Advice Column: When to hit it so he don't quit it

So here's the deal. I'm a single mom of one. I own my own house, I have my own car, I have a great job and am university educated. I am 29, blonde and average size. I meet lots of guys, and I always think things are going great, we hit it off, we have some drinks, and then I end up gettin' it in, and NEVER hearing from them again. Is it cause I put out too quickly? Do guys not see relationship material with one night stands? I dton't think I am boreing or annoying, the conversations always keep rolling, I laugh at their jokes, and they laugh at mine. Is it intimidating to date a chick who has her own shit? What am I doing wrong? I don't obsessively text/call, I don't face stalk... ok yea I do, but they don't know that... I'm not asking them to marry me or asking them how many kids we should have and what their names should be, my guy friends tell me I'm a cool chick and I have lots of friends that are girls, I think I'm a likable person... The only thing I can chalk it down to is wanting to get it in. What do ya think?

-Still Single


Dear SS,

It seems like you already answered your own romantical query, but you came to us for answers and answers you shall have.

When to get all aboard the pound town express is an age old dilemma. Once people figured out ‘how’ to have sex they immediately figured out how to fuck with someone’s brain when it comes to ‘when’ to have sex. Too soon? You’s a hoe! Not soon enough? You are as frigid as the iceberg that bested the Titanic, minus the awesome Celine Dion theme song.

It is also a question that in some form or another has been posed to the crew. I actually answered a similar query awhile back (House On Whore Island) where someone wanted to know when it was ok to ride the baloney pony. I think I have made it more than clear that my personal belief is that when two consenting adults want to rock each other’s bodies, they should rock the fuck out of each other’s bodies. Whether you just met, have known each other for years or what the fuck ever your situation is, if you are feeling froggy, hippity-hop, mother fucker.

You, however, are talking about dating, emotions and all the magical shit that comes before or after the sexy-time, depending on so many variables. The thing about variables is that I failed Algebra in high school, so if I tried to make a math joke here I would probably just fuck it up. But, there ARE so many variables when it comes to affairs of the heart, and not just the part of a part that spreads apart. People may call me a hypocrite for what I am about to say, but shut your face-hole before you start polluting my air with stupid and pay attention to the words that are coming off your screen.

Yes, I firmly, whole-heartedly, 153 million percent believe that if you are DTF, get it. Get it from the back, from the front, in an upside-down 69, with someone watching, in a car, in a house, on an air-mattress covered in baby oil, however, wherever and whatever the fuck you like to do to someone(s), do it. Don’t hold back, act like this is the last piece of _____ left on the planet, and it is all yours.

When you wake up in the morning, tuck you panties in your purse and moonwalk the fuck out of there. Don’t leave your number and don’t expect a phone call. Sounds like a shit thing to say and hear out loud, but that is the truth. While I do know several people who fucked on the first date then sent out wedding invitations a few years later and even a few men-friends of mine who said they would totally date a chick who’s back they blew out 5 hours after meeting her, that is not usually the norm. If I knew the answer to why it is like this I would not be sitting here writing advice columns, but rather sitting on my hammock on my boat in Bora Bora and polishing my Nobel Prize in Sociology...and writing advice columns.

You could be the baddest chick in town, who is awesome at being awesome but if you give it up too soon, you are probably not going to be baddest chick in town, with a boyfriend. You seem like someone who is looking for more, and who is doing their part not to perpetuate crazy by being that girl. We all know a girl who is that girl, too. The one that goes on a date with a guy, then goes all fatal attraction on him. The minute she meets the guy she wants to meet his mom, calls 76 times the next day and texts twice as much. She shows up at his house unexpectedly, stalks him on the web, in real life, and is one more act of fuckery away from having a dude file a restraining order against her. Don’t be that girl, and if you are quit that shit.

Since you don’t seem to be that girl, the next time you are out with someone you like a lot and things are going well, DON’T sleep with him. I don’t care if the man tells you he loves to eat pussy and can breathe through his ears. Don’t do it. Go out with him, get to know him better. Only go to very well lit, crowded places. Fuck, go to a play-ground at 3 pm on a Saturday. Whatever you have to do to NOT want to have sex with him, do it.

I know this seems simple in theory, but much like the orgasm you are going to have if you make each other wait, I am building to something here. In this day and age, with society being so go-go-go, a lot of the simpler things have been over looked and one of them is courting someone when you are dating. I will open hand slap the first person who calls me old-fashioned, too, for saying that. But there is something that may be better than the sex you have on the first date. It’s the sex you have on the 5 or 6th date that is going to be mind blowingly good, because of a little thing called anticipation.

Stop looking at your screen, all slack-jawed like I just told you to wait for marriage and that it doesn’t count if you do it in the butt. I am being fucking serious here. Well, not really serious, this Inside the Mind of A Ghetto Genius, for fucks sake, but I am being as serious as I can be when I am trying to tell someone to wait to have sex. I PROMISE you that by the time you two are ready to bone down, it’s going fucking down. I promise you are going to do things that will make a goat throw up. And everyone who reads my advice columns know I back my promises with a guarantee - I, H-Bomb, being on unsound mind and body built for sin, promise that if you both wait until after the first few dates to have sex you are going to literally blow each other away. If you don’t, I promise to come fuck you two fuck-tards until you cum, proper.

Here's the other big secret I have been holding out, until now. The beauty of making each other wait, is that in time you weren’t having sex, you were getting to know someone and building a relationship. If you keep someone wanting more, they are going to keep coming back.

If this advice works, I want an invite to the wedding. Or, if it doesn’t and you meet some guy and bang on the first date and get married, I want an invite as well. I am awesome at weddings.

H-Bomb