Advice Column: 85% Lesbian with Exception

Dear Crew,

Ok so I'm about 85% lesbian, a fact that I'm very comfortable with. The remaining 15% is not straight per se, but really enjoys penetration and hates strap on sex. Most of my relationships with men tend to not progress past the close friends stage, but I am looking to have children at some point and really don't want to have to go through all this second parent adoption, legal hurdle bullshit. I haven't been in a relationship in 3 years. but am looking to get into a relationship so long as my partner is ok with one thing ( I am open to a male or female partner): in my opinion fidelity is about love not sex. I honestly don't care who my partner sleeps with as long as they protect themselves and don't form romantic attachments to the people they sleep with. But it is hard to go out and meet people who are ok with this kind of arrangement, and even harder to be up front about it in the "getting to know you" phase of a new relationship. Some people freak out, others get too preoccupied with the new freedom and forget about the fact that building a good relationship is about more than sex. Advice on seeking a partner who can handle the openness and still be committed to building a life and emotional/romantic relationship? Btw I'm 27.

Sincerely,
An Ethical Slut



Dear Ethical Slut,

I noticed your email was addressed to "The Crew" and it had me thinking, "Should we do a collaboration on this mother fucking question? Shit yeah we fucking should!" So enough with the bullshit talk, sweet pussy willow...you have a problem that needs a goddamn solution. That's why I've asked  L-Train and H-Bomb to help your boy, J-Wunder, out on finding you an answer from our fucking points of view. 1 question...3 different answers. If you can't find a goddamn solution to whatever the fuck you just asked, then maybe you might need to run in front of a bus during rush hour. Sorry, that was harsh. Jump off a building instead. Sorry, that was pretty bad too. Where was I? Oh, yeah, read this fucking shit and take notes. Check it.


L-Train: I’m with you on the no strap-on thing. I’m not a lesbo, but latex dong is not the same as the IRL Tubesteakasaurus of which I am a huge fan. I don’t really get the whole emotional monogamy thing, though. Wouldn’t you rather your partner vomit their stupid feelings all over someone else and just bring the boning home to you? I don’t want to know how Sam’s wang or Samantha’s cooch tastes, and you can’t really taste feelings, can you? I believe you when you say that it’s hard to find people who are okay with this kind of “arrangement”. You know why? Because it’s a little bit fucking weird.

I think you better decide if you like licking the box or swallowing the sword before you take things any further. If you decide chicks are 99% your thing, you can always find some random to blow a load on your belly and help you inseminate yourself with a turkey baster. Make sure that fucker’s clean, though. The random, not the turkey baster. There’s nothing sadder than a pregnant chick with the herp....who's fucking lesbo. If you determine that you’d rather spin on the meat stick for the rest of your life, your problem has just solved itself. Maybe you could try one of those dating sites for polyamorists – you know, the team sport humping people? Some of those fucking weirdos might be just what you’re looking for.


H-Bomb: Here's my 2 cents. I am a person who has been know to jam on the clam as well as dig the dick and I have pondered this quandry a few times as well. While I am the exact opposite of you in being 85% dick lover and 15% a vagatarian, I have been in a very similar situation with another girl. It did not end well to say the least, because she was getting married and she was not honest with her spouse about the true nature of our "friendship" (that predated their relationship) and when he did find out he banned us from being friends of any kind, any more. The moral of that is no matter what you do, do it honestly and openly. You can't hide who you are and I guess what this ramble is boiling down to is that you need to understand that you may not always find "true love" or whatever hallmark sentiment you are looking for, but you may find something really close if you can make some compromises and sacrifices. But if that is not your style, let your freak flag fly and wave that thing loud and proud!

Now, onto the good shit. My best suggestion to find a life mate is to take your ass to a Swingers Club. They are everywhere, you just have to know how to find them. I have heard amazing things about this place called the "internet," they may have what you are looking for. I know, we have all heard the saying "you can't find love in a strip club" and that kind of applies here, but you are looking for a very niche lifestyle and to do that you have to go to the source. Even if you don't find your future Baby _________, you may at least find someone to kick the dust off your biscuit or meet someone who could introduce to the future Mrs. or Mr. Ethical Slut. Oh, and if you do follow my advice and find love in the Swinger's Club, I expect to at least be invited to your wedding, commitment ceremony or whatever. But I will say this, I look hella fine in a bridesmaid's dress too...I have references in that area as well.


J-Wunder: I'll make this fucking shit short and goddamn sweet. Here's what you fucking need to do Lesbo Nation - have a woman who is willing to take testosterone injections to the clit so that shit grows like a fucking penis. KA-BLAMMOOOOOO! Now you have dick (in caveman voice). Now you can fuck away Fuckey Magee. Option 2: move your ass to L.A. and go be with Brigitte Nielsen. Who's Brigitte Nielsen you ask? This is Brigitte Nielsen:

Now if this bitch doesn't spell woman with a penis, then I don't know what to tell ya. I'm sure my man Flava Flav got fucked in his ass many-a-times and liked it. What more could you ask for besides having a baby, right? Oh, and BTW: you don't want a baby...trust me, you don't want a fucking baby. How do I know? Any person that tells me "Ok so I'm about 85% lesbian, a fact that I'm very comfortable with.  The remaining 15% is not straight per se, but really enjoys penetration and hates strap on sex", needs to look themselves in the mother fucking mirror and re-evaluate what the fuck is going on in their life. You can't tell me for a fucking second that you're really convinced that you're 85% lesbo with 15% of whateverthefuck. That's like saying I'm 90% straight, but 10% of me likes to suck fucking cock on Thanksgiving and Christmas with an occasional ass pounding during Easter and Boxing Day. Shit ain't right and it's not the business my lovely balloon knot. Get your shit together.

I'm done. We're done. We're out.

Good luck with all that weird shit you got going on.

The CREW