To Porn or not to Porn

That is the question. That is actually the million dollar fucking question. If you ask someone if they watch/like porn you will usually get one of two responses: "FUCK YEAH!!!!!! I love porn!" or "Ewwww disgusting. Porn is gross. I would never let my (fill in the blank) watch that stuff. It is so degrading and who does that kind of stuff, anyway." And then you have to listen to a 15 minute dissertation on why porn is bad, blah, blah, fucking blah - YAWN! This is for all my porn haters.

I think for most of the people who actually don't like porn it stems from the same thing that all isms (racism, sexism, ageism, etc.) stem from - fear and lack of proper knowledge. So let me help you understand why consensual sex, captured on film, between a man, a woman and possibly a football team is fine and actually a shit ton of fun...to watch.

1) Porn is NOT dirty. Let's actually back that up a little farther. Sex is not dirty. Sex is the most fun you can legally have alone, or with someone (or many someones, hey, we don't judge here). Anyone who says otherwise is doing it wrong or with the wrong person(s). So, if sex is not dirty and porn is just sex captured on film, then porn must not be dirty, right? Are we all following along? I get that some people are repressed and have hang-ups about sex. You know...the ones that immediately shower after sex. Not because they just had the hottest, sweatiest, most jizztastic sex session ever and if they don't rinse the body fluids off their body they may stick together, but the ones that just did it missionary position and it lasted 3 minutes and now they must wash the "shame" off. Those are the ones I am referring to and in my opinion they need porn more than anyone else here. They could benefit from a little healthy sexploration.

Here's a fun porn fact: There are all different levels of porn out there. From the soft core "Erotica", to the hard core shit. Some of which even frightens me a little. Granny-trannies? Not my bag baby, but if it's yours, do your thing. Just find your niche, comfort level and get it popping.

2) Porn is not degrading. When I see a woman in the pile driver position getting fucked in the ass by some big dude, I think to myself "Goddamn, that chick is getting the business" not "Oh, I bet she feels violated." Remember earlier, when I used the word consensual? It means to give consent. As in she said "oh, you are going to fuck me in the ass today? I am OK with that" and then they did their scene. Most feminists find porn degrading because they feel it objectifies women and blah, blah, blah, again with the blahs. Everyone on that set from the stars to the fluffer is getting paid to do a job. And paid very well, I might add. Remember this if you think someone who makes porn is being exploited or degraded: every day we all go to work and some of us get fucked in the ass literally and some of us figuratively. Porn stars chose to do it openly, on-camera and sans clothes.

3) The lady doth protest too much. I tend to find that people (women) that say they don't watch porn or think it's disgusting are the ones who like it the most. Real Talk. However, because porn is such a taboo, most people (again, women, do I need to keep doing this or can we all just acknowledge I am talking about women?) are afraid to admit they like it. And some women like it just as much, if not more, than some men. So listen lady, shut the fuck up about not liking porn and let's be real. I bet if I checked your browser I would find RedTube or YourPorn or whatever you're into. Don't lie, bitches. Celebrate. Even better, tell your man you like it. I bet you get the ride of your life tonight.

4) No matter what he says, your man is watching porn. Trust me on this. I have 2 older brothers. I have been finding secret stashes of porn since I was a little kid. I can sniff that shit out faster than a pig can find truffles. Give me 15 minutes in your house and if there is a porn stash I am gonna find it. Thanks to the Internet, they don't even need to have a porn stash any more. And thanks to private browsing, no one needs to know what the fuck they were watching. So, please, please, please believe me when I say your man is watching porn. Even if he is a shower-after-missionary-sex kind of lay, he is watching it.

5) We are all voyeurs. On some level we all have some fascination about watching other people do things, from fucking to every day life. Look at reality television. We get way more intimate, personal details of someone's life than just their sex acts when we watch these network shows. We get to the gristle of a mother fucker, and we eat that shit up. So, when someone says that they don't watch porn because it is "love making between a man and a woman and that is sacred", or some other such nonsense, you get a giant "what the fuck" from me. You just watched a show where someone proposed, someone talks about miscarriage, someone loses a parent/sibling/loved one and you think watching a chick fuck another girl while some guy jacks off is crossing an intimacy boundary? Bitch, please.

I know there are some people out there who are actually not turned on at all by porn. That I can get. If no porn is your porn, then good for you. Indifference I can actually understand. It is the people who say they hate porn and then go off on it like it is the worst thing in the world I am going to give the "what the fuck is really going on with you", face. The worst thing in the world is little kids dying from hunger. Not porn. True Story.

So tonight, when there is nothing on T.V. and your person looks at you and says, "Goddamn, there's nothing on T.V.", just ask them if they would rather watch some porn. And get some, son.

You're fucking very goddamn welcome.