Advice Column: House on Whore Island

Dear J,

I, along with millions of other women with sex drives, would like to know when should sex take place? There seems to be a fine line between girl to see more than once and whore. And, most women are smart enough to know sex does not equal love or a relationship. So, we are having a great first date. Here comes second date, even better. And we're horny! When can we bang?

Love,
Horny but not a Whore




Dear HBNAW,

J asked me to take this one and my first response to your query was how is this even a question? Are you under 18? Super Religious? Are you like Britney Spears and under the care of a conservator-ship and can’t be trusted to make your own decisions? If ‘none of the above’ is the answer to the aforementioned items, then it should be pretty obvious when the right time to have sex is. It is whenever the fuck you want. That is one of my most favorite things about being an alleged grown up. I can get my freak on whenever I damn well please and the only person I have to answer to about it, is me.

Call me crazy, but I am getting the feeling you need a little love and reassurance to assuage your feelings of sluttiness, so I am going to give you another sure fire way to determine whether or not it is time to bang. The next time you are out with a guy and he is giving you the sex eyes and telling you that Pride and Prejudice is his favorite book, too, politely excuse yourself and go to the ladies room. Go into a stall and pull down your panties. Take a finger and touch yourself, down there. If there is some wetness that is not pee-pee, go back out and finish whatever you're doing on your date and then casually invite him back to your place, the alley outback, a motel - wherever (I don't know your life, so I can't tell you where your best boning venue is) and then let shit get real.

I know, I know... as women, we are constantly being told that if we bang too soon we are whores, and if we wait too long, we are prudes. So what’s a girl to do when she has a raging lady boner and wants to knock boots? You knock the fucking boots, that’s what you do, then you deal with the outcome. If a guy is really into you, whether it’s been 5 minutes or 5 dates, when you bang, he is not going to think you are a whore. He is going to think you are an amazing creature sent from heaven with a chocha del oro - that’s "golden pussy" for any of you who are not bi-lingual.

On the flip, if he thinks you are whore after you have sex, more than likely it was not because you slept with him too soon, but because he pegged you for a whore long before you let him into your lady cave, and that was why he wanted to get with you in the first place. You were your own self-fulfilling prophecy of sluttiness and you both got what you wanted. So what you need to do now is swallow your Plan-B like you always do and figure out why guys think you are a gold medalist in the whore-lympics. That’s all for your to figure out, though. I don’t judge anyone for liking to make the O-Face as much as possible. Fuck it, if I wasn’t such a spoiled bitch who loves things like electricity, running water and driving my car, I would give it all up, go live under a bridge and be the most amazing homeless whore on the planet. But alas, that is not in the cards right now. I have digressed pretty far into homeless whore territory, so let’s get back to you.

Something you put in your letter made my brain scratch like a needle across a record. What planet are you living on where you think most women don't equate sex with love or a relationship? I live on earth, and here on earth most girls think if a guy slips them the dick he is also picking out china patterns and deciding who is going to be his best man. FYI - he's not. All he is thinking about is that he just blew a load and how he would like a sammich. Even if he really likes you. So what you have to be able to do is say to yourself, “Self, I just had some sex that was so hot that the paint peeled off the wall and if I never see this guy again, then so be it,” and then you actually have to be ok with it. Or, you have to be ready for this guy to start shitting with the door open, because now you have a boyfriend. Like I said before - the outcome really has nothing to do with what date you let him stuff you like an envelope, but more with everything that led up to that moment.

I think the bigger picture is not that you think this man is going to think you are easy and not call you again, it’s that you, or maybe even your friends might think you are a whore if you give it up too quickly. That is something you have to let go of and get over. And then maybe, you can get under someone who wants to get on you and who won’t think you are a whore at all, no matter how many dates it has or hasn’t been.

And now I am spent. Happy fucking, whores!