Advice Column: Bad Romance

Dear J,

I had been seeing this guy for 5 months now. I knew we were exclusive, because I already had asked that question. But I never felt that he loved me. He never said he loved me. So, after 5 months of being treated as a "friend with rare but occasional benefits", and having come to the end of the line emotionally, I asked him to define this relationship. He said "I DONT KNOW". Not in a mean way, just that he doesn’t know, that he had asked himself the same and didn't come up with an answer. I said to that, that not having an answer is an answer in itself, and that we should stay friends. Which is the right thing to do, no? Problem is, I fell in love a long time ago with him, and it hurts like a motherfucker. I wish he would change his mind. And this is why I am writing. Tell me something.

Hurt.




Dear Hurt,

Something.

Seriously, you made that too easy for me. Now that I am done with my fuckery onto the goods.

I am glad that you are feeling your first gut instinct, and not more worried about when you are going to feel this guy in your guts again, because we all know- sex can make a bitch go crazy. Riiiiiiight, you said this guy only made the sexy time with you occasionally. So, what was your first clue that he never got that loving feeling??? I am glad this guy was not a complete douchetard and didn't say something like "It's not that I don't love you, I am just not 'in love' with you" or some shit like that.

Oh, wait, he kind of did.

I guess I am the only girl who saw the movie "He is Just Not That Into You" and actually absorbed it's message. This is a classic case of that shit, and Hurt, trust me... a few years ago, I was you. I was the queen of trying to turn a friend into a boyfriend, trying to make something out of ‘ maybe.’ You know what? That shit does not work. You are better off for asking now and knowing that it isn't what you thought it was going to be, instead of say, waiting 7 years for some motherfucker to put a ring on your finger, only to find out that he moved out instead. Be glad that he had the courage to be honest-ish with you and not keep hanging onto you for sex and companionship when he knew he wasn't feeling it. You are 100% right when you said his answer was in his lack of an answer. But more importantly, his lack of physicality with you should have been, and I guess was, the blinking, honking, flashing, red warning light. Maybe? Go with me here.

Think back to all of your friends that talk about the first few months of their relationship, marriage, domestic partnership, etc... what is the first thing they would talk about. THE SEX. I know that seems base and low brow, but you are asking GG and his crew for advice, so you get what you pay for. And this shit is free and good, so listen the fuck up. I am 'bout to drop some truth on you that is going be like ripping off a band aid. It's gonna hurt like fuck at first, but in the end you will feel better.

So you say you have been dating this guy for 5 months? And you aren't boning him until one of you is walking funny and the other one is walking around like a zombie? Maybe I am just a romantic at heart, but in all of my past relationships, even the shitty ones, the beginning sex was the best part. You fuck until you are barely conscious, in the most redonkulous places you can conjure up, and everything about that person makes you want to rip their clothes off. Right?? Not to rub it in...but that is how it is SUPPOSED to be.

So, here you are. You asked the boy if he likes you or not and he says "maybe." Yes, I know he said "I don't know" but "maybe" actually sounds a little better. "I don't know" could imply that the thought never actually crossed his mind, and if that is the case, you don't need me. You really do need to spend the dollars and go see the lay down doctor. What you need to do now though, is gather all the shit you have started leaving at his house since the 2nd time you boned (I told you this might hurt) grab a shopping bag from under the counter, throw your dignity and self respect in, along with the other shit you left at his place and moon-walk the fuck out of there. Don't look back. Unless you left some shoes. Then you have to go back for them.

I have a feeling you are a smart girl who can understand the words that are coming out of my mouth, and I think deep down you know what you have to and need to do. Maybe you can salvage a friendship from this - which is actually another column unto itself - but for now you need distance and space from this dude and you need to give yourself time to heal.

The thing about time is that it is the cousin of Karma, and those two things can sometimes go hand in hand. I know this for a fact because one of my exes told me he loved me (yeah we went there)and in the same breath told me because of our very different lifestyles (he owned a bar, I am in 9-5er) it would never work out and he just "wasn't ready for a relationship." We had been friends for so long that we agreed to stay friends after this and actually managed to do just that. Flash forward a few months later, I am at his birthday party and he introduces me to his new girlfriend. They are together for a while, seem pretty much in love and all that Hallmark nonsense. One day a few months ago, I go into his bar with a group of friends and we are chatting, blah, blah, blah and he tells me that he and the GF broke up because - wait for it- she wants to go back to dating women exclusively. Yeah. She dumped his ass for the vag. Having had some ladies in my time, it seemed legit so I went with it. Two weeks later I get a status update on Facebook that my ex's ex has a new - wait for it again- boyfriend. She really dumped him for a dude, but wanted to make the hurty less, so she told him it was for a chick. Karma fucking dick slapped him. Guess who was chuckling on the inside and waiting for the next phone call?

The moral of that little story that gets awarded no points and everyone just got dumber for having read is that Karma don't play and time will actually heal. And if you give someone enough time and space, they actually might realize how awesome you are and come crawling back. I know this to be truth, because that same ex called me this past Valentine's day... just to see how I was doing, and asked if I was seeing anyone. Thanks to the lessons I learned, I was able to say "great, no one. Oh, I am sorry to hear you closed the bar" and not look back on the romance and just talk to my friend, like old times. And maybe schedule one more booty call.

I never said I was perfect, but I am pretty sure I just might be right. I walked the walk, so I can talk the talk. That's how I roll.

Now, go out and get some real dick, because it sounds like you could use a good, deep- dicking. Cheers!