J-Wunder's Guide to a Fun Ass Holiday Party

Holiday parties. A lot of you this year are planning to throw one. And like every party you host, you want to make sure it’s not just fun but EPIC, in a sense. So today, for those folks who are planning to throw a little holiday gathering but aren't sure what the fuck to do, grab a pen, some paper and take notes because I’m here to give you “J-Wunder’s Guide to a Fun Ass Holiday Party”.

Rule #1: Booze, Booze, Booze
I get that some of you might not drink and that’s cool. But let's be fucking real…booze makes shit a whole helluva lot more entertaining. Did you know that once the holiday season hits, alcohol sales increase by 72.6394%? Ok, that stat is a complete fucking lie but c’mon…don’t tell me for a goddamn second your alcohol intake doesn’t increase by that much (or more) once the holidays roll around? But I digress…

Booze at a holiday party is crucial. Why? Because it lightens you the fuck up. It puts those grouchy ass motherfuckers that you dread coming, in a better mood. It makes that person you’re planning to hook up with, not only look hotter, but help their morals go right out the fucking window. I mean, could you imagine how square a party would be without booze? No one would have anything good to talk about. No one could offend someone without sounding funny. No one could whip their titties or cock out on a Christmas dare…wait, what?

Please note: If you are part of the working class...please, please, please serve some good booze. Ain't no one trying to come to your house and drink Natty Light and Popov Vodka. You do that, and you'll get your ass kicked. However, if you ARE a college student, well, serve whatever the fuck you want (it's about quantity, not quality). 

Booze…serve some, drink some and get everyone shitty. If your guest can remember the following day, then you FAILED miserably.


Rule #2: Food is Mmmm, Mmmm Good
One thing a holiday party needs besides booze is food. Damn straight. No food? Have fun trying to keep guest at your pad for more than an hour, asshole. True story. Grub is important, especially when you’re serving booze. Nothing’s worse than serving a shit ton of booze and a couple goddamn cheese platters. You do that and you will see a lot of motherfuckers puking on your rug, kitchen sink, toilet, bathtub and dog. Yes, I said dog. Don’t ask…happened about 5 years ago. Not my fault they had more scotch than those piece of shit cucumber sandwiches. Just sayin’…

Anyway, no one is saying you gotta serve a turkey and shit. A good grip of appetizers should work. Taquitos, Hot Pockets, cheese platter, stuffed mushrooms…shit like that should fucking work. If you’re a lazy fuck like me and don’t want to make shit with your hands, go to Costco or Sam's Club and hit up the frozen food aisle. That place is a motherfuckers dream for holiday party apps.

Feed your motherfucking guests. If you don't two things will happen: 1) They will eat the shit in your fridge and cupboards and 2) They will steal your booze and fucking leave.


Rule #3: Music Keeps the Party Going
True story. If you have tasty booze, good food and great company…good fucking music makes the party that much better. Now, knowing this is the holiday season, you are probably asking if you should play Christmas music, right? Yes, but to a certain fucking extent. Don’t get me wrong, I love motherfucking Christmas but I don’t love hearing 10 goddamn renditions of Silver Bells. Basically what I’m telling you is that Christmas music is cool, but keep that shit limited. You know what kind of music your friends dig, so make sure your playlist is good enough to keep the party going and suits the crowd.

Ain’t no motherfucker trying to be all dressed up in cocktail attire, sipping on a martini eating a chicken skewer while listening to Marilyn Manson. Ya feel me?

Music = Dance fucking party


Rule #4: Hang a Mistletoe
Are mistletoe's gay? Not if you invite single, good looking motherfuckers. Here is one thing I learned on my path of a fucked up life: During the holiday season when people are wasted, they tend to be in good moods. Translation: Motherfuckers will make out with you at a holiday party if you have a mistletoe hanging around. They would probably make out with you regardless while trashed but, having a mistletoe makes the mood not so awkward. Don't believe me, try it. You're welcome.


Rule #5: Have Fun
Bottom line...you're hosting a party. HAVE FUCKING FUN. There have been so many times where I've been to parties where the host is an uptight assfuck (I'll admit, that used to be me). Here's an idea: Lighten the fuck up and chill the fuck out, motherfucker. Why host a party if you're gonna be all uptight and shit, right?

Party + Food + Booze + Music = Broken shit, dirty counter tops, puke stained carpet, dance party madness, randoms passed out on the couch, AWESOME NIGHT!

Realize that if your guests sense you're being an uptight little bitch, they'll leave. No one likes a Party Nazi so don't be one. Trust me, I know because I was one. So how did I snap the fuck out of it, you ask? Simple...I didn't want to be a little fucking bitch. I was cured of BITCHASSNESS. Yessss!!!


So there you have it. Five rules to follow. Were they no-brainers? Of course they were but sometimes people need some goddamn guidance. Take these tools and apply them because the last thing you need is hosting a shitty party that everyone will talk about. And we all know, throwing a shitty party is not fucking cool. AT ALL.

Tis the season motherfuckers!!!!