24 Hours In Vegas

I've never done a 24 hour trip in Vegas for fun. I guess there's a first time for everything, right? 24 hours. 3 guys. 1 mission. Make this shit memorable. And memorable it was.

8:30am - Land in Vegas.

8:35am - Find bar at airport. Do a Mexican stand-off (shot of tequila with a tomato back, pound a beer). Let the games begin.

9am - Approached by girls who asked if I was Tony Parker from the San Antonio Spurs. My response, "Bitch, do I look French? What are you ladies doing later?" That didn't go over so well.

9:45am - Hit up Margaritaville. Do another Mexican stand-off with a Ghetto Genius Special (Jager bomb, Car Bomb, shot of Jameson...all in a row).

10am - Feeling good. My buddy pukes on the sidewalk. Not even an hour and a half into the trip and the fucking guy pukes. Apparently, he "drank too fast". Pussy. He rally's though. All is well.

10:07am - Hit up Casino Royale (the best place to get drinks fast, gamble on the cheap) for a little Black Jack Switch and Craps.

10:08am-11:30am - We're all up a few hundred dollars at the Black Jack table. Buddy #2 just got the 55 year old cocktail waitresses number because he wants to fuck this chick at her trailer park because he's never fucked a chick at a trailer park. He actually leaves with this broad after her shift to her trailer park. Buddy #1 is smoking two cigarettes at once calling the dealer Rick Ross. The dealer is white and looks like Eminem. He's shitfaced and I'm worried. So I steal his chips and tell him it would be awesome to smoke three cigs at once. He does. The pit boss kicks him out. I stay.

11:45am-12:30pm - I'm losing a few hundred at BJ and decide to play craps. I roll for a good 20 minutes. I forget to place any bets. Who the fuck does that? I know I'm drinking too much, too fast. I could have gained back the few hundred I lost, instead, I end up with no money with 4 Crown and Diets consumed. I leave to find Buddy #1.

12:35pm - Buddy #1 is talking to a group of chicks and grabs a few numbers to try and get us laid. First thing he says, "I got the blonde, you got the grenade." I say, "There were like 5 chicks though." He says, "Yeah, two of them were single, the other three had boyfriends." Looks like I'm having sex with someones face tonight.

1pm - Buddy #2 sends me a text: "Bro, I'm a legend. I not only nailed the 55 year old coug at her trailer park but she wanted me to give her the Dirty Sanchez. If you don't believe me, I'm gonna let you smell my finger. I have stains to prove this. Meet me at the MGM Grand pool. We need a place to bathe before tonight, so the pool is our best option. The chlorine will kill our funk and the shit on my finger. LOL!" Why do I hang out with mother fuckers like this?  Please note: We have no swim gear. Head over to the store to get some shorts and head over to MGM Grand pool.

1:43pm - At the pool and grab a cabana. Shots of Jameson, Cazadores to hit the spot. I'm feeling buzzed. This isn't good. I have a whole fucking night to survive so we order food. We eat, drink then it happens. Buddy #1 throws up...AGAIN. This mother fucker is killing me. I knew I shouldn't have brought him along. Too bad this trip was his idea. I tell him, "I don't care if you throw up 100 times today. Don't fuck this up for the rest of us. Sack up, grab a drink and stop acting like you're allergic to alcohol you pussy." He gathers himself, re-rally's and heads out to the pool to bring some broads back to our cabana.

2:05pm - Buddy #2 gives me the play-by-play with him and Cougs Magee. The mother fucker really did give her a Dirty Sanchez. The only reason I know this is because his undershirt was covered in shit, jizz and what looked like Nacho Cheese Doritos. I even got the whiff of the finger. I almost puked but I had to see the evidence in order to believe this guy. BTW - that bitch is a sick fuck and I will never look at her the same way ever again. Hey coug, if you're reading this, call me.

2:34pm - Buddy #1 brings back 4 chicks to the cabana. All ugly. They drink our booze and probably take 47 duckface pics in a matter of 7 minutes. The only thing I can say out loud is, "If you're gonna do that, can you at least show your titties for the people who might want to punch you in the face?" I'm in complete dick mode. First I get assigned a possible grenade for tonight now I have 4 bitches drinking our $300 bottle of vodka, eating our nachos and duckfacing like a mother fucker.

3pm - I'm making out with one of the duckface bitches. At this point, I just needed something to warm-up my cock for the shit show that will commence tonight. She wants to hang out. I tell her I have a girlfriend. She's confused. I'm not. She wants to fuck back at her hotel. I tell her I have herpes. She leaves disgusted and tells all her friends. I started scratching my cock but realize I should only scratch it if I have krabs. Fuck it, I scratch it anyway and blow her a kiss goodbye.

3:30pm - More shots of Jameson, Cazadores and finish off with a Ghetto Genius Special. Take a dip in the pool to clean off and jam out of the MGM Grand Pool to go gamble some more.

4:08pm - Hit up New York, New York for a little roulette. I throw down $400 on 2nd 12. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Up a thousand. Fuck...after the cabana, bottle service, food, shots and beers...up $200. Fuck it. Still winning bitches.

4:19pm - Buddy #1 gets a text from the blonde at Casino Royale - they want to meet up tonight AND the chicks with the boyfriends are down to hook up if that's cool? Does shit float? Of course it's cool. I decide to put on a condom so I'm prepared in case I forget. Not really, just needed you fuckers to laugh.

5pm - More drinks at the Palms. 2 Long Islands, some mystery shot, and a little lunch. We're drunk. Buddy #1 passes out at the bar while myself and Buddy #2 make friends with two sisters from Colorado. 10 minutes later, we're making out with them. It's starting to smell funny. Buddy #2 is wearing his Dirty Sanchez undershirt still. The sister he's making out with mentions it smells like shit. She looks at him all funny. I start laughing. The sister I'm making out with asks me what's so funny. I tell her. She looks disgusted. She tells her sister. That sister almost pukes on my buddy. They leave. He takes off his undershirt and throws it at her. He goes back to pick it up because it's "memorabilia".

5:30pm - Buddy #1 is still passed out at the bar. We pay for the bill with his credit card and take his cash. We leave him.

5:52pm-6:12pm -  Find a seat at the BJ table at the Palms. Our dealers name is Dong from Vietnam. I can't stop laughing. Neither can the other 3 people who sit down with us. Dong was pissed so I had to ease the mood. I tell everyone that Buddy #2 and I are professional janitors from Bakersfield, CA. We have a 20 minute conversation on the life a professional janitor and if it's a cool job. Playing the role, the best perk we said being a professional janitor at a big ass office building, "We get to bone the secretaries. They are dirty little whores." 

6:15pm - Buddy #1 finds us and frantically tells us he's been robbed of all his cash. Dong yells at him and tells him to stop crowding the table. Buddy #1 tells Dong to go fuck himself and throws his cig at him. Security comes running but the pit boss stops them from beating the shit out of him. Dong says he was assaulted. I tell Dong that I'm two seconds away from putting my dong in his goddamn mouth if he doesn't shut the fuck up. The 3 other people at the table are shitfaced and laughing hysterically. We get kicked out again. Not before I get a BJ and cash out $300 in winnings. Buddy #1 still doesn't realize we took his cash.

6:17pm - Buddy #1 throws up on the casino floor at the Palms. We will never be allowed back there again. Casino #2 we are kicked out of.

6:50pm - More drinks. More shots. At this point, I don't even know how many drinks we've had. I'm fucking wa-wa-waaaaaasssssssted!!!!  Myself, Dirty Sanchez and Buddy #1 know with 12 hours left, we gotta go B-I-G!

7:15pm - We're walking on the strip and see a cop. I'm up $500 and figure, since we're in Vegas, lets gamble with the cops. I walk up to the officer and with a straight face I say, "'Cuse me sir. Will you taser me for 100 bucks? I just want to see what it feels like drunk and my two buddies over there want to see if it makes you piss or shit your pants. So can you?" Officer looks at me and says, "You are gonna offer me 100 dollars if I taser you? Son, stand up against that wall and put your hands up." That's right, this mother fucker is about to arrest me. Dirty Sanchez sees this and says to the cop, "Nice officer, arrest that drunk bastard. Who would offer a cop 100 bucks to get tasered? I would at least offered 200." Cops looks at DS and asks him to stand against the wall with his hands up too. This is not good. AT ALL.

7:22pm - We talk the cop out of arresting us but get a warning for being drunk in public. As this is happening, there is a guy pissing to the right of us 20 feet away. We point this out to Officer Dick Fuck, and say, "If we did that, would you taser us? We just want to get tasered." He left, we didn't get tasered. Buddy #1 pukes for like the 10th time by the guy taking a piss.

8pm - We do dinner at some steak joint inside Mandalay Bay. We're all hammered beyond control and Dirty Sanchez is no longer wearing his button up. Dude is shirtless, drinking a martini and grubbin' on a rib eye. Waiter looks at him and asks if there's a problem? DS says, "I'm just living the fucking dream Pierre." Waiter says, "My name isn't Pierre." DS replies, "Ask me how many fucks I give, Pierre?" Manager comes to escort us out. Like the asshole he is, Dirty Sanchez wraps his steak in the fancy fucking napkin and walks out...still with no shirt on. Highlight from dinner - it was FREE.

8:15pm - 10:45pm - I black out. I don't remember shit. Well, a few pieces but nothing major. But according to Buddy #1, on our way out of Mandalay Bay a few things happened:

1 - I tried to negotiate with a prostitute. First it was a hand job for 2 dollars. Then it was anal for 50 bucks. She upped the ante for both to $550. I told her I'm in if she did it on the escalator in front of everyone. She called me a douche. I grabbed her vagina. She charged me 50 bucks. I gave her $35.

2 - Buddy #1 threw up, yet AGAIN. This time, on Dirty Sanchez's shoes. As punishment, DS made Buddy #1 smell his undershirt. Guess what? Dude threw up, yet AGAIN. Who the fuck throws up that much and doesn't have the flu? Seriously.

3 - We played Pai Gow at the Hard Rock. None of us know how to play Pai Gow. We lost money. Roughly $300 each because we thought we were at a Black Jack table.

4 - We finally find a Black Jack table and we're finally starting to gain some momentum with a few wins. Then shit hits the fan and we lose 5 hands in a row. I'm now down like $1,200. No clue how, but I guess I thought I can win it back. Apparently, I had 2 Aces to split but no more money. So I guess I put one shoe, my cell phone and 67 cents in change on the table and tell the dealer, "These items should cover my split. Hit me, fucker." The pit boss walks up and asks me to remove my items off the table and either place a bet with more chips for the split or hit it straight up. I threw my change at him. We get kicked out of casino #3.

5 - Dirty Sanchez made out with a midget. Like a real one.

11'ish pm - We hit up Marquee and are out of fucking control. Dirty Sanchez still has his fucking shirt off. Unfuckingreal. Buddy #1 is still hoping that whore blonde fucks him later and I'm completely shitfaced but am well enough to hold it together. The line for this fucking club is long as fuck but I have an idea. I'm going to tell the bouncer I'm related to Pitbull. I walk up to the biggest fucking black guy I have ever seen and just say, "Hey mang, can me and my compadres cruise on in? I'm related to Pitbull mang. Calle ocho, playa. Calle ocho. Calle ocho. Ocho calle. 1, 2, 3, 4...uno, dos, tres, quatro." I have no clue what the fuck "Calle ocho" means, I just know mother fucking Pitbull says that shit about a thousand times in one of his songs. I was obviously shitfaced drunk beyond belief. The bouncer looks at me, D. Sanchez, Buddy #1 and laughs. "C'mon man, you really gonna come at me and say that shit? You can come in for $200 each." Nothing more I could say than, "$200 each? You gonna give me a blow job too Big Daddy Kane? I know this place is tight but fuck that shit. How bout I shit on your clipboard and you let us in, you broke ass Herschel Walker?" He wasn't happy, neither were we. I was 2.5 seconds away from getting power bombed by this dude. Goodbye casino #4. Kicked out yet again for being "too intoxicated". More like "too awesome".

11:55pm - We hop in a cab and decide to hit up Spearmint Rhino. We're drunk, almost on the verge of broke and need to mix it up a little bit. Cab driver hooks us up with passes then proceeds to asks us if we want any ecstasy. Sanchez is all about it so he buys two pills from the cabbie who pretty much looks like he's homeless with AIDS who just stole the car about 10 minutes ago. DS pops them in his mouth and I just look at him like he's fucking crazy. "Bro, you realize you just bought ecstasy from a man who looks like he has AIDS, right?" "J, stop trippin' bro, this is Vegas...I'm fucking drunk so what does it matter? Let's go see some fucking titties." We arrive at the Rhino minutes later.

12:10am - Never in my life have I seen a Vegas strip club so packed, so early. Not sure if it was Asian businessman night, but it sure as fucked seemed like it here. Never seen so many Asian cats in business suits making it rain 20 dollar bills and shit. We grab a seat and wait.

12:20am - We all order a beer and a Ghetto Genius special. This is not good. Especially for Buddy #1 who looks like he might murder a bitch with throw up yet AGAIN for the 1,849th time. Doesn't matter, we drink that shit like champs anyway.

12:25am - I'm on the verge of baby drunk. You know, can't see shit and anything that comes out of my mouth makes no fucking sense?

12:27am - Dirty Sanchez is bitching because the "X" hasn't set in.

12:30am - Dirty Sanchez is asking me to give him a massage. Dude is wasted and the "X" has set in but he has no fucking idea because he's too shitfaced.

12:32am - The first slutty stripper comes our way. Buddy #1 calls dibs. We let him play. "Pour Some Sugar On Me" starts playing. Dude loves Def Leopard and the stripper takes notice. About a minute into the song, she does a handstand 69 and Buddy #1's face is now in her vagina with a 5 dollar bill hanging from his mouth. He looks happy.

12:34am - Not sure what the fuck happened but that look of happiness turns into a fucking nightmare. Buddy #1 throws up on the strippers vagina. Real talk. Chaos ensues.

12:36am - Me and DS run to the bathroom. No fucking way are we getting kicked out of this place because dumb fuck keeps throwing up. We watch the madness progress. Buddy #1 looks clueless and completely shitfaced, the stripper is disgusted and we watch her take all his cash, a 6'2" bouncer grabs Buddy #1 by the collar and calmly escorts him out the club while accidentally ramming his head into a few walls along the way. I was laughing uncontrollably. How could I be pissed. Dude has now thrown up 2 million times in a matter of 18 hours or so. The best part...he yacked on a strippers fucking vagina with a 5 spot in his mouth. Me and DS head back to the floor.

12:45am - I'm approached by a stripper named Kandy (go figure, right). I can barely see anything, completely shitty but am proud I still remember what is going on. I tell Kandy I want a dance and a handy. She tells me it's gonna be 300 bucks. I tell her to go fuck off...I got bills and shit to pay. That's outside my means.

12:50am - I'm puking in the bathroom. I want to die.

12:52am - Dirty Sanchez is in the stall next to me puking. We need to leave.

1am - Buddy #1 is calling up me and DS. We don't answer. He's a rookie. We don't like rookies. We head back out to the strip club and regroup and rally.

1:15am - We find two strippers and get dances. Drunk as fuck, we order more drinks. Just beers this time. 3 songs. 100 dollars later. We're happy and I think DS just came in his pants. We both forgot he was drunk AND on ecstasy.

1:35am - I go to the ATM and withdraw 500 dollars from my bank account. At this point, I have no idea how much I've spent. All I know is that I'm getting a bunch of ones and I'm about to make it rain like a mother fucker.

1:40am - I'M MAKING IT RAIN 1 DOLLAR BILLS!

2:10am - On my 4th stripper of the night. I've spent roughly 400 dollars in a matter of 35 minutes. I don't care. Dirty Sanchez has been getting the same lap dance from the same stripper the whole time I started to make it rain. She's getting paid while he's high.

2:15am - I am now on my second trip to the ATM. 500 more dollars I withdraw. I think I'm down $3K in less than 24 hours.

2:30am - Two strippers. 4 tits in my face. I'm covered in the scent of cocoa butter and glitter. I have the worst case of blue balls but I can't get hard for the life of me. I'm so drunk but having the best time of my fucking life. I get a secret quick handy from both strippers. They walk about 200 dollars richer. Each. What the fuck am I doing? I just spent 400 bucks for 10 minutes and I didn't even bust a nut. I'm pissed.

2:35am - I tell DS we need to fucking leave. I've spent over $1K at a strip club and I'm too fucking drunk to comprehend anything, let alone English. He hands me over a credit card. It's Buddy #1's. We stay for another hour.

2:40am - 3:40am - 4 more lap dances and shit ton more drinks. I was able to negotiate 2 free lap dances because I've been so kind in supporting 10 strippers with their college education for the last 3 hours. I ask "Sexy Lexy" to make out with me for 20 bucks. She makes out with me for free. Wish I would have told her I threw up earlier. WINNING.

3:45am - We leave with smiles on our faces and about $3K poorer. DS is half naked, AGAIN, and is still fucked up off the "X". We head back to the strip.

4:05am - We find Buddy #1 passed out on a bench in front of Bally's. Covered in puke. People are taking pictures of him. We wake him up and decide to play one last hand inside one of the casino's. We head to Excalibur because that's where I first went when I was 21. You always gotta go where you popped your cherry.

4:25am - We get to the first roulette table we see and pull out all the money we had left on 2nd 12. It was roughly 250 bucks. Dealer spins the ball and we watch it roll in slo-mo.

4:27am - Buddy #1 pukes A-G-A-I-N. Right before we watch the ball hit 18...a fucking winner. They stop the game, yell some shit at the top of their fucking lungs and what do you know...kick us out. Peace out Casino #5. At this point, I just want to punch Buddy #1 in the face. But how could I when DS and I just maxed out his credit card at the Rhino. Oops.

4:45am - Broke, battered, drunk and haggard we head to the airport.

5:25am - Buddy #1 checks his phone to see that the blonde from Casino Royale wants to meet up. He looks at this text, looks at us, rolls down the taxi cab window and throws his phone. Silence and not a single fuck was given.

5:45am - We hit our gate at the airport and look like we've been through hell and back. We're still wasted, we smell God fucking awful and what we've experienced in the last 22 hours is nothing I could even digest, let alone...I don't even know. I have no fucking words.

6:30am - Board our flight and don't say shit to each other. As I go to look for my seat in the foggy haze, the flight attendant takes one look at me and says, "Looks like someone had an interesting night. Hahahaha.", as I stand there scented with cocoa butter and glitter all over my fucking face. Shirts a fucking wreck. Sin all over my body but a smile that only says, "I did Vegas right." That we fucking did.

It was the quietest flight I have ever been on. When we landed, I told Dirty Sanchez and Buddy #1 we shouldn't talk to each other for at least 4-6 months. They agreed.

24 hours in the books and day that will never be forgotten. The only sad part...I didn't get laid. Fuck it. Shit happens. Until we meet again Vegas.