this world who is completely insecure about themselves. And you should be insecure. You have a fucking dick awning, for fuck's sake. Get your shit together, broseph.

7) Hot Tits Magee wifey is a HUGE flirt. So much that you convince yourself she's taking train rides on the Pound-Town Express. I wouldn't be surprised if you cry every weekend eating a 20 pack of tacos. Real talk.

8) You are fucking fat.

9) Like really fat.

10) Dude, how the fuck did you get so fucking fat, bro?

You'll notice there are 10 fucking things I just listed, and 4 of them, I need you to pay very close attention to. If you're wondering which four, Lunch Box, it's the ones that describe you as being a complete fucking fat ass. Don't get angry now because there is actually a point to all of this somewhere in this goddamn column. I want you to smell what I am cooking up for you. Hint: it's not a plate of chicken and waffles. Stop drooling. Remember, I don't say shit just to say shit...I say shit to drive my point so you see the goddamn light.

Now, I could go back and dissect how you two met with all your history and blah, blah, blah bullshit. But since I give my advice for free and my fans aren't trying to read a motherfucking manuscript of complete Camel Cum, I'll save that part for another day and time. What I need to do is get down to the nitty fucking gritty and give you the lowdown of all lowdowns. So pay attention and take my shit for what it's worth which might be nothing short of 50 cents, a half bottle of Olde English and a used condom. Wait, what? Anyway...

46.9503739% of relationships get comfortable to the point where shit gets lost and things turn in the worst possible way. Call me crazy and delusional, but the fact of the matter is, once comfort and routine fully set in, you are completely fucked my friend. What you're going through right now is the perfect example of two people who got lazy. And one who got fat (hint #2: it's YOU).

You work at a job you hate, but the pay is good. You bring in all the dough to help support your wife and kids. Everyone is happy...except you, Butter Ball. Why? Because you are too focused on other things than the people who live under your fucking roof, brohemus. I don't know what you looked like before you met your wife but something tells me you let yourself go in the past few years, homeboy. I mean, 5'4", 260 pounds?! Dude, what the fuck man?! For fucks sake, put down the burger and eat some motherfucking kale, son. You ever heard of milk, motherfucker? That shit does a body good.

It seems you got too focused on amassing things. Money, Food, Food, More Food... Goddamnit son, did you singlehandedly keep Costco in business? While you were spending all this time making money you forgot to pay attention to the people you were making the money for. And guess what? Sweet Tits wifey got sick of waiting for you to look at her like she was a cheeseburger and devour her.

So what the fuck did she do? She went out. O-U-T. Got her outfit tight, her herr did and whatever the fuck she needed to go on the weekly hoe-stroll. And you got stuck footing the bill. Now, you have to undo what you created and turn your hoe back into a housewife...who still loves to ride your pigs foot. P.S. - Until you start shedding some pounds man, I'm calling your wang a pigs foot. Got it?

You need to lay down the motherfucking law. You need to put yourself on a food diet and her on a hoe diet. No more cheeseburgers for you and no more last calls for her. And you need to pay an actual marriage counselor, or you are going to be ordering for one soon. Here's your new mantra - "stop eating what's on the table, start eating her pussy." That's a diet you can get on! People may think I'm out here putting you on blast (purposely) for being a fat fuck, but the reality is you are and this is probably why your marriage is all fucked up and you're insecure as shit. Let's not forget to mention your priorities are all fucked up which is driving you even more crazy. I wouldn't lie about this. True story.

See State Puft, I'm calling you out because something happened along the motherfucking way where shit got lost in translation. You got mixed up in the Food Game and she...well, she got mixed up in something other than KFC, 20 tacos and ass gas every damn night. See where I'm going with this?

I could be completely fucking wrong in my drunken observation. But if I were a betting man, odds are, your attention went somewhere else other than what's between your wife's legs. You need to bring sexy back, homeboy. Give your woman what she had back in the day. You know what that was? A M-A-N. A man who wasn't tired every fucking time he came home from work...nagging like a chick on her fucking period. A man who once was fun. A man who loved to have a goddamn great time. A man who was confident. Strong willed. Had mad fucking SWAG. And just so you know...fuck her friends. Reality is...friends who are friends with our boyfriend/girlfriend always talk shit. Why? Because you either are 1) Doing something really wrong in the relationship that your man/woman is bitching about or 2) They want to fuck you from NY to Cali and are plotting...because shady people sometimes do that shit. Real talk.

I get you're a hard working motherfucker and want to be that provider. But if it's gonna kill you, get your ass looking like Jabba the Hut and cranky on the daily, then you need to stop that shit and quit, Twinkie Tits. There are other jobs out there, brother. Here's some advice...tell your girl you've had enough with your fucked up, good paying job, you want to make a change in your career, your health, your marriage and that you would greatly appreciate it if her ass found a J-O-B, too. If she gives you the crazy eye, tells you to go fuck yourself, then basically, she's a mark-ass bitch who is just using you for the dough. And well, she doesn't give two fucks about you and what you stand for as a man. Be better, be great and show your girl you can be the guy she fell for. Remember that shit. I promise things will be on the up and up.

In life, society gets away with a shit ton of excuses. You know why? Because having an excuse is the easiest way of staying content. You know who likes being content? People who aren't motivated. Driven. Want success. Want to be happy. Those motherfuckers are excuse happy Monkey Mouth Bitches. Right now, you're that guy. A straight up, 100%, fat ass Monkey Mouth Bitch.

You're mad because you're not happy. But you can't blame anyone but yourself. TRUTH. Sure your wife spends all the money every weekend with her slutty cuntbag friends, having a good ass time...but ask yourself this - would that have been the case 10 years ago? Answer: FUCK NO. You know it, and I know that shit. Amen.

So what the fuck are you waiting for Little Big Dong...eat a salad, change your ways and get back the broad you used to fuck good 5 days a week, 3 times a fucking day. Myself, The CREW and America will be rooting for your fat ass. Do work and do it right.

No need to thank me. I already did it for you.

Much Love,
J-Wunderful