The greatest friend any man can ever have....... drumroll folks.....
Is his HAND. Whether it be the left one or the right one, one thing's certain...a man and his hand, is a bond that could never be broken. If some of you have no fucking clue where this is going, I'm going to tell you...MEN LOVE SEX. So it's no surprise that they also LOVE TO MASTURBATE. JERK OFF. CHOKE THEIR CHICKEN. YANK THEIR TUBE STEAK. POLE VAULT.
You get the picture.
With a bond so strong between a man and his hand, there's only one issue. It's that some women, hate us men having that bond. But why? Is it because they feel like we're cheating? Are they jealous? Thinking about other bitches? Blowing a load far bigger than they could ever give us at that climactic state of being pleasured? The good news: we aren't cheating. The bad news: we ARE thinking about other bitches...but hey, we're not fuckin' 'em so get that angry ass smirk off your face right now (oh, if you AND your man are reading this together, stop hitting him for laughing). And as far as blowing a bigger load in the corner of the shower then on your tummy, ass, face or back? Well, sometimes mother fuckers, that too. And I don't think we should be sorry. But don't think for one goddamn second that we don't love your pussy, because we fucking do goddamnit! Mother fuckers just need a little alone time with the one thing that has been with us since day one. And damnit, you bitches just don't give up the pussy quite often enough.
I ain't gonna lie, I love to fucking jerk off. Hell, I LOVE sex. Bottom line, anything that would make me feel like my dick exploded and my brains bursted out of my fucking head, I'm "all in" bitches. I would fuck til I ejaculated my intestines. True story. That's how much I love fucking sex. For example: if I were to jack off and you said to me 30 seconds later, "Hey J-Wun, you wanna fuck my brains out you naughty little mother fucker, you?" Guess what? I'm fucking you. My dick: HARD. Your vagina: PULVERIZED.
You get the picture.
With a bond so strong between a man and his hand, there's only one issue. It's that some women, hate us men having that bond. But why? Is it because they feel like we're cheating? Are they jealous? Thinking about other bitches? Blowing a load far bigger than they could ever give us at that climactic state of being pleasured? The good news: we aren't cheating. The bad news: we ARE thinking about other bitches...but hey, we're not fuckin' 'em so get that angry ass smirk off your face right now (oh, if you AND your man are reading this together, stop hitting him for laughing). And as far as blowing a bigger load in the corner of the shower then on your tummy, ass, face or back? Well, sometimes mother fuckers, that too. And I don't think we should be sorry. But don't think for one goddamn second that we don't love your pussy, because we fucking do goddamnit! Mother fuckers just need a little alone time with the one thing that has been with us since day one. And damnit, you bitches just don't give up the pussy quite often enough.
I ain't gonna lie, I love to fucking jerk off. Hell, I LOVE sex. Bottom line, anything that would make me feel like my dick exploded and my brains bursted out of my fucking head, I'm "all in" bitches. I would fuck til I ejaculated my intestines. True story. That's how much I love fucking sex. For example: if I were to jack off and you said to me 30 seconds later, "Hey J-Wun, you wanna fuck my brains out you naughty little mother fucker, you?" Guess what? I'm fucking you. My dick: HARD. Your vagina: PULVERIZED.
GAME.SET.MATCH. J-Wunder wins...FATALITY (as you lie there, legs spread so far the fuck out and crippled, that you look like a goddamn retarded giraffe, with nicer hair).
I call it my special talent.
I call it my special talent.
All I'm saying, is that it would be some Mortal fucking Kombat shit. So why get angry ladies? Don't waste your time with that shit. Just because us dudes jack off like a group of monkeys fighting over a few bananas doesn't mean we're gonna stop fucking you. If anything, WE.LOVE.FUCKING.YOUR.AMAZING.VAGINA. But again, we just have a bond that we can't break and don't want to. It's called: having your cake and eating it too. Only in this scenario, there's one vagina and our buddy, Palmala Handerson.
Put it this way...what would you rather us do? Fuck some bitch that gives us herpes and then turn around and give it to you? OR...jack off to some porn and still be faithful and disease free? That's what I fucking thought.
Put it this way...what would you rather us do? Fuck some bitch that gives us herpes and then turn around and give it to you? OR...jack off to some porn and still be faithful and disease free? That's what I fucking thought.
And I bet you never fucking thought of that marvelous idea, huh? I know you haven't because why? Because you're too caught up with us and the bond that we have with our hand. Check it ladies...men jerking off is like women masturbating: it's a deed that needs to be done. Anytime. Anywhere. At any hour of the day. Don't sit there and lie to yourself and say that you've never done it anywhere except your house either. If you love to fuck and get the pleasure of climatication (new word...you're welcome), I'm positive you've put your hand down your fucking pants in your office bathroom, in your car or some dark ass alley at 2am. Shit, I know I have.
So beautiful females who we love to fuck so dearly, let us men rejoice and fucking yank our dicks. Whenever and as much as we like. In the shower. On the bed watching porn. Or on the couch while Enya is playing. Don't take away that bond that we have had for so long with our hands. Realize, without that bond, we wouldn't know what the fuck to do if we had some weird yogurt looking shit fly out of our dick when we had sex for the first time. Now, you wouldn't want that to happen, would ya? Real talk.
I'm done. Not because I want to stop writing but, because I'm about to go jerk off to some Katy Perry. Peace bitches.
26 comments:
LMAO... Love it and so fucking true!!! And if the chicks reading this don't want to admit they play with themselves all the time too then they are lying!!
Enya!! LMFAO!!!!!
I would NEVER think about stopping my husband from masturbating! And yes he most likely thinks of other women whole doing mothafucken wow! After 10 years of dedication to our marriage He deserves to! Plus I do it to so who cares:) sex is great! Weather it's alone or with a partner! So jack off and if your bitch don't like it then get rid of the hoe!! Lol
What about when I am always begging him for sex and he don't touch me? He would rather jerk off to porn in the basement than touch me? Any advice on that? I have no problem with him jerking off if i am getting some too but when he goes into porn mode, I am forced to take care of myself (several times a day) for months on end. Wtf is that shit?
Lmfao ENYA!!!
If he prefers porn over you, hit the road, sister! Fuck that shit!
It usually last for a month maybe two, and then he is back on me for a couple months. Shit gets annoying. If it was up to me, we would be fucking in the morning, when he gets home from work and twice at bedtime. But no it don't happen and i am forced to take care of it all alone. And don't think I'm not trying. I am always kissing on him and trying to start. Hell, I whip his Dick out and start sucking, he will let me finish him n then he goes to "clean up" and jerks off.
ROTFLMAO!!! Palmala Handerson!
One of my husband's favourite euphemism is "flog the bishop." Yes, as in the chess piece. What, you can't tell me you've never looked at a penis and thought it looked like a chess bishop.
Me n my ol man openly discuss this.
And if he's fucking his hand, and you get nothin, hit the road hunni, cuz that's the best physical bond between a woman and her man.
So let me recoil:
OK MEN!!!!
although you DO "beat the meat", n all that... we like to get FUCKED!
so true, but guys, you gotta remember, us girls have a relationship with our hand, some of which may have started before your balls even dropped. I'm not gonna lie, when i was in 3rd grade i figured out what was up down there and i never looked back. So the next time your girlfriend is in the shower moaning with a shower head between her legs or rubbing one out in the bedroom while you watch football, don't get your boxers all in a wad. YES we're probably thinking about some other dude, and hell yes our orgasm is probably 500 times more intense than anything you can give us (lets face it, the female orgasm can be a tricky thing at times). So don't bitch and moan about how you didnt get to watch or how we didn't wait for you!! We still love your dick!
U fucking rock! Make me laugh everyday keeping it real!
Learn how to give better head... maybe just mabe get off your ass, do your hair and makeup look like a sexy vixin that he'd wanna fuck. Men don't just not wanna fuck and would rather jerkit. You have to be turning him off/to the hand And if you got a full on chewbacka hairy pussy go get that shit waxed men love that and btw I am a woman
I LOVE my Toys AND My Boys!!!!!!
Im a man, ill give you some advice. Like tha reply above, dress yourself up and look good for him. Be forceful, push him up against tha wall and rub your hips and waist up against him. Just yank his pants down and start sucking. You've gotta do something to get him turned on, if not then your gonna lose him
Ever since I've been wit my girl, I've quit jacking off. Because she said why waste a load in toilet paper when I can put it up in her. She loves it when I get off inside her, she loves feeling my head swell up when it shoots out and when she gets off its thick and slimy, I look down and my dick is white from her cum. That's when you kno your hitting tha G and J spot
Ever since I am with my boyfriend, he refuses to masturbate. I even twice talked him into fapping while I watch, because it is really smexy. :3
But he says why should he fap, when he has me. So I guess you are wrong, not all men want to fap, only you, forever alone. x3
We watch each other... Sexy as shit... Maybe not every time, true. He may get his fantasy with Pam Hand in past me. I know I get my alone lover when he's not around too. Mine depends, usually, on what mfkr is hot that week. Eeeh. I used to be jealous way back when. But when we started sharing, that shit was awesome. When I thought, it may be fair if I stopped too... Naaah, Fuck that shit. I can't live without shattering some earth... We can break a he's anytime he wants.. lol... But, only ones self really knows what ones self wants, yeeah... Baiiiiby... Xo Raven
Break a bed .. I'm tardy today.. maybe I need to shatter shit..
I don't mind if my guy does it, but clean that shit up afterwards! A year after I broke up with my boyfriend, I found that shit all over my wall by my bed and my mom asked me if I spilled juice on it. That shit nasty.
I'm glad men jerk off it makes the sex last longer. and to the lame broad up above whose man would rather jerk off to porn sorry to tell you your vajayjay is wack as hell. watch porn with him and learn something.
If the good lord didn't want us play with it he should have given us little tiny arms like a T-Rex!
Love it! Couldn't have said it better myself!
Thank you for complimenting my "better than a retarded giraffe" hair. You're so sweet, I might offer you MY hand.
SHIT I WOULD BE HAPPY IF HE MASTERBATED TRUTH BE TOLD MY OLD MAN HAS TURNED INTO AN OLD MAN WORKING TENS AND US HITTING THE GYM MAKES HIM A SLEEPY BOY TURNING IN AT 8PM MOST NIGHTS I HAVE TO GET COMPLETELY NAKED AND RUB MY NAKED BODY NEXT TO HIS AND PLAY WITH HIS DING DONG JUST TO GET SOME BEFORE WHEN HE WAS SPANKING THE MONKEY WE DID IT MORE OFTEN EVEN WATCHED PORN TOGETHER NOW ITS UP TO ME TO FLICK THE BEAN OR GET HIM UP TO GET SOME BY ALL MEANS GIVE A LITTLE TO GET A LOT
When my husband jacks off he can't get it up for hrs. Maybe even the rest of the day. That is why I have a problem with him masturbating.I want to get some too goddamn it.
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