Advice Column: Back In The Game

Alright J-Wunder and Crew, I really need y'all's advice,

I am a young Widow (my husband passed in '09) and I am interested in Flirting/Dating again but I have no clue how to start. Now I have dated and even had a relationship since my husband passed but these were guys that I have known for a number of years.

I don't drink much, more a fan of the MJ and I LOVE SEX. I've Loved sex my whole life, took full advantage of it when I was married and love it more now. I have always been a "Lady on the Street and a Freak in the bed." Thanks Luda ;)

So, I want to know how to start flirting with fresh meat guys or flirt back if I'm out and about. For example, If a guy offers to buy me a drink at a bar what's the protocal? Can I tell him that I only drink top shelf liqour? I dont drink much so when I do I like my liqour to be of good quality.

I have attached a pic so you can see that I'm not unattractive or have problems attracting men so mastering this flirting thing would really help.

Thanks.

W.

P.S. You guys and gals fucking rock my WonderBra OFF!!!



Dear W,

First of all, my condolences on you being a widow. That’s some tough fucking shit to go through. Kudos to you though for gettin’ back on that horse and being a fellow sex lover! Mr. J-Wunderful asked me to answer your email. Maybe because he doesn’t know how to flirt well, or maybe he’s just too goddamn drunk to form words again. Thank goodness he's great in the sack. Wait, what? Either way, I’m here to help! Let's begin.

Flirting is a game best played by a wise person. With that being said, you should understand that not all people qualify to play. Fuck no. You said that you’ve dated and had a relationship since your husband, but that they were familiar peeps. This was a good tactic on your part because it takes away the awkward “getting to know you” stage of dating. Plus, fucking someone you already know isn't as weird as fucking some stranger...I think. Anyway, getting back on the dating scene can be easier when proper steps are taken. So now that you are past that first step, it's time for you to move up to the pros like a mother fucking BOSS!!!!

While many people go to bars to find a possible future date, flirting can really be done anywhere and anytime. It’s really the art of the flirt itself that will get you in. Consider places like the grocery store, coffee shop, sex shop….well maybe not that last one, unless you like that kinda shit. If you do, flirting at a sex shop is done best when holding a really huge dildo...not like I would know or anything, I just heard that's the best way to flirt. ;)

My biggest pet peeve about the younger generation (meaning college aged boys), and yes, I know I’m aging myself here, is that they don’t understand how to hold a real damn conversation. True story. I’m a good looking 31 year old woman who has her shit together and am surprised at how many men are speechless when intelligent words come out of my mouth. My point is you sexy bitch, that you should not dumb yourself down for A-N-Y-O-N-E. Being true to yourself is the best policy. If you like sports, fast cars, exotic cuisine….talk about that shit! Don’t just get cornered into a chat about the fucking weather and what jobs you both hate. That’s gonna get your ass nowhere fast. Plus, if a guy can't find something interesting to talk about other than the two boring ass topics I just stated, peace the fuck out of there.

If you do decide to go to your local joint to single mingle this should help break the ice. You say that you are a top shelf boozer. I respect that shit. Gone are my days of drinking Mad Dog and Arbor fucking Mist. That shit is guaranteed to give me a hangover. Some nice Kettle One or whiskey though…..good fucking night right there! If a guy is lucky, my panties might drop with the quickness if he plays his cards right...but I digress. Also, if you are going to order that top shelf and expect him to pay for it, don’t mix it into some fruity ass spring break cocktail. Fuck that. Drinks like that are for women who can’t handle their alcohol. Which brings me to another point…

BE CLASSY! Class gets MEN, slut gets BOYS. If a man sees a well-dressed woman sitting at the bar sipping on a martini or something straight up, he’s gonna be a little intimidated. With intimidation comes respect. He’s going to know he can’t just walk up to you and spit some cheesy ass line like, “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” If this does happen though, grab his balls and tell him you just wanted to make sure he had a pair since his bitch ass came at you with some pussy ass line. Anyway, the smart man is going to introduce himself to you, make eye contact, and stimulate your mind rather than try to stick his hands up your dress on the dance floor (but if you's a hoe, then hit the flo'). If you are pleased on the initial look over, give the convo a damn shot. I know you might be thinking that the first glance shouldn’t play a role, but let's be honest...it does. You have to be initially attracted to this guy. Otherwise, you’ll be leading him on and end up with a stalker. No one likes a fucking stalker...unless you're fucking crazy too. If the small talk is going well, try throwing some things into conversation that are unexpected. Just don't say some shit that makes you look like a crazy bitch. And we all know bitches be crazy sometimes.

If you’re feeling this guy and thinking about letting him find out about your freakish ways, say something about how you think being a good kisser is essential to sexual chemistry. If he hadn’t been thinking about kissing you, he is now. I fucking promise. I have used this line many times and it’s worked every damn time. So use it carefully. I don’t know if you are looking more for casual encounters or a relationship. Either way, don’t discuss this right away. Be real, but don’t be fucking desperate. You are an attractive ass lady (as shown by the pics you sent) and do you know what that means on top of being a freak in the sheets? Winner in any guys book! That's pure fucking gold my friend. So if you’re into the guy and want to take it to the bedroom, do it. Nothing wrong with exploring your options and what's in his pants. And if you think you might see something past wild sex with this lucky man, then don’t give up the cookie the first night. No, no, no. Rock his night by having some PG-13 make out time and then leave him wanting more (a little blue balls never hurt anybody, right? ok, it has but you get the picture). Men dig that shit. Think second base type action. If you stimulated both his mind and his rod, he’ll be back for more. Trust me. Side note: J-Wunder thanks you for some new spank bank material by the way.

Don’t play the “game”. If you’re into a guy, let his ass know. Give him signals like subtle physical contact. A hand on the leg can go a long way to letting him know your intentions. Also, keep your eyes on him. Looking around at every other person in the bar is going to make him feel ignored and he’ll likely move onto his next best target which might be some drunk ass skank...well, if he goes in desperate mode. Guys like attention just as much as us ladies, so make his ass feel the love.

I know if you follow these guidelines, you’ll be one your way to a flirting pro in no time. If not, I’ll buy you a bottle of that top shelf liquor to make you forget you ever read this advice.

Go get your seduction on!

RoMo