St. Panties Day Massacre

No it's not a typo. The title of this column is exactly what it says - ST. PANTIES DAY MASSACRE.

People, what I'm about to tell you is something, I, The RINGER, could only tell. If you haven't noticed, weird shit only happens to me. Not because I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time, but because honestly, I do this shit to myself. Just ask our fearless leader, J-Wunder. Who in fact, laughed at my sorry ass this past weekend because he's a fucking dickface. Hear that J-Wun...I'm calling you a fucking dickface. Dickface. Sorry bro, don't cut me.

500 people crowded into one bar. Some drunk. Some wiggity wasted. Some blacked the fuck out. Myself? Well, I was borderline dead. As in, no longer living. What turned out as a day of celebrating Irish whateverthefuckitis, ended up being what I like to call, "EPIC".

If there is one thing you need to know about me is that I don't give a fuck. About anything. If I am ever challenged, I will ALWAYS accept that challenge then fuck you in the face with it. Take March 17, 2012 for example:

My boys thought it would be fucking hilarious for me to get on top of the bar, quiet the crowd and request something from the ladies. What that request was, was up to me. All I had to do was get the fucking energy to hop on the fucking bar and yell some shit out to 499 other drunk motherfuckers. So I did...

ME: "Excuse me mates (why the fuck I tried to sound Australian beats the shit out of me). How you fucking fucks doing in this bitch?! I know I don't look Irish and I'm pretty fucked up right now, but you know what? You donkey fucks are fucking drunk too, so don't fucking judge. I forgot what the hell I was gonna say. Oh yeah...the reason why I'm standing up on this here bar about to get my ass kicked, is because I wanted to ask all of you ladies...even you fucking god awful ugly ones who will probably get cuter by the time I finish this car bomb…I want your panties. Now, like Mardi Gras, I am starting a new fucking revolution bitches. It's called St. Panties Day. True story sluts. All I ask to celebrate this joyous new occasion along with St. Patrick's Day is that all you ladies give me your panties so I can put them around my neck as a homage to every man, known to man...even fucking Jesus who was a holy fucking dude. So who is in?"

It was at that point I knew I said some shit that was either going to get me fucking killed, or get me fucking laid. Then it happened...

*SILENCE* *LAUGHTER* *A COUPLE OF "FUCK YOU DOUCHEBAG's"* THEN...

The first pair of thongs thrown in my direction. Then another. And another. And another. Shit started flying from every goddamn direction. Bitches were straight making it rain panties...even them fat ass bitches. It was like some motherfucker blew up Victoria’s Secret inside this goddamn bar. My boys were floored and I just sat there holding my fucking cock like that shit was 20 inches long and thick as a goddamn oak tree. Straight up. And if this day couldn’t get any better, it did.

What starting off as a ridiculous fucking request, practically turned into a drunk orgy. I realized any woman willing to take off their panties and give them to a goddamn stranger was down to get down. Because of that, I was covered in every piece of pussy that place had to offer. Hot ones, fat ones, anorexic ones, smelly ones, "holy shit" ones, "sign me up for that" ones...it got to the point where I felt famous almost. Invincible actually.

Girl after girl, I made out with those drunk bitches like I was going through food samples at Costco. A little kiss here, some grab ass over there, some titty-a-la-mode up in this shit...a few games of tug and pull like it was nothing. Then came that awkward moment as I was heading to the bathroom...

She was a Ginger. Hot as a bare vagina with a day old waxing (because day of, we all know that shit is swollen and looks like a fucking cantaloupe). She followed me to the pisser only to whisper those sweet words: "I want to suck your cock pantie boy." I took one drunk ass look at her, grabbed her by the ass cheeks and pushed her into the bathroom headed towards the handicap stall. At first it was awkward because 3 dudes were in the other stalls taking a fat ass shit from way too much fucking Guiness, but once we got past that point, I locked the bathroom door behind me, unzipped my pants, whipped out my fucking schlong and Strawberry Short Tits went to town. It was blowjob fucking heaven people. It was like this broad was sucking a golf ball through a garden hose. In and out, up and down, Ginger Spice was about to make me o-face with the fucking quickness. But with that quickness came a goddamn consequence I thought I would never ever fucking believe.

"Baby, I'm gonna cum all up in your mizzle. You ready? You fucking ready for a cumsicle baby?" Prepare for blast off in 3, 2, 1...BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! I came sooooooo fucking hard that I thought I blew off this bitches head! I started to convulse and do the Harlem Shake while my dick was still in her mouth, then suddenly I fucking felt something...something warm and thick. Oh shit...no way. No fucking way. Mother fucking shit, no way?!

PUKE...this bitch started puking all over my cock, jeans and shoes. Mixed that in with probably what felt like 6 gallons of jizz in her mouth...what came from the depths of her inner linings looked like the inside of a goddamn dead corpse. I'm almost fucking positive she must have eaten Fettucini Alfredo at the Olive Garden because for some fucked up reason, I saw about a pound of noodles pitter pattering against my cock along with that zesty white sauce which by the way didn't resemble my cum. AT ALL. Don't ask me how I fucking know, I just fucking do assholes. But what's worse about this incident wasn't that Ginger McPuke was blowing chow all over my wank-diesel...oh, hell no. It's what happened 2 minutes later...

Realizing I had felt what was like one weeks worth of fucking puke on the lower half of my body, I became fucking ill. Not because of the rancid fucking smell or the scene of the crime, but because my fucking dick looked like it was dipped in a bucket of WHATTHEFUCK and was about to be fed to the goddamn sharks. Disgusted by this, I did the only thing one man could do who was covered in puke from the waist down...I puked right back on this bitch. All over the top of her fucking head. I was drinking since 7am. I swear on my gardener Jesus, I had at least 25 pints of Guinness, 10 Car Bombs and a shit ton of fried food that would make a fat man cum for 3 days straight. It was like a waterfall of puke all over this bitch. It was worse then the scene from Stand by Me when "Lard Ass" was in that pie eating contest. A sexual encounter gone horribly wrong. Two peeps covered in so much puke that one of the guys in the shitter next to us starting puking all over himself. I'm almost certain.

The worst part about all of this was what Ginger McFucked said after the puking subsided. She said and I quote, "I'm so sorry, but your cum tasted like beer and it surprised me. I'm so damn embarrassed." My cum tasted like beer? Really? And that's a bad thing? Bitch, I saw you take 3 car bombs while I was saying my speech to all the other bitches. You beer bonged at least 3 pints of Guinness like a champ. And it surprised you that my cum tasted like beer? Get the fuck outta here with that shit. I took one look at her, put my hand on her puke infested face and said, "Ginger, the way my cum tasted should be the least of your concern. You should worry about walking out of this bathroom and explaining to 498 other folks why it looks like an elephant took a shit all over you. I'm not sorry my cum tasted like wholesome goodness. You should take the back door, go home and clean yourself up. I'll be fine here."

She didn't say anything after that. She got up, puke all over her drunk ass self and bounced to never be seen again that day. What was a good idea ended up being a great idea. Not because my dick had throw up all over it, but because I came to the realization that if you drink ENOUGH beer, your cum will tastes like it. That shit is fucking awesome as fuck! Beer me motherfuckers!

Another one in the books for Mr. RING-A-DINGER.