Advice Column: The Ultimate Revenge

Dear CREW,

Hey, was wondering if you could help me out with some ideas of revenge for my ex of 3 years. I broke up with him the day after Christmas and he hasn't left me alone since. He has a page on facebook with a couple other guys called "she wants the dick" and they all harass me. They have posted my phone number so much I had to change it, then he found that one and they are calling every night again. He called my mother who is deathly ill and told her I was addicted to crystal meth...I could go on about the fucked up shit this little bitch has done, but I think you get the point. Help me think of some good ways to get back at him?

Thanks,
Blondie


Dear Blondie,

Three expert opinions. Grab some fucking paper and something to fucking write with...time to learn a thing or three. You're welcome.


H-Bomb:
These are some things that have worked for me in the past. Now, I am not a 'slash your tire' kind of crazy bitch. I am a, make you fucking beg for mercy kind of spiteful person. Hell may hath no fury like a woman scorned, but hell ain't got shit on a scorned H-Bomb. Obviously, this guy still has some kind of lingering feelings for you or is a raging sociopath. Either way, this fucker needs to be taught a lesson.

1) Quid Pro Quo, mother-fucker, as I always say. So this guy wants to start a FB page about you? Start one about him called "no one wants this little dick" and post pics of tiny peckers and tag him and his friends. In all of them. Sure, you are probably going to get banned a few times from FB and have to keep changing email address, but maybe when you start fighting fire with fire, he might cool off.

2) Hit him where it hurts. When I found out that my ex of several years was cheating on me I went out and I got drunk. And he paid for it. With our joint credit card. And then I went shopping. With our joint credit card. And then I went out again, and again and again. And when I felt I was sufficiently compensated for my time and effort (and right before our billing cycle ended) I called the credit card companies and tearfully removed my self from all the accounts, claiming the break up was so devastating and that I couldn't even talk to him long enough to get him to call and verify all of this. So they took me off and a few weeks later he got all the credit card bills. He asked me how I could spend $3000 in one day, so I asked him how he could keep sticking his dick in other people? The moral of the story? He had to take out a loan from his parents to pay off my expenditures.

3) Fuck him. Literally. Like I said, I still think he wants you back or is harboring some feelings for you. So get yourself good and fucked up. What time is it? Roofie Colada time. Once you are good and drunk, call him, profess your love, blah blah blah. Offer him your goods, and by goods I mean your vagina. I am almost certain that he is down to pound, so make him thinks he is going to get it. Meet up with him and his boys and then go fuck one his boys and make sure he can either a) hear you or b) see you. And if it is one of those boys that is also helping him fuck with you, make sure you tell everyone that he couldn't even get his 2 inches hard enough to fuck your ear hole, let alone your actual clamburger.

And if that shit doesn't work, set some shit on fire. That usually helps me clear my thoughts.


L-Train:
Why did you wait until the day after Christmas to break up with him? Did you break up with him because he got you a shitty gift or no gift at all? Did he give you a box of those vag wipes? Did you need them?? Are you one of those women that decides the fate of a relationship on some stupid shit like what he buys you? I could see how that would piss a brother off. Whatever the reasons for the break-up, there’s one thing I know for sure: your boy is TRIPPIN’. The way I see it, Blondie, you have a couple of options. There are obviously many options, but the ones that would feel the best to you are probably illegal and will land you in a jail cell with Skaggie Maggie the Tweeting Prostitute, or worse. I have a few favorites. They both require cooperation and a vow of absolute silence from your closest group of guy friends. Once they hear the plan, they won’t ever want it to leave the circle anyway.

Anyone who grew up in a real neighborhood (not a subdivision) and did their share of scrapping knows there is no better remedy for a trippin’ psycho than a good beatdown. A good, old-fashioned blanket party, if executed correctly, leaves an impression that lasts a lifetime. It also provides immediate insulation from retaliation and a certain amount of anonymity, which is good because the kind of lame-o who spits his shit lip on a Facebook page is the same kind of lame-o who will have your avenged ass arrested and incarcerated. I think jail time cancels out the victory, but I could be wrong about that shit. Maybe it’s worth it to you, but I am too pretty for prison. Back to the point. The properly executed blanket party is very poetic and beautiful: You catch dude unawares, drop a blanket over his head and beat the living shit out of him. See? Poetry. I have a friend (sorry, Joey, but I’m putting your shit on blast right now) who always claimed he was so aware of his surroundings and such a ninja that nobody could ever pull off the blanket party. We decided Joey was dead wrong about that. We practiced a few times with my Dad who, 3 years later, still cries about a “bruised tailbone” and “something wrong with his elbow.” Sorry, Dad, but maybe you should stop telling everyone that you’re “a young 74”. And you were all too willing to roll around on the ground with three of my friends. Again, back to the point.With the cooperation of our boyfriends who were chilling at Joey’s house watching football on a Sunday afternoon, me and THREE OTHER GIRLS posted up in his backyard and waited for him to come outside to throw some steaks on the grill. We charged him, used the blanket to clothesline him and knock him off his feet, Big Girl sat on him to hold him down and we beat the shit outta that guy with a pillowcase of wet sponges. We didn’t hurt him, but he was soaking wet and so pissed off that he grabbed the steaks off the grill with his bare hands and started launching them like the wrong kind of beef missiles. Again, he wasn’t hurt, but we sure got our point across. You could try this with your girlfriends, but it’s a risky venture. When hurt feelings are involved, there’s usually some anger. Things could turn really ugly really quickly. If you have your boys help you out, make sure they know to scare the shit out of him but not hurt him. We’re not trying to send you to jail in this bitch, just get you some ice cold revenge.

(Note: The Ghetto Genius and his crew do not condone any form of physical violence. These suggestions are for entertainment purposes only. And you KNOW you’re entertained.)

The other option is the ultimate poetic justice, IMHO. I think you take H-Bomb’s Roofie Colada to the next level. Here’s how: Get that douchetard so wasted, he doesn’t remember his own name. Boink him if you wish, but make sure he is good and passed out. Get your boys to take pics with their junk in, on and around his mouth. If they’re really good friends, let them all “finish” on his face. Circle muy jerk-o, all up in this bitch. Take pictures - LOTS of pictures - and email him 3 or 4 of your favorites – preferably one or more with a little baby batter on his lips. Tell him the Facebook gangster bullshit stops or the next thing he sees blowing up his newsfeed is your new photo album. The thing is, dude took it to this level. He put your personal shit on Facebook like a puss (although there are about 2 dozen pages with some form of “she wants the dick” in the name, one of them has only 2 likers and I bet that’s him), got his sissy friends to harass you, gave the world your phone number and brought your mom into shit. He couldn’t possibly think he was going to get away with it. He must not know you get your advice from the Ghetto Genius? Go ‘head and handle that.


J-Wunder: 
I'm gonna be fucking real. These bitches up top ^^^^^ are fucking funny as fucking shit. And they are crazy. Why do you think I have them as my contributors? Because I wouldn't want to fuck with them. EVER. Ok, I would FUCK them, just not fuck WITH them. You feel me?

Aight...I'll be short because these fine ladies have basically given you amazing ammo to fuck over Little Dick Magee so bad that he'll probably end up moving out of the country to be the next poor bastard you see at Donkey Shows in Tijuana. Real talk. Anyway, if there is one thing I could offer that you need to do, it's this:

You need to find a hot looking broad with herpes to fuck him. You're probably thinking, "Whoa J-Wun...herpes is the gift that keeps on giving. Is that possible?" Bitch, yes it's possible and if you hate this mother fucker as much as you say you do, do this shit. Trust me. Why? Because I pulled this shit on an ex that thought fucking 3 of my friends was cool and I wouldn't find out. Little did she know...I find out EVERYTHING. Guys can't hold secrets for shit. Why do you think we say, "Bro's before Hoe's"? Cold-blooded on my part? Absolutely. Well deserved on hers? Hell mother fucking yes. Bitch comes with a disclaimer for every dude she meets now. WINNING.

You're probably thinking, "Where am I gonna find a chick with the herp to fuck my ex?" Bitch, you got friends. Friends that you and I both know have an STD...especially the herp. Truth be told, 1 out of like every 7 friends or some bullshit like that, has something wrong with their in-between. That shit was never me so get your mind right and stop wondering if I've ever had dick cheese, cunt. All you need to do is ask around because chicks know secrets about other chicks and if there is one thing they know, it's which bitch is shooting flames out of their pussy when they pee. Once you find out who the lucky vag is, you hit her up...tell her you know a guy that might be into her. Set that shit up like a blind date gone RIGHT. If shit works out and they end up meeting, you know there's a good chance they're gonna be fucking. Because lets be honest...a bitch that got the herp is no goddamn angel. And don't give me some shit like good girls can get the herp too. Fuck that. Good girls don't go fuck dirty dudes. If a broad has the herp, then she likes to fuck...anything and EVERYONE (am I being a judgmental asshole? yes...yes I am). And as for your boy...well, he sounds like a dude that loves to raw dog like a mother fucker. Once he fucks Herps Montana, I guarantee this will be the last person he raws dogs again. Trust me.

That's about it, bitch. You got some ideas now, so go put that shit to work. Do not disappoint and for the love of all things fucking holy...make us proud fucker.

One love,

The CREW