The Things We Fucking Love

Like the rest of the world, myself and The CREW love a lot of fucking things. So today, I thought I would share some of the shit that we can't live without. Without further adieu, I give to you sons of bitches, "The Things We Fucking Love..."


Fried Fucking Chicken:
JW: Notice how I didn't just say "food" or fried chicken? Hell nah...I'm talking about FRIED FUCKING CHICKEN. Now, some of y'all are gonna think this is gonna turn into some black joke or some shit. Fuck no it ain't. Dave Chappelle already nailed that shit down. On a serious note, fried chicken ain't nothing to fuck with. Damn straight. And to all my African American peeps - I love me some fried fucking chicken. I fuck that shit up to the bone. Hell, sometimes I just eat the bone because that shit is so goddamn delicious, I think I should eat like a homeless person. Real talk.

Growing up, my moms would make 5 tupperwares of this shit for dinner. No joke. I guess that's what happens when you got a hungry ass family of seven to feed, right? Anyway, since I went from sucking on my mom’s titties to sucking down some of her delicious ass drum sticks and chicken wings, I've become addicted to this wholesome goodness and quite honestly, have not met a piece of fried chicken I didn't like. Serve that shit with a cold ass beer and some corn on the cob...watch the fuck out because I will eat that shit like a kid from a 3rd world country eating rice for the first time AND probably beat your ass and eat your shit too. Next.


Booze:
If there is one thing I love, it's booze. I cannot even tell you how goddamn much I enjoy booze. I don't care if that shit is wine, beer, malt liquor, hard alcohol...shit, even mouthwash...anything with an alcohol content, I'll probably drink it. Now, some of you bitches are probably saying, "That fool J-Wunderdrunk is a goddamn alcoholic." Yeah I'm an alcoholic...of awesomeness. I mean, what is the only thing outside of drugs that will make you:

- Feel good
- Feel great
- Feel like shit
- Feel like death
- Help you tell the truth
- Help you lie, but not really
- Fuck for hours
- Not fuck at all
- Pass out
- Blackout
- Shit for a week straight
- Piss for a week straight, out yo ass
- Fight
- Fight for no reason
- Get your ass kicked
- Go to jail
- Eat
- Sleep
- Cry
- Listen to Boys II Men naked while reading love letters from your high school Biology teacher you finger banged in high school...wait, what?

You get my point.

Booze is a game changer. With EVERYTHING. Too much of it, you're screwed. Too little of it, you're fucked. Just the right amount...SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL, SON! Booze: it's so good when you drink it, you already know how shit's gonna go down. True story.


Sex:
H-Bomb: I can't believe J's candy-ass didn't say sex, because that mother fucker loves sex like I love Gucci Fanny Packs. Since he did steal Fried Fucking Chicken (I think he forgets that I am from the South, and when I stopped sucking titties, I too was given a piece of chicken to gnaw on) and Booze (such a greedy fucker), I choose sex. Actually, I fucking love fucking. I would rather go to pound town than do just about anything else. One of my dreams is to be riding a dude, while eating a piece of Fried Fucking Chicken.

I love sex so much that I can't even pick one gender to bang. Yep, that's right kiddos, sometimes I feel like a nut, and sometimes I don't. Let me tell you, if you are sexy and I am drunky, chances are I am going to try to get with you. Chances are even better that I am going to succeed. I am not a cocky person, but I do know what I bring to the table. And when I bring something to the table, I fucking bring IT.

Sex is truly a magical drug. It cures or improves anything and everything. Bad day at work? Anger Bang! Promotion at work? Celebration Bang! Going to the midnight showing of Twilight? Distraction from shitty movie bang (extra points for public sex). Crashed your car? Consolation Bang! Being in your best friend's wedding? Bridesmaid Bang (double points if you don't mess up your hair and make-up)! On Vacation? Hotel Bang! Flying to go to your vacation destination? Mile High Bang!  You see where I am going with this? There isn't much that sexicillan can't fix or, in fact, make better. I want to get my doctor to write me a script, so I can hand it to people and say, "We gotta bang, Doctor's orders." Sex. It's what's for dinner.


Beats:
In addition to the horizontal Mambo, the other thing that I fucking love is Music. Some people thought I was going to say Scotch and you are very close, but music is my passion. The only instrument I can actually play is the skin flute, but I do appreciate music in all genres, even country and classical.

For as long as I can remember I have been a music fanatic. As a kid I was Madonna for Halloween 3 years in a row, until my dad finally told my mom to stop allowing his 7 year old to dress like a prostitot. The next year I was a butterfly, thanks Dad. I could have had a lucrative career as a child Madonna impersonator. But, much to dad's chagrin, that didn't stop me from playing dress up and wearing my grandmas slips and night gowns and lip synching to 'Like a Virgin' 52 times a day.

As I have gotten older, my tastes have evolved slightly with regards to music, but the fact that I love music remains the same. I have seen my favorite band over 20 times, and actually am going to see them at least 2 more times this summer. I always have music on in my office - anything from Gangster Rap to Celine Dion (haters to the motherfucking left; the line starts behind L-Train) to everything else in between. I make no apologies for what I like, either. I have some friends that hate some of the music that I listen to, and I always remind them that I am DILLAGAF for life. Can't nobody break-a my style, can't nobody hold me down... Oh, no! I got to keep on moving.

When I get to combine my two favorite things, the stars will align in someone's favor. I went on a date with a dude a few years back and after dinner and drinks we went back to his house. He handed a glass of wine, threw on one of my favorite songs from my favorite band, and you could literally hear my panties falling to the ground. He knew he was in there, like swimwear. Winner, Winner, Fried Fucking Chicken Dinner.


Weed:
L-Train: Our assignment was to write about a few things that we love.  Since nobody wants to hear about my kids or my awesome friends or how all the fucking flowers I bought and planted have already died, I decided to write about the only other thing I love in the world. To our fan faithfuls, you already know…

J-Wunder and H-Bomb like to booze it up. Alcohol hates me, so I turned for comfort to its close friend and neighbor, The Chronic. That bitch loves me. The best thing about weed is that it doesn’t impair your ability to do a fucking thing. Not one. Well, maybe get off the couch to get the remote because it’s way the fuck over there, but, other than that, weed makes you awesome at everything. You can drive like a motherfucker while you’re high. Yes, you’re only driving 12 miles an hour, but you’re doing it like a slow-mo fucking boss. And then when you get to 7/11, you forgot why you went there, but now that you’re there you might as well get something. Doritos? Fuck yeah! I better get 2 bags because what if I spill one? Snickers bar? I need 3 of those motherfuckers. Water. Dude, why am I so fucking thirsty? Then, when you’re standing in the store considering last-minute additions to your digestive nightmare of a fucking smorgasbord, you start laughing because weed makes everything – even things that aren’t funny - funnier. When you see a kid eat shit on his bike or run face-first into something, that shit’s not fucking funny, right?  Well, then, you must not be high. I’m not saying I enjoy watching children injure themselves so don’t get on some fucking wankage and start sending J-Wunder emails about how “L-Train thinks child abuse is okay” , meow, meow. I don’t like it when kids hurt themselves, but any of you assholes who have watched AFV while you were high knows EXACTLY what the fuck I’m talking about. Once you’ve realized that you’ve been at 7/11 for 38 minutes and you bounce the fuck out of the store, you get in your car and creep away.

Once you’re back on the street, everything is high again and all you can think about is swinging back around to KFC, because nothing goes better with Doritos than Fried Fucking Chicken and some mashed potatoes and gravy that taste like the smell of cat piss. Fried Fucking Chicken Tastes Better When You’re High. That’s gonna be the title of my first book. You can quote me on that shit. (And, for the record, I will eat J-Wunder under the goddamn table in a chicken-off. Real talk. Fuck him and his McDonald’s gorge-a-thon. Real bitches power-pound chicken for sport.) One of you high-ass motherfuckers better weigh in on this shit to let me know I’m not alone because I’m getting a little paranoid.  Now I gotta go get my fucking Boyz II Men Greatest Hits cassette tape back from H-Bomb. I hope she’s finished cry-maxing.