The "Friendzone" - A Call for Help

"One of our Chivettes, Ashley, has been best friends with a Chiver for a long time but recent events have changed things. Now their friendship is at stake because the boy's hesitation to be more than friends. I'll let Ashley take it from here:

Alright, Chive, here's the deal. I've been in love with the same guy for 8 years now and after all this time he finally confessed his love for me a few days ago. He was my first real boyfriend, we lost our "you-know-whats" together, we go on these amazing dates every time he's in town, and we talk to each other literally all day every day.

Now, instead of trying to date again me or marry me or whatever, he's letting his fear of relationships get in the way. He'd rather keep the relationship we have now than risk us actually dating and getting into a huge fight and losing it all. This, my good sir, is a problem. I don't know whether to give up and try to find someone else or to stick around and hope that one day he'll get it through his thick skull how badly I would fight every day to make an actual relationship with him as perfect as possible.

You'd think he'd realize that after 8 years there's nothing he could do to make me run away; but no, he doesn't want to "deal with the fights, worry, heartbreak, and depression." Point being, he's a very loyal Chiver. Checks it everyday if not twice. maybe with your help and the help of other chivers, we can give him a little push.. because i'm too awesome to pass up.. but ill let you be the judge of that."

via - The Chive


A fan sent me this link and asked if I could give my two cents on this situation. After reading what the fuck was going on, it was an absolute fucking must that I respond. Why? Not because I care, but because I need to point out what America is fucking thinking. So enough with the goddamn small talk, lets dissect the shit out of this mother fucking situation that has been presented to us.

FACT: This broad is fine. I'd fuck her into a coma then fuck her while she was IN a goddamn coma. Hell, I'd probably toss her salad with syrup too. Fuck that, if she took a shower, I'd toss that shit with no syrup, jelly, jam or ranch fucking dressing. No Betty Crocker bullshit up in here. Did you see this bitch in yoga pants? Her ass was the business y'all. Anyway, here's a girl that's in mad love with some dude she's been jocking for 8 years. 8 fucking years!!! Who in God's name would be in love with a mother fucker for so goddamn long and still be in the "friendzone"? Who mother fucker, who? You know who? Ugly mother fuckers. There's only one problem - this bitch ain't ugly. With that being said, we have ourselves a goddamn problem, don't we?

What's the problem with this dude? Shit, what's the problem with this broad? Here's my analysis:

1) Dude is gay. Straight up...this mother fucker gots to be gay. Ain't no bitch this fine, who's been jocking a dude for 8 years gonna be shot down. EVER. Congratufuckinglations that you two popped each others cherries. Bravo that y'all talk every fucking day like them bitches from Sex in the Go Fuck Yourself. Round of applause that your dates are amazing...they probably consist of mani/pedi's with a side of shopping at Neiman fucking Marcus. I'm a guy, and every dude that is a fucking dude out there in this goddamn world knows...if a fine bitch that you boned is jocking you, you need to jump on that shit and put that pussy on a pedestal. Real talk. But this dude...he's not even attempting to reciprocate...AT ALL. He's using piss poor excuses to be with her because he doesn't want to "deal with the fights, worry, heartbreak, and depression." Tell me what fucking man says that to a woman? No man I fucking know. Maybe I'm just a asshole and would fuck this girl before I took off her clothes. Who knows. All I know is that this guy might just like her for the deep convo's and amazing shopping sprees. Moving the fuck on.

2) This bitch is cray-cray. Hey, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. If there is one thing women are good at, it's being fucking crazy. Like some Fatal Attraction bullshit. No sane broad I know jocks a guy for 8 goddamn years without having a fucking screw loose somewhere. Fuck that. You know what liking someone for 8 years is called? S-T-A-L-K-E-R. How do I know? I have a few of these stalker ass bitches following my ass right this goddamn minute...that's how I fucking know. So what this guy stretched out your vagina? Bitch, get over it. Dudes love pussy. Even if that pussy was so loose it was like throwing a hot dog in a hallway. True story. Vagina is a man's kryptonite. Especially beautiful vagina like this chicks. But see what happens when you pop cherries? Bitches be stalking you for 8 goddamn years and will never let the fuck up. Amen.

3) Someone got a secret and it's called H-E-R-P-E-S. The gift that keeps on giving. I've never had an STD in my life but I will tell you this - if I knew a girl liked me for 8 years and I was shooting flames out my dick, I'd probably find every excuse in the goddamn book not to be with her too. Even if it hurt like a mother fucker not to say anything. Now, this doesn't mean the dude ain't fucking other bitches. I mean, people are shady these days and will go fuck random strangers without saying anything. That's what he's probably doing since these random skanks don't mean shit to him. Is it a dick move on his part? Hell fucking yeah it is but remember, it take two to fucking tango. I'm a fan of raw doggin' the shit out of the pootie, so if you ain't packing jimmy caps and there is no concern of "safe sex" other than the "pull out" method, consider someone fucked. Literally AND figuratively. Any questions?

4) The sex and everything along with it, just ain't the business. Look, I've met someone beautiful ass women in my day. And honestly, just because a bitch is fine as fuck doesn't mean she's an automatic, great lay, great kisser and can suck a dick like a porn star. You'd be surprised how many fine ladies there are in this world that don't know how to do any of this shit. Things happen you know. For instance - her snatch might smell like a dumpster filled with 8 year old chow mein and gouda cheese. She kisses like bum who just tasted ice cream for the first time in over a decade. She sucks cock like she's opening up a can of Dennison's Chili. She fucks like she's dead...meaning, she ain't really fucking but thinks she's fucking. One false move in any of these categories - TURN OFF. Don't care how bomb your ass is looking. If you can't come through physically, you mine as well go run in front of a moving bus...or just have your friend push you down a goddamn flight of stairs. Cunt.

5) He's fucking her friend. There's a good chance Romeo over here is fucking other bitches too...that's a no-brainer. But a friend, let alone, her best friend? Aaaaaahhhh shit, son. That's dirty. Well, to her it's dirty. To him...just another day in Fuck City. Ladies, know this about men - if ever they are presented with sex...whether it be with someone you know who is a relative or friend...men will fuck them. Why? Because we love pussy AND the chick who has given them this golden opportunity has no care in the world about your feelings at that moment in time. Hey, men aren't the only shady mother fuckers in this world. Bitches are shady too...they're just smarter when it comes time to being a two-faced cunt. If this is the case, and this broad Ashley doesn't see it, then well...Ashley is just another stupid bitch that doesn't deserve a man. Only because she doesn't think how men and women think. Especially us shady mother fuckers. Now that doesn't mean she has to be all insecure and shit...fuck all that noise. She just needs to know how men think and actually fucking operate. Because dudes that throw out shitty excuses but go on "amazing dates" and "talk every day", are hiding something. Something "good enough" to keep a broad unaware of what the fuck is really going on. If that ain't the truth then maybe you can go fuck yourself too.

So there you have it fans. My two cents on why this bitch Ashley has wasted 8 fucking years of her goddamn life on this so-called "soul mate" or whatever the fuck you want to call his sorry ass. Then again, any chick who wastes 8 years being in love with someone who isn't planning to be fully committed is just being played by the Puppet Master. Well played mother fucker...well fucking played.

I'm out.