The 70 Year Old Virgin

The Sexational Pam! Don't judge a beauty by her stage name. The Sexational Pam's pristine, untouched pearl has never dipped into the sea of peen (File that under: Why did I write that?), but she's ready to dive in. 70-year-old British jewel Pam Shaw has been waiting until marriage to get her fresh cherry plucked, but her career as a cabaret singer kept her from love. Unlike lifetime achievement award-winning man whore Tom Jones, who The Sexational Pam opened for in the 60s, she's only kissed a man. But now that she's retired and has stepped into the non-stop sunset booze cruise phase of life, she's ready to give a fuck about fucking.

Ashton Kutcher can back the hell up, because he'll never get a chance to christen The Sexational Pam's coochie. The 70-year-old virgin is picky about who she's going to dust her pearl off for. Pam opened up to the eHarmony of British tabloids, The Sun, and told them what kind of man she's looking for and why she's the perfect catch:

“Now’s the time. I’m ready to take the plunge for the right bloke. My standards are still very high, though. I’m hoping to bag a tall, dark and handsome millionaire. I feel I am ready to give marriage a go and maybe go to bed with a man. You are never too old for anything. Just look at Joan Collins. I may be 70 but I’m young at heart. People can’t believe it when I tell them my age. I think I look great, maybe because I’ve never been married or had kids. I’m fun and have bundles of energy.”

Any virgin beauty who counts Joan Collins as one of her idols is an idol of mine. Grab the KY and get the peen, Pam!