Advice Column: Lighten Up and Chill the Fuck Out

Dear J-Wunder,

If you could give any advice, what would it be? BTW – I absolutely love your blog, your contributors and the variety of stuff you have on there makes me laugh every freaking day. You really are a true genius and would like to say THANK YOU from a fan for life!

Thanks,
A Ghetto Genius Lover



Dear Ghetto Genius Lover,

First off…don’t thank me, THANK YOU! It’s fans like yourself who make my job easy. Without you, myself and this blog aren’t really shit. Here’s to many more laughs each and every day. Alright, now enough with the bullshit speech, onto some fucking business.

At this fucking moment in time, the one piece of advice I could give to some people is this: LIGHTEN UP AND CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

This advice isn’t directed to all people, just those mother fuckers who have a rod shoved really deep in their fucking assholes. PS – y’all need to do something with your goddamn fucking lives…because you’re fucking up everyone else’s. True story.
You wanna know why some people are so goddamn sensitive to everything? Because they don’t know how to lighten up and chill the fuck out. You wanna know why people can’t mind their own fucking business and say shit that’s not worth listening to? Because they don’t know how to lighten up and chill the fuck out. You wanna know why people troll and hate? Besides the fact that they have no fucking lives and are complete assholes, they don’t know….you guessed it…how to lighten up and chill the fuck out. See where I’m going with this?

Understand that you’re not the only mother fucker on this goddamn planet. If you want to be respected, have people listen to you, get pussy, ride cock, have friends, create fuck buddies, enjoy goddamn mother fucking life…then you need to lighten up and chill the fuck out you sons of bitches. I get it…you’re angry that you haven’t gotten laid in like 10 years. Has the thought ever crossed your fucking mind that this is occurring because you’re a fucking cunt and don’t know how to chill the fuck out once in awhile? Oh, you’re offended because “so and so” posted something or said something that everyone laughed at, on Facebook? Grow a backbone mother fucker…not everyone analyzes shit like you do. If a picture has a funny caption on it, don’t dissect the goddamn thing because when you do, then make a fucking comment on it, guess what? YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING FUCKMOUTH. Oh, don’t EVEN get me started with some bullshit serious comment you NEED to make on a status that was only intended to make others laugh. Ain’t no one trying to hear your shit. As you fuck up the moment, guess what’s happening? Your cool points are dropping at a rapid fucking pace AND, the thought of you gaining any kind of whatever the fuck you are trying to gain, is failing mother fucking miserably.

Lighten up and chill the fuck out.

Don’t bring me down because you don’t know how to relax, laugh and live a little. Every single time you open your mouth, a kitten dies and more alcoholics are discovered. Why? Because you are fucking up our world. We’re all sensitive to certain things. However, do you really need to go out of your way to be an asshole because you want to “prove a point”? I know, I know…”freedom of speech”, right? How bout Freedom of Go Fuck Yourself? Yes, you. Self…Go Fuck It. Dickface.

Now, for you sensitive ass bitches that are reading this and taking it to heart and are all fired up…you’re welcome. Somewhere in this column you’re telling yourself, “This asshole is a fucking hater because he can’t lighten the fuck up and chill the fuck out himself. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t be talking about it and should be ignoring it.” This my friends, is where you are mother fucking wrong. Why? Because as much as you think I’m “hating” on your candy asses, I’m stating simple facts. You know what offends most people? The truth. Specifically the truth that calls them out. It’s not rocket fucking science. It’s reality mother fuckers. R-E-A-L-I-T-Y. You realize that if you took the time to not be so goddamn serious and laugh at yourself and other funny things that people would actually like you, right? True fucking story.

You know, I used to be all sensitive and shit and still can be from time to time. However, I don’t dwell on shit because why bother? No one fucking cares. You know who cares? My fucking mom and that bitch doesn’t even listen to what the fuck I’m saying 83% of the goddamn time. The only time I would care is if someone attacked me personally…then all bets are fucking off and there’s a good chance I shove a hot curling iron straight up your fucking ass. I’m not crazy, I just have a creative mind. Don’t judge.

At the end of the day, life is too fucking short people. Why do you think people can’t get along? Because mother fuckers are too serious when they shouldn’t be. There’s a time and place for that, I get it. But no one can tell me for a mother fucking second that their lives are serious 24 hours a day, 7 days a fucking week. If it is, I hope I never meet you and that a meteor comes crashing towards earth and fucking kills you. Twat.

Lighten up and chill the fuck out. It’s the greatest goddamn thing to ever be discovered. And that shit is mother fucking free.

You’re Welcome,
J-Wunder