Advice Column: Time to Move On

Dear J-Wunder and Crew,

I got some shit for you to advise on. And better yet, I not only want to hear from you, J-Wunder the Delicious, I'd like to hear from one of your female advisors. The theme of this shit is AM I CRAZY OR???

I've been with my man for 20 years, married for most of it. I'm his second wife. He and his first wife didn't have any children, no community property, so once the papers were signed, that was that. Just a "so's ya know" type of thing. When we met I was barely 21, he was 30. I was a stripper, a coke head and shamelessly used men to get whatever I wanted. Hey, they got what they wanted, too. Some of them just wanted to be seen out with a hot girl with a 38DD natural rack and an ass you could bounce a quarter off of. That was fine. Some of them wanted more and as you yourself have said, were willing to put in the work. Anyway, that's who I was when we met. 21, way into the Pepsi and if I do say so myself, a total freaking nutcake. I was also known to dabble with women - newsflash, a lot of strippers do, big shock, right? And apparently, he took one look at me and knowing these few things about me decided I was THE ONE for him. If I'd been a little smarter, this would have told me all I needed to know about this man.

Fastforward down the road a little bit and we've had 2 sets of twins (17 & 8, respectively) so the body is shot. No way am I going to be swinging around a pole anymore. When the economy went to shit a few years back, I was laid off from an office job and haven't been able to find full time work since. I do a little part time work from home but have yet to make it transfer to any real money. He's a paycheck to paycheck motherfucker and that's okay. I never thought I'd be kept in a McMansion with servants, shopping every day in Saks... that kind of life never appealed to me and I don't expect it. I take care of our children - running everyone to school every morning, meeting buses, doing homework, that sort of thing. And of course, I pick up after everyone and cook dinner every night. J-Wunder, I don't even have a fucking dishwasher, that shit gets done by hand. That's some stone ages type of shit, amirite? But no matter. I have hands and they work.

So now that you have some background, here's where the shit hits the fan doing 80. With the advent of the internet, my husband discovered internet porn. Then chatrooms. Then webcam sites. Then a swinging site that we were members of for 6 months before I ever found out about it. I thought he was taking those pictures of me for himself. Nahhh, man. More strangers than I care to think of have seen my fat ass naked than I could possibly guess. The first time he brought up the idea of swinging, I was like, NO WAY. Of course I was eventually worn down. He wanted this and by God, he would have it. We've had mostly 3ways with other women and am I wrong when I say ALOT of men want that and never get it? But I delivered it. And was okay with it. I don't really look back on that shit and shudder or anything. Fun was had by all. But now we're at a phase where we've kind of slowed down on all activities because, you know, it got old. I got tired of going to meet and greets and parties and all that shit. And 90% of the time we do have sex, it sucks because we can't just get in bed and enjoy each other like we did once upon a time. His fucking laptop has to be on the bed with us, open to a cam site, so he can watch whatever he's in the mood for while we make the beast with 2 backs. Or he wants to do it with the cam on so people can watch us. Man, I just have NO taste for it now and want it to stop. I don't care what he does anymore, I truly don't. He wants to come home from work, lay up in the bed with the remote in one hand, his dick in the other and the laptop open next to him and ignore his entire family for whatever space of time he's home... ya know, whatever. He works, he pays the bills, if that's what he wants to do when he's not working, then, fine. I'll deal with it. This has been his every day routine for so long that the kids think something is up if he comes downstairs and sits on the couch.

So, this is the thing. Because I can't get into this shit, this online BS, we fight constantly and I think we're coming to an end. He says it's because I don't care about him enough to give him something he needs. He says he could deal with everything else if I would just give him the sex he needs the way he wants it. But it makes me fucking sick to my stomach. My stomach flips when I have to go down on him with the cam on while on a cam site, knowing total strangers are watching me do this and getting their rocks off on it. He keeps telling me I need to bring home another girl for him to fuck who will "do it the way I want since you won't". Or he thinks we should bring another guy in so he can watch me get some pipe laid by another guy. And you know, since that's what he wants, the appeal of the idea is completely lost. It's just another way to humiliate me and make me do something I don't want to do for his pleasure. So what do you think? Should I have to perform in this depraved way just because he pays most of the bills? Would you make someone do something sexually that you know they don't enjoy and in fact hate, just because you wanted it?

Sincerely,
FuckedIfIDo, FuckedIfIDon't


Dear Fucked,

I was not about to write out your whole sign off because we all know you are fucked, in every sense of the word. J-Wunder the Delicious (I can't even write that without giggling and barfing just a little) asked me to take this one because he knows I know a thing or two about your type of situation. I have also dabbled in the white girl (double entendre very much intended) and have somewhat of an 'escandaloso' past. So, who better than me to tell you how to get your shit together? Cus me, I gots my shit together.

Basically, the long and short of your story is that your husband turned a Ho into a Housewife and now he wants to bibbity-bobbity-boo your ass back into a Ho. You however, left the Player's Ball, never to return. That is actually admirable because from what I have heard, you can take the girl off the pole, but you can't take the pole off the girl. Kudos to you for becoming a fully clothed member of society. Ok, enough back patting, let me just cut to the mustard. Your husband is the reason why they have that show on Lifetime called "Snapped." Motherfuckers like him, Ike Turner and the fucked up dude from "Sleeping With the Enemy" are the reason why women kill, run away or end up stripping again. He sounds like he pretty much sucks at life and uses you like a fucking toilet to act out his kinky shit.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not thinking he's a scumbag because he likes to swing, video or do any of the other kind of shit that he does. I'm all about everyone getting their freak on, if that's what BOTH people are into. However, I think he's a giant bag of dick because he basically forces you to do it by using his limited financial power to make you feel like a captive. Does he roofie or physically force you? No. Does he do it without your 100% consent? Yes, and that is super fucked up.

I have a compromise for you. Ask you husband if you do one of the things he wants, if he will get fucked in the ass by you, with a dildo. Now, that could totally backfire and you could end up fucking him with a dildo, but normally most men will never let a woman (or anyone) fuck them in the ass. He wants you to suck dick on camera? Fine, he can suck a dick, too. Quid Pro Quo, motherfucker. Meaning, everything that he wants you to do, ask him if he would be willing to do it as well. He might get the idea of "comfort zones" and "boundaries" when it's literally his ass or dick on the line.

Here is my sage-like advice: Call The Lifetime Channel. Let them know you either want a movie made about your fucked up life or you want to be the "before bitch" on "Snapped." Let them know you are about to be the "after bitch", as well. Tell them to front you some money so you can get the fuck out of this living hell and go somewhere decent. Now, I am a realist and I know that shit is about as likely as me winning the Nobel Peace Prize in Physics. Next thing you can do is listen to that Dixie Chicks song "Goodbye, Earl." Bitches got some good ideas in those lyrics...I'm just saying. All kidding aside, you need to get the fuck out of there.

I get it, you are all kinds of broke, so taking 4 kids and peacing the fuck out may not be the best option for your family. I am guessing that your husband is about as smart as he is financially savvy, and I'm sure he has probably downloaded some no-no shit, possibly with some youngins' on your home computer, while your minor children were in the home. You following the bouncing ball, m'dear? Maybe an anonymous phone call to your local police could get you a little peace of mind. Or, maybe just taking the laptop to your local Attorney General. I know you think that you're doing right by your kids for staying there because he "provides" for you. YOU ARE FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND if you don't think your kids know the shit ain't right. Ya dig, chicky? Kids are way smarter and way more perceptive than we can ever understand. You aren't helping them by staying in this warped reality. You ARE definitely well on your way to being the next Mrs. Bates.

Earlier in your letter you mentioned community property - that is exactly what he sees you as, his community chest. He treats you like a piece of meat, hell, like a slave. It kind of sounds like this is some Napolean shit where he is a small little piece of human garbage and the only way he can feel any power is to take yours away. Honey, it's time you fight the power and get back what little life you have and the dignity that you can salvage. You need to channel you inner Angela Basset movies. No Fucking Joke. Look at her characters in "What's Love Got to Do With It", "Waiting to Exhale" and "How Stella Got Her Groove Back". All bitches who got scorned, all bitches who recovered just fine. And if that doesn't work you can still always shank that fucker and call it self-defense. Let me know if you need a good Criminal Defense Attorney, I know a few.

Go in Peace and Love, my child.

H-Bomb