I have a good job, making decentish money in a field in which I am mildly happy. Should there ever come a day when I am ready to drop my keys on the office manager's desk and quit this bitch I already have my next career picked out. I am going into the full length mirror business. Why the full length mirror business you ask? Because there is obviously a severe shortage in this country and I could make a minor Arabian Royal's fortune if I sold a few to those hot messes I see out and about.
First, let me drop some truth bombs and let it be known that I am not writing this from the position of some twiggy bitch who is just picking on the big girls to make myself feel better. I have always had what one would call a “badonk-a-donk” and I am in fact a size 12. But here is my biggest secret, I know that I am a size 12 and I actually buy size 12 clothes. I want to show of my ASSets in the best light,not looking like a hemorrhoid about to burst.
Every morning when I get ready to go to my 9-5er I have one goal when I get dressed. I look at myself in the mirror and I say to myself, "self, do I look like a condom filled with mayonnaise in this outfit?" If the answer is no, then I skip my happy ass out the door and go about my day. If the answer is yes, then I go back to my closet (oh, how I wish I had the closet from Clueless. Don't throw shade at me for saying that, because we all know we wanted that shit when we saw it) and find the outfit that does not make me look like a stuffed sausage. If everyone could take that same philosophy when they get dressed inthe morning then we could see some real positive fashion change and a few less moose knuckles.
Oh, the Moose Knuckle. Don’t get me started on Moose Knuckles or their evil younger sister, the Camel Toe. If you have a Hungry Hungry Hippo of a vagina then put some fucking undies on before you put your pants on, especially if they are made of some sort of stretchy material. It's real easy and then we don't have to see your Vag chewing up your pants like you haven't fed that little thing in a week. On the other hand, If you have a Moose Knuckle/Camel Toe because your pants are so tight they are cutting off your circulation, then you obviously did not follow my morning routine of asking yourself if you look like a condom filled with mayonnaise. Because you do. And now I have to look at that gnarly shit and am throwing up 2 dollars of perfectly good Dunkin' Donuts coffee.
I am just really sick of seeing girls try to Crisco their Mount Everass into something from the Body Shop's junior department. If you are a bigger girl then you know deep down in your heart of hearts if you have no business wearing skinny jeans, leggings, spandex, lycra or what ever other synthetic material that makes my lady parts pucker in horror just by the thought of it. You know the old adage that "spandex is a privilege, not a right." So then what's all the confusion about? Why do I still constantly see a 300 lb woman in a 100 lb woman’s outfit. I don’t know what friend you need to slap in their lying mouth for telling you that you look good, but that bitch obviously hates you for allowing you to dress like that and hates me for making me have to bare witness to that fashion fuckery.
Let me say for the record that I don't think that all fashion blunders are expressly the fault of the wearer. I will say it is not a woman's fault that some cock goblin in fashion decided one day that skinny jeans were going to be the next big fashion craze or that they were going to bring back leggings and options to wear instead of actual pants. No, the fault lies in the fact that these women want to go with the fashion trends and give into them, even though every part of their body is rejecting it by either eating it or flopping over the side in the most disastrous of muffin tops. Say it with me “not every fashion trend is for my body.” And then go buy a fucking mirror. Wal-Mart usually has them for less than $10. Or just check back with me a in a few weeks/months/years, I may be selling them on the side of the road!
First, let me drop some truth bombs and let it be known that I am not writing this from the position of some twiggy bitch who is just picking on the big girls to make myself feel better. I have always had what one would call a “badonk-a-donk” and I am in fact a size 12. But here is my biggest secret, I know that I am a size 12 and I actually buy size 12 clothes. I want to show of my ASSets in the best light,not looking like a hemorrhoid about to burst.
Every morning when I get ready to go to my 9-5er I have one goal when I get dressed. I look at myself in the mirror and I say to myself, "self, do I look like a condom filled with mayonnaise in this outfit?" If the answer is no, then I skip my happy ass out the door and go about my day. If the answer is yes, then I go back to my closet (oh, how I wish I had the closet from Clueless. Don't throw shade at me for saying that, because we all know we wanted that shit when we saw it) and find the outfit that does not make me look like a stuffed sausage. If everyone could take that same philosophy when they get dressed inthe morning then we could see some real positive fashion change and a few less moose knuckles.
Oh, the Moose Knuckle. Don’t get me started on Moose Knuckles or their evil younger sister, the Camel Toe. If you have a Hungry Hungry Hippo of a vagina then put some fucking undies on before you put your pants on, especially if they are made of some sort of stretchy material. It's real easy and then we don't have to see your Vag chewing up your pants like you haven't fed that little thing in a week. On the other hand, If you have a Moose Knuckle/Camel Toe because your pants are so tight they are cutting off your circulation, then you obviously did not follow my morning routine of asking yourself if you look like a condom filled with mayonnaise. Because you do. And now I have to look at that gnarly shit and am throwing up 2 dollars of perfectly good Dunkin' Donuts coffee.
I am just really sick of seeing girls try to Crisco their Mount Everass into something from the Body Shop's junior department. If you are a bigger girl then you know deep down in your heart of hearts if you have no business wearing skinny jeans, leggings, spandex, lycra or what ever other synthetic material that makes my lady parts pucker in horror just by the thought of it. You know the old adage that "spandex is a privilege, not a right." So then what's all the confusion about? Why do I still constantly see a 300 lb woman in a 100 lb woman’s outfit. I don’t know what friend you need to slap in their lying mouth for telling you that you look good, but that bitch obviously hates you for allowing you to dress like that and hates me for making me have to bare witness to that fashion fuckery.
Let me say for the record that I don't think that all fashion blunders are expressly the fault of the wearer. I will say it is not a woman's fault that some cock goblin in fashion decided one day that skinny jeans were going to be the next big fashion craze or that they were going to bring back leggings and options to wear instead of actual pants. No, the fault lies in the fact that these women want to go with the fashion trends and give into them, even though every part of their body is rejecting it by either eating it or flopping over the side in the most disastrous of muffin tops. Say it with me “not every fashion trend is for my body.” And then go buy a fucking mirror. Wal-Mart usually has them for less than $10. Or just check back with me a in a few weeks/months/years, I may be selling them on the side of the road!
Missed Part I? You can check it out here:
What the fuck were you thinking when you got dressed this morning...
10 comments:
BWAHAHAHA omg this is funny!! Ima big girl and it's effin uncomfortable to have shit all up in my twat. Wtf they thinkin??
I am ample sized and I used to dress in leggins and long sweaters ... when I was a kid in the 1990s. That's long past. (Dang, I miss the 1990s!)
Now, I dress in beautiful clothes that I make sure fit appropriately. Not too large or small. I have a job, I want to make good money. Dressing like shit does not facilitate that.
Yea, I'm a big girl too! I have been saying this for years!!! It's not CUTE to have all your shame hanging out like that. You can look super sexy if YOUR CLOTHES fit. You can still show some of the goods...just be selective which goods you choose to show! hahahahahahahahaha
Obviously Photoshopped, but still funny.
Just because they make in your size ( or you think it's your size) doesn't mean you have to wear it.
Big girls rock!
Good Gawd that's nasty....
As a plus sized girl I don't wear that shit. I used to be a size 13. And you still wouldn't catch me wearing that shit. This is how I see it. If I think big girls look retarded and need to be killed with fire when they have those short shorts on and a shirt too tight that makes them show every fat roll, you will not never ever ever ever catch me wearing that shit. Im fine with my tshirt jeans and flipflopss unless its cold. And yes I've had friends that'd tell me "oh you need to stop being so shy, your stomachs the only fat I see, the rest is fine so wear this mini skirt and tank top" like bitch. True enough my stomach is fat but the fuck am I posed to look like with this shit? A fuckin Christmas tree? Fuck no.
I have to wonder about the future of the human race. These women that are buttoning these "skinny" jeans under those bellies are in fact practicing a new form of birth control. They have got to be cutting off the blood supply to their uterus's. I'm a curvy chick, but I'm not going to dress my body in a way that calls negative attention to myself. I'm going to be fashionable yet comfortable.
HAHAHAHAHA CRISCO THEIR MT EVEREST ASS THATS SHIT WAS FUCKING PRICELESS LMAO
Post a Comment