Win a Date with OG

As I have stated previously, we here at ITMOAGG are not only funny fuckers, but we are a bunch of goddamn humanitarians. That is why we dispense the awesome advice directly from our disturbed, genius brains right to your desperately waiting eye holes. I was reading some of the old columns and I noticed that almost all of the advice that is given is of the relationship nature. With that realization, my little thoughtsicles got all tweeky and I swear to God (I may have been drunk when I came up with this idea, so I am pretty sure I could have been talking to some “God”) a fucking light bulb went off above my head. What if we featured our readers and kind of started an ITMAOAGG dating thing?? I don’t want to call it a “service” because we are not charging for what we do. While we are all a bunch of pimps, we keep our pimping on the streets, not on the internets. Putting roses on the profile symbolizing how much that trick in the window costs, well that kind of shit is for the desperate fucktards on Craigslist. No, ours is a "service" that is way more refined and classy. You submit to us a brief profile, a photo and some details and we will in turn, write you an amazing profile. We will post that shit on the blog and surely you will get your dick sucked or your pussy licked once we have talked you up. And if we don’t get it done? Well that shit was free and I can at least guarantee that someone will fap to your photo. Ok, I can’t really guarantee that, either. What I can guarantee is that we will laugh our fucking asses off, and that’s really all I want most days. So, if you get no snatch from Match.com, think E-Harmony can go E-Fuck itself or think Plenty of Fish smells like a bucket of fish, then send us your deets, a pic from this decade, taken at some what close range and what you are looking for in another human. And yes, we are currently only doing human-human connections. Maybe one day we can go interspecies, but I don’t know too many goats that can read, you sick fucks.

With out further adieu, I introduce to the blogosphere our first victim. I mean client. Yes, we will keep it “professional” and call you all clients.

Please allow me to introduce you to OG. I call him OG because those are actually his initials and he has been called the "Gangster of Love."

Here are his vitals:

Male looking for Female. Must have been born a female too, no dickswitcheroosies for this guy.

Age - 35, but acts 14. In a good way.

Height - 5‘10“, doesn’t wear lifts or those gay ass Antonio Banderas shoes that add inches and look like lady boots.

Weight - Big enough that he won’t snap in half when you are riding him and small enough that he doesn’t have a dick awning.

Hair Color - Black and still has all his original hair. He never had to get any plugs or ass hair transplants. His father still has his hair too, so it's not going anywhere anytime soon.

Eyes - Brown and has both of them. No eye patches or glass eye balls. Also has all of his original teeth.

Marital Status - Divorced and not bitter about it. Really.

Kids - None, and no pesky child support or alimony payments to take away from your bar-tabs and dinners at the Melting Pot.

Profession - Has one, and a good one at that.

College - It’s all about the U. He can tolerate someone who went to FSU or UF, but you had better be good at sucking dick and being quiet during football games.

Current location - Your dreams, but geographically, in the South. If you pass a crazy test (administered by me) then you get more details. If you don’t pass the crazy test, I give you J-Wunder’s address. He fucking loves crazy bitches.

People are probably wondering why I would be the one administering the crazy test and know so much about this person. Well, this particular candidate holds a special place in my heart. You see, OG is none other than my big brother. I am putting him out there like this as a way to pass along the trickle down crazy that has been coming my way for the last couple of years. Our parents have been on my ass to settle down and get married for some time now, because I am the only one in the fam who has not gotten married OR produced an off-spring. Both my brothers (there is another older brother, but he is engaged and has 3 kids, so he is out of the equation) have done one, the other or both and have had a pass on this type of Chinese water torture for a while. At this point in my life, marriage and kids are not an option, but my parents don’t seem to agree with my decision and have been a giant fucking pain in the vag about it. Being the hellacious, bratty little sister I have always been (Damien doesn’t have shit on my past shenanigans- trust) I am trying to pimp my brother out in the hopes that I can shift the trickle down crazy over to him. If I can get him a serious girlfriend who could maybe even be wife and mother material, I can go back to shoe shopping with out abandon and taking awesomesauce vacations, instead of thinking about dirty diapers and how sex disappears from your life once you get married. Fuck all that noise and hand me my Chablis, please.

Are you wondering why on earth this awesome guy - and he is awesome. I am not just saying that because he is my brother - is single. Well, there is one thing that I need to mention. He does have one fatal flaw. If there is a gold-digging-stripper-whore within a 50 miles radius, they will find him, seek him out, flash the dollar sign eyes and try to sink their hooks in him. And for some reason he falls for this shit. Every. Single. Time. Stripper Skanks are his Krytponite. Ironically, he is fucking brilliant; like Good Will Hunting brilliant, but his instincts with women are atrocious. For example, his Ex-Wife is a Carnie. Seriously. I can’t make that shit up and I am probably going to get my ass beat the next time he sees me, but that is the risk I am willing to take to find him a nice, non-whore-bag-cum-dumpster of a lady to bring home for holidays.

I could go on and say he is a nun-chuck toting, ass whooping, bad ass motherfucker. He is, except he doesn't have the nun-chucks, anymore. But there is more to OG than pretty boy looks and a bad-ass attitude. Allow me to expound.

If you want to laugh, this is your guy. He is a funny fucker; it’s genetic. In our friend’s yearbook he wrote this inscription, “Deep Thoughts, by OG. Sometimes when you are riding a bike, don’t you wish you were riding something else?” I mean, what kind of 13 year old writes that kind of shit in his friend’s yearbook? A funny ass bastard, that’s who. He will make you laugh so hard you will pee your pants. But he is a nice guy, so he will probably buy you new pants.

Have you been with a bunch of fuckers who were dishonest and lying sacks of shit? OG brings the honesty in spades. One night I was getting ready to go out with my friends, and I asked my brother if the dress I was wearing made me look fat. He said “No, the fat makes you look fat” and left the room. Side note, he wasn’t actually being mean. There was one year where I really got porky - I was working in an ice-cream shop and sampling all the goods, so I had put on some pounds. He was just telling me like it is and I am thankful that he had the balls to say that to both of my faces.

Are you bored with talking to guys who have the intelligence of Rainman? I already mentioned, he is smart. Genius level. When he was 10, his skills with the maths were tested and he tested at some fucking ridiculous level and every one oooh’d and ahhhh’d over my genius, big brother. But that fucker can’t spell to save his life. It’s actually really funny. I think he goes by OG because he can’t actually spell his own name. But on the real tip, he is really fucking smart. Clever, witty and sharp. So, if you don’t have the brain game going you might want to go back to your coloring book until something less mentally taxing comes around.

Is your last BF a deadbeat shit-head who smokes all your weed and drinks all your 40‘s? Not this dude. He is a savvy ass businessman who makes his own skrilla. He has opened and run several successful businesses in the last 10 years. He is hard working, good at the maths and knows what to do to get shit done. He once hired me to be his Office Manager and I spent 9 months of my life working side by side with him, seeing him in action and he is fucking amazeballs. I also spent that 9 months drinking at a bar in a bowling alley, fucking his business partner and most of his employees. He had to fire me. See? He is a fucking great businessman!

Could you not get the last guy to buy you a fucking hot dog? That won’t be your problem if you hit up the OG. This guy is one of the most generous people I know. I am not at liberty to discuss our financial dealings, but let’s just say I can’t die any time soon because I am in debt to OG, and have been since he bought me and my friends 6 Rolling Stones tickets in 1998. I have yet to pay him back for that...and about 72,546 other times he has given me money or helped me out of a jam. He usually always pays for my dinner, even now that I am making the dolla dolla bills, and he never makes me feel like an ass about it. Oh, and if you are reading this, OG, that check is in the mail. Post dated for 12/22/12.

Do you like to be wined and dined and go to exotic places? Well this fucker has been to Mexico AND the Bahamas. Don’t act like you didn’t get a little fondue in your panties over that. He knows that bitches need vacations and to go nice places and he’s not afraid to take his lady piece somewhere nice. Like to the Sizzler and then on a Cruise. And that's real.



With all that being said, he is the real deal. He is a good guy, makes good money, according to my friends is good looking (I still see a 13 year old with a mullet), is a pretty fucking cool dude and as you can see from the pic above doesn't have a back hair situation. Oh, and he is secure enough with himself to let me do this, so you know he can laugh at himself and is a good sport about shit.

Ladies, if you are between the ages of 27 and 27, not a stripper (sorry ladies, no pole girls), have a job, your shit together and live somewhere in the South, drop us a line and let me introduce you to this gentleman. I promise he won’t donkey punch you until the second date. However, I must warn you now. Last year at a convention (he works for Dad’s company and they have an annual convention in FL, where I live) he and I allegedly had eleventy-nine drinks and I got him to sign a contract stating that he wouldn’t marry another woman with out my permission. Yes, it was on a cocktail napkin from the bar, but that shit is admissible in court. So, if you are thinking about bringing it, you had better fucking bring it. I have seen the bus stop skanks that have tried to lock him down before and that’s not going to fly with me. Send a pic too, because if you are 350 lbs or look like you put your make up on with a brick in the dark, then I am going to have say “no thanks,” I don’t care how fanfuckingtastic your personality is.

Holla at your girl if you want to holla at my brother. If you want to have us write you up, holla, holla, holla.

Oh, and if you fap to my brother’s picture I am going to falcon punch you, you dirty fucking hooker. Just kidding. He would love to know if you did. He is a dirty fucker, too. It’s also genetic.

Bring it, bitches.