Advice Column: Fatherly Advice

Mr. J-Wunder,

Thanks for putting out an awesome blog. A lot of the shit you say is the God Damn truth. I just wish I found your blog sooner. Anyways, on to why I emailed you.

I'm a 34 year old guy. My son, who's 17 is coming onto his own. The problem is, this motherfucker is too "innocent", as his mom would say. I've tried to raise him so he would be ready when the Real World starts swinging for real. Sink or swim is what I have been telling him for years. Now it's just me and him at the house. And some of the shit he tells me drives me to drink my bottle of Blue Label. I've been sitting on that shit, waiting for my divorce to be finalized, yet I'm wasting it away on his bullshit nice guy act.

I introduced him to your blog, hoping that some outside influence would steer him right. And it has for the most part. Until last week. Here's our conversation last week at Hooters.

Him: Dad, a friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend and wants to hang out.  What should I do?

Me: How is this a problem?  Hang out with her. Sounds like she wants some new dick.

Him: OK. So what if something happens. Should I feel bad?

Me: After eating a wing. Son, never feel bad for putting your penis in some broad's pussy, especially if she's asking for it. Don't be a nice guy.  She will eat you alive and you'll forever be stuck in the FriendZone. She doesn't want a friend. She wants to fuck.

After telling him that, he was silent.

J-Wunder, I think that's a priceless piece of advice a Father can give to a Son. What else can I say or do to get the message across? What can I do to break him out of his shell? Thanks man!



Dear Pops,

I'm calling you "Pops" because the shit you just wrote sounded like my fucking pops. So don't take offense to it. But if you do, ask me how many fucks I give. None.

Now, I'm gonna be completely fucking honest...I like and appreciate your goddamn approach. Wanna know why? Because my dad was the same fucking way. See, growing up, I was like your son (kinda). I was the goodie goodie kid but with a twist. I started fucking chicks at age 13 because the choices I had growing up were: 1) Be in a gang, 2) Deal drugs, 3) Do drugs, 4) Go to prison, 5) All of the above. I chose school, jerking off and fucking mad bitches.

Truth be told, I was a nice guy back in the day. Hell, I still am. However, it was my super-nice-I'll-do-whatever-you-want-to-make-you-super-duper-fucking-happy guy mentality that chicks weren't digging. It was so goddamn mother fucking nice that every relationship I had, every bitch ended up cheating on me with some douche who had a little more "I don't give a fuck" attitude in their forte. Fucked up shit, right? Now don't get it twisted, this only happened in high school. I learned fast enough to never be fucked over so quick again. You can only bring a brother down for so long, ya feel me?

See, kids like your son need to realize that being nice isn't a bad thing. There isn't a mother fucker in this world who doesn't like someone who's nice. What his problem is, is that he needs to not give a fuck and just "run with it". Grow a fucking sack. Act like he's got a huge ass dick. If he's already packing heat in his pants, well tell him let that shit be known. Bitches don't want a man hiding the goods. Especially if he ever plans on letting bitches ride first class along the Pound-Town Express. Choo Choo mother fuckers.

The day I realized this and added it to my goodie bag of awesomeness, you know what happened? I got 10 times more pussy. True story. Women aren't stupid. They know exactly what the fuck they're doing. It's not like us guys who find excuses on why shit doesn't work out as we're standing there, alone, dick in hand, crying to Boys II Men's "I'll make love to you" that's been on repeat for the last 2 fucking hours. Fuck no. Bitches are the Einstein of dick. Well, some are. Others are either crazy and will end up killing you in your fucking sleep. Real talk.

Your son's friend has given him a key that only he has. Actually, she has given him the key that was once owned by the ex-boyfriend. It's his mission to change the locks on that mother fucker. No woman who breaks up with their boyfriend, calls up another dude just to "hang out". Unless your son's gay, consider that shit normal for females. Chicks that call up the male "friend", want one thing - DICK. And your son is the lucky contestant on "The Cock is Right", amigo. Now, whether she wants more to your sons Cock-Fu Panda remains to be seen, however, that should be the least of your sons concern right now. What he needs to do is stop being so goddamn naive and nice and let this shit play out. I'm not saying act like a complete dick to her and call her out for being a vulnerable whore. She already knows she is, trust me. What he needs to do is just "run with it". Be that shoulder to cry on but not act like a FriendZone fucking pussy. Tell that broad, "People make mistakes baby. Fuck that guy. I'm here for you and could show you how a man should treat a woman." Shit like that. But he needs to be confident. Know that even though she may not want his dick, that she WANTS his dick. Confidence is key in 100% of situations. Women can smell weakness for goddamn miles and when they do, they peace the fuck out. Trust me. I was that dude back in high school. Sure I got pussy quite often but once I went all emo and shit, bitches were like, "Fuck this dude. He needs to be a little more of a man and sack the fuck up." I ain't embarrassed at all for admitting it because I've learned through the many years of training, how not to fuck shit up and not give a fuck when presented a "not give a fuck" situation.

I admire the shit you've preached to your son, even though the fucking kid sounds like he might be gay. Don't trip man, I'm just trying to add some suspense to this column so he can prove to me, you and the fucking world he doesn't take the Pound-Town Express down the Hershey highway and he beats that pussy like I plan to beat some this week. The nice guy role can only take you so fucking far. Especially if it has anything to do with getting in a girls pants. Chicks hold the cards for a reason so it's his job to lay down the Royal Fucking Flush and show that broad that he's got the golden fucking glow of dicks.

Tell your son FriendZoning is for dudes who are afraid of fucking pussy. Last I checked, nice guys like pussy. If he doesn't like pussy, then tell him to ask that broad if she has any cute guy friends. Good luck and keep it 100. BTW - you had me at Blue Label. You're a good fucking man.

I'm out,

J-Wun