Advice Column: Mind Games

Dear Flo-Rich,

Long time reader and believer in your blog. I'm writing you because I was dating this guy for almost a year and he has been traveling a lot for the summer so we haven't been keeping in contact as much. I'm not quite sure you can call it dating since we go out occasionally together but mainly have sex. Recently he has messaged me asking whether or not I've slept with anyone since he has left and admittedly being jealous. So rule of thumb I ask him the same and he confessed to sleeping with this one night stand while i was dating someone else. I've asked him before if he would get mad if i went out with another guy and he was always nonchalantly saying why would he care. I've always given him first priority and wanted to establish a relationship with him but he says he doesn't have the time to be a proper boyfriend to me. I do realize the whole if he wants to be with you he will thing but i know he's right deep down because we are both just starting out in our lives and trying to establish a life. Before he left on his travels i wrote him a letter telling him how i feel not to get a reaction but just to let him know. Anyways we got into this huge argument because he said that he wished i was more open so that he could share with me every minuscule detail of his sexual life and i was like WTF are you even serious. I know that i can't continue to be with him or what ever we are doing but i just hate this feeling. How can i get over it and how did i even start to develop feelings for him?

Thanks,
Desperate



Dear Desperate,

It’s always the boys who don’t give a shit that end up getting the most attention. I’m about to give you some REAL TALK because if you don’t put a brake on this loser’s inconsiderate, mind-fucking ways, you’re going to find yourself stranded at the Oakland Airport.

Wait, what?

Back in the day, I liked a guy who lived in the Bay Area. I lived in LA. I called him a lot more than he called me. He didn’t want me to date anyone else, but that rule didn’t apply to him. He loved to go into detail about all the women who were jocking him and all the nasty shit he did to them in bar bathrooms, on the hood of his 15-year-old Camry, and in the one-bedroom apartment he shared with five other guys.

He was nice enough when he paid attention to me, and that’s what kept me coming back. So I turned a blind eye. I made him a priority. My girlfriends said I was being stupid. I claimed I was being understanding and patient. He was young. He needed to “find his way.” I believed that eventually, he would become a proper boyfriend because he would realize what a gem I was.

No ma’am, that’s not the way sanity works.

I finally saved up enough cash to buy a plane ticket to see this fool. Although he said he would be busy for most of the weekend, I didn’t mind. He must have been very busy because he didn’t pick me up at the airport. I spent the night, ALONE, in Oakland. Haven’t heard from him since.

DON’T BE ME. I plan to tell my kid this when she gets old enough to start meeting sad-ass fuckers.

I can tell you’re sprung on this guy because you’re making excuses for him. “He’s traveling a lot” and that’s why he can’t reach out. You know “he’s right deep down,” because y’all are both still trying to establish a life.

When I was broke as fuck, I had a cheap-ass cell phone that didn’t flip shut. I butt-dialed at least six people every hour on accident. These days, if I don’t feel like talking, I am still able to email, tweet, text, FB message, write a letter, or send some goddamn smoke signals to the ones I care about. He doesn’t reach out because he’s doesn’t want to. I am very sorry if that was harsh. But I want to give it to you straight because sometimes, a jolt of pain wakes us up.

You said it yourself. You CANNOT continue to be with him. He imposes double standards. He is manipulative.

But just because you decide this in your head doesn’t make it an easy reality.

So do this: 60 days. No contact. I am being serious. Go to the dollar store and buy a goddamn calendar and count out 60 days. Today can count if that makes you feel better. Mark it in bold. And whatever the hell you do, DO NOT have any contact with him. And on Day 60, I promise you that even when given the choice to reach out, you won’t.

If I’m wrong, email me. I will refund you the dollar for your calendar. And I’ll buy you a beer. I’m cheap as fuck, so you should know that I only offer this because I know THIS WILL WORK.

You deserve more. I know this much is true.

Flo-Rich