All up in the Kool-Aid

Hey, 

It's J, from ur page. Im wanting u to "write a column" about this subject.......A 29 year old woman, 4 kids married 2 times. 1st husband not there emotionally or physically, second husband abusive alcholic. The question, she nows lives on her own, still married, she has a "boyfriend"(long distance) "BESTY WITH BENIYS" at home, and a husband that is fn crazy, and wants her back! the boyfriend is the affair w the current husband, and claims to love her, bestfriend with benifits, has.issues w any kind of commitment, but is physically there? WTF did she get herself into, and WTF is she.thinking?


Hey J!

At first I was a little perplexed on how to address this situation because I was not sure if you were writing "as a friend" (i.e. meaning it was you, but wanted some anonymity), OR you were putting your friend on blast. Since you referred to all the deets in the 3rd person, I'm assuming you got your bazooka out and want me to blast a bitch. Didn't your momma ever tell you not to snitch? When my beloved Hurricanes were put on blast by that douche-tard, Nevin Shapiro, there was a T-shirt that became popular amongst us die hard fans that said, "Snitches Get Stitches For Talking Like Bitches.” I'm gonna find out who your friend is and get her one, from you anonymously, of course.

However, I'm still gonna break it down for you H-Bomb Style, because that is what I do. But I'm coming back for you.

This "woman" sounds like she likes to have her cake and fuck it, too. Damn, I can't get a motherfucker to buy me a hot dog these days and this bitch has 3 dogs sniffing at her ass. And speaking of hot dogs, I bet her vag is so blown out,  that fucking her is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. I mean, 4 kids and 3 kinds of dick? Does her va-jay-jay even know if something is coming in or going out anymore? Damn, we need to start a fund for some vaginal rejuvenation for her. Maybe get Sarah McLachlan to let us use a song for the commercial.

Ok, let’s get off this bitch’s cookie for a while (sounds like it needs the break anyway) and get down to the fuckery that she is bringing on herself. Husband, Boyfriend and Fuck Buddy? OH MY! Seriously, I am not trying to hate because I can barely juggle my life and my work schedule and I don’t have kids or a revolving door of dick to keep up with; so congrats to her for keeping that kind of Ho-show up. But how much longer is she going to be able to juggle all of this and not call out the wrong name in bed? That’s gonna be awkward!

Now let’s break down the men here. The Ex-Husband that is "effing crazy" and wants her back? He would be crazy to want that slutty, co-dependent unfaithful ho-bag. Sure, he is an abusive alcoholic who deserves to get his dick slammed in a door for ever laying a hand on her...but guess what? She can leave, get a divorce and get back to her ho game, far from the constraints of wedded bliss (and another sad kick in the nuts for the "Sanctity of Marriage") and this dickbag. And I'm sure staying married while fucking anything that throws a warm shot of Jagermeister down her throat is doing awesome things for the 4 kids mental stability and development...I would like to get a pool going to see when we think one of the girls starts stripping.

And then there is the boyfriend. I feel for him the most because I am pretty sure he is oblivious to all ho games that are being played in absentia. He probably doesn’t even know he has a designated dicker while he is just sitting at home, thinking boyfriend thoughts. I think I'm going to send him a coupon for a free STD test. Anonymously, of course.

But let us not forget the smartest mother fucker out there. The commitment-shy FB. What a fucking genius this guy is! All the fun times, none of the real “boyfriend” crap. He just comes in, throws the hot dog, and leaves. Oh, sure, he is more “on-call” and has to perform pretty much on command. However, from my knowledge of men, if a chick is offering the goods, they are taking them. If I ever met this guy, I would shake his hand. Wearing gloves, naturally.

So, dearest, sweet J, you ask “WTF was she thinking? WTF has she gotten herself into?” And now I will answer: NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS. That’s what. Who the fuck do you think you are, sitting and judging this so-called friend of yours and then telling us her story because you want us to write a column. I hope that bitch finds a brick and that brick finds your car/house window. Because obviously you can sit in your glass house and not throw stones. Oh, right you can’t. Stop being a jealous cunt because your friend’s got dick for days. Don’t hate heifer, congratulate. And get a fucking life and stop stalking hers. Maybe someone will throw a hot dog down your hallway if you stop focusing on everyone else’s shit. True Story.

Good luck getting a life and staying the fuck out of grown up shit.

H-Bomb