Advice Column: More Ounce for the Bounce

So J.... I was wondering if you could tell me why most "skinny" guys LOVE a thick girl? ? I have always been complimented on my big thighs and ass which both i am very unhappy with. I do not like my big legs and ass why do they all love that about me. In fact that's what gets em hot!! Explain please ;)


Dear Big Booty Babe,

I don’t even know what you look like, but I can almost guarantee you are a babe. A succulent, scrumptious, big-bootylicious woman. You are probably a sight to hold and behold, a full-figured woman in all her glory. Why do I keep going off about what you look like knowing full well that I don’t actually know? Because I am a member of the Big Booty Babe Club and that is why J-Wunder asked me to take this. It’s one thing to hear from a man why they love a thick woman, but as women are their own and each other’s harshest critics, I bet what I have to say might have a little more merit.

I have always been a bigger girl, with more ass than a Mexican pig farm. Over the years I have been called, amongst other things: Bubble Butt (thanks mom and dad), Mount Everass (thanks OG) and ass-so-fat-you-can-see-it-from-the-front (thanks TRose) and because of that for a long time I was not proud of my plush posterior. But then you know what? I found out that boys, men, children, giraffes and many other creatures are enamored by a big, beautiful, ass; so I changed my way of thinking. Instead of hating on my self, I starting loving myself, knowing I had this awesome rump-shaker on my backside. Don’t let anyone fool you. The booty has power! Awesome, life changing, soul-crippling powers. Use that to your advantage.

Now, onto why skinny guys love big butts and they can not lie. If you are a dude and you 6'5" and a buck-fitty, think about what happens if you are banging a chick that is 5'6" and a buck-oh-five. All those bones and angles crashing together... that sex probably sounds like when you run a key across a birdcage. Does that sound hot to you? Yeah, me either. And I am not even a dude, so imagine trying to stick your bone into a chick and then your hips are banging together... that shit just sounds painful. I am rubbing my hips in pain just imagining it. Next, think about this, you gorgeous, ass-tastic, woman: you got your skinny man taking you to pound-town, doggy style, fucking you like it’s his job and he’s picking up a pay check on Friday. If you are like me and you like a little slap with your tickle, imagine how good it feels to him to smack his bitch up and watch that ass react. Conversely, if he is committing some bone-on-bone crime (i.e. when two skinny people fuck) and he goes to tag that ass and when he hits it and almost breaks his hand ‘cus there is nothing to cushion the pushin’.... well, I think you know where I am going with all of this. Just let those two visuals swim around in your brain space. I think it would become pretty obvious why your thick milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Here’s one more thing to think about when wondering why men, not just the skinny ones, likes them a girl that has a booty that she can make clap. When you go to a restaurant and order a steak, would you want them to bring you a big, juicy, 22oz porterhouse or just the raggedy-ass leftover T-Bone with a few shavings of meat and gristle on it? Me, I am going to chomp down on that juicy meat and let the juices dribble down my chin so I can lick them up later. Meat and assess (to me at least) are just like life; the fuller, the juicier, the better.

Before any of my skinny friends go get their g-strings in a bunch, let me make this VERY clear. I love all shapes and sizes of people. I think there is beauty to be found in everyone and everything. What frustrates me is all the haters in the world hating on people for this or that. Whether you are fat, skinny, yellow, brown, tall, short or what the fuck ever, DO YOU. All day, every day. Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t beautiful, because I promise someone out there thinks you are. Unless you are just fucking fugly, so fugly that your momma had to tie that T-Bone I was talking about earlier around your neck to get the dog to play with you. That shit is just unfortunate. But people hating on other people for the way look leads people (especially women) to do this:

And I guarantee almost NO ONE wants to fuck this. Well, I can think of one person. His name rhymes with “Hey Thunder.”

So, to my my bodacious-booty-brethren, tonight you need to get your outfit on, your hair looking right and go out and shake that big ol’ass for all it’s worth. And tell me where you are going to do this, ‘cus I got a Ziploc bag full of loose change and I am finna make it hail on your ass.

You're very fucking welcome. Now, it's the freaking weekend, so get some!