Advice Column: Parenting 101

Dear J- Wunder & Crew,

I don't know who exactly this goes to, BUUT, I will say that your blog is fuken hilarious. Big props! I got a question for you guys, some needed advice actually. There is a supermarket right around the corner from my house. It's similar to the Wal-Mart Supercenter, where you find everything and urrrthang. I go there almost everyday because, we'll my wife can never make up her damn mind and make one big list. So here the situation, every time I go, there is always a lil bastard that is either yelling at their parents or just being a pain in the ass. I have kids, so I have a tolerance for them. But when parents(white people) don't want to put their kids in line, that shit bothers me. "Come here Dakota... no Dakota, don't run.... away." Sometimes I feel like grabbing little Dakota by the elf ears and putting a price tag on their forehead and putting them on the top shelf, along with the milk. REAL TALK! So of course I'm not going to do anything to anyone else's kid. But maybe something funny for you guys to bring up. jajaja

Thanks for the laughs guys and keep bringin' dat realness!!

-Beto "El Alacran"

(Spanish for the Scorpion)


Dear what is the word for douche bag in Spanish,

When I first started to read your letter I was all "this guy thinks we are hilarious, he must be as smart as we are." However, the more I read the more incensed (J, L, $20 says "El Alacran" needs to Google that word) I became. Are you for-fucking-real here? I often wonder if I get the advice columns that are really people punking us, because in 2012 I find it hard to believe that people this ignorant still exist. Then I remind myself that I live in FL, where stupidity still abounds.

How you managed to be racist, stupid and violent in just a few sentences amazes me. I am all for a good open hand slap - ON AN ADULT, but the fact that you implied that you would want to harm a child is unfathomable (double or nothing, J & L), even under the worst of circumstances. Before I properly address that, I have to point out something that has been niggling at me since I started reading this cock-nuggetry.

With out even meeting your wife, I can already guess why she sends you to the store everyday.

Has anyone else followed me on this journey? I think a few of you have... and you are right. I am willing to bet dollars to doughnuts (I think I need Gambler’s Anonymous) that she does this to get your stupid ass away from her for a few moments. You seem like a weaselly, annoying, kind of fuck-tard, and I bet the sound of your voice alone is like nails on a chalk board to wifey. Does she have band-aids on her ears because they have been bleeding from all your blathering? That’s another bet I am willing to make.

If anyone is wondering why I am so irate right now, here’s why.

First off, I am white, so assuming that white people do not discipline their children is fucking ludicrous, and I don’t mean the rapper. While I did come from a pretty laid-back house hold, if you got lippy or sassy with Ma Dukes you got the back of her hand. Don’t get it twisted, Ma Dukes is cool as fuck, but the minute you took a tone or stepped out of line in the least, she would set your ass straight. And G-Ma Dukes? That lady wrote the book on "I don’t play." She was covert like Black Ops, too - she could discipline you in a store, in a restaurant, on a plane - wherever and whenever, and not a single person knew you were getting pinched on the leg because you even thought about sassing her. If you think white people don’t discipline their kids, think again.

Second, you say you are a parent? Then you should know how fucking crazy kids can be at any given time, for one reason or another no reason at all. You should also realize that until you have walked in another parent's shoes you have NO FUCKING RIGHT to judge another parent. None. Ya dig, son? Do you know if the kid is special needs, ADHD, or just in a really rambunctious mood? No, so just buy your shit and be about your business.

Third, the fact that you even think about harming another child as a "joke" gives me the chills. The bad kind. Sure, we have all been out and either heard the screaming kid or saw the one that threw themselves on the ground in the middle of the store or the one that ran away and is hiding somewhere being a little shit, like all kids are want do. When your perfectly behaved, intellectually superior kid ends up in juvie, pregnant or addicted to drugs, because of your stellar parenting skills, call me so I can laugh my ass of at you, and hell, maybe I will even write you a check for bail or rehab. I would offer to send clothes for the baby, but they would be from people like me (white people) and I wouldn't want my entire races bad parenting to rub off on you. You know that shit is contagious, right?

I bet if some honkey-ass, crazy-cracker-bitch started telling you what to do and how and when to discipline your kids you would be furious. Oh, wait, I am the honkey-ass, crazy-cracker-bitch, doing just that. Not so funny now, is it?

The next time you go to the store add these things to your list: a big bottle of mindyabidness, some ear plugs so you can’t hear all the "bad parenting" going on and some tampons for your vagina. Because you seem like a real little bitch to me.

I gotta go hug some unruly white, latino, black, purple and polka-dot kids now. I am out!