Advice Column: "Almost Mr. Perfect"

Dear The RINGER,

Im a little confused and wanted to know what your thoughts were. I know you always have a comment to make and figured who better to ask!

I have been seeing a guy for about two months and he is great! He has the essentials; house, car, great job, no kids, no crazy ex-wife. He is sweet, considerate and treats me like a queen. He fucks like a beast and man handles me just as I desire. So what is it that I am confused about you ask? I am not trying to sound shallow at all, but he is definitely someone I would not double take on the street.

He's one of those guys that's not ugly, but he's not hot either. He is becoming cuter every time I see him and I really do like him but I still wonder if I am being too shallow about his appearance. I am hesitant to bring him around my friends and family because I know they are going to tell me I could do better. Though my friends have no room to talk about their signifigant others, believe me!

How do I get past this and will this feeling of shallowness go away? What would you do?

Thanks :)

Time to Shine



Dear Time to Shine,

Who gives a shit what anyone thinks? Are you fucking serious right now? You basically just fucking told the goddamn world that you found your "almost close to perfect" guy. Dude got his shit together, has no goddamn baggage/drama and fucks you so good, that you walk bowlegged for 5-7 days. Am I right? However, the issue you have isn't YOUR issue but your family and friends. That being, this mother fucker might be too ugly for you. Listen and listen really fucking good, because what I'm about to pop off is the straight up, goddamn truth.

STAY WITH THIS DUDE!!!! Here's why:

He's as close as to perfect as you're gonna get. Look sweet tits, you're happy. The only problem is, you care what the fuck other people think. If you didn't, then well, your fucking family and friends  would have already met the mother fucker and he'd be fucking you in your parents bedroom, while staying over for Christmas. True goddamn story.

FACT: You can't have the whole package. Life doesn't fucking work that way. If you got someone who's hot as hell and can pass for People Magazine's hottest mother fucker, then guess what? There's a 87% chance he's gonna treat you like shit because he's way more into his mother fucking self than you. If he has money AND looks, then he probably got kids...or herpes. If he has looks, kids and treats you like a queen...he's probably broke as fuck and lives with his parents. See, you can't fucking win. However, right now in this situation, YOU are W-I-N-N-I-N-G! Like my boy J-Wunder says, "Real fucking talk, son!"

So what you'd never do a double take on this guy in the streets. This dude is pounding your pussy like he's tenderizing fucking meat so what the fuck does it matter? He's not ugly, but he's not hot either. Ummm, sweet tits, not sure if you noticed, but if looks were everything to you, you wouldn't be A) Giving this cat the time of day and B) Letting him pulverize your goddamn pussy, baby girl! You following this shit?! Where is my economy size bottle of baby powder?! Where goddamnit?!

You're concerned that if you introduce your "almost perfect" guy to your friends and family, they are going to straight up tell you, "You can do waaaaaay better"...which only means, "You could date a way better looking man." This bothers you and you can't let it. Fuck, you better NOT let it. Last time I checked, looks don't pay for cars, houses, having a job, etc. I'm guessing you're a hot little number so having this guy tied to your arm might be a shock to those close to you. Hey, shit fucking happens and remember he's fucking you, not them.

You pointed out what you're feeling is shallow and without a fucking doubt, it is shallow. Only because you care what the fuck others might think. But realize and recognize that if you put the looks aside, you're happy. Shit, your ass almost might be sprung as fuck! You're with a guy that's "almost perfect". And since I'm a fucking dude and know this shit like dicks in vaginas, I'm gonna let you know the only reason why he's "almost perfect", is for the simple fact that your family and friends are convincing you (inside your head) to believe that you deserve something just above this guy that beats your pussy up like a Rodney King riot. Because if this wasn't the case my friend, he'd be perfect. Something EVERY goddamn woman wishes they fucking had..."that perfect guy".

FACT: Women don't waste time on dudes if they don't see something good in them. Now whatever that "good" is, is subjective but, like I said, women don't waste time because they feel they don't have time to waste. Well, unless they are just sluts and whores who just want to fuck anything and everybody. Those are my kind of bitches. But this isn't about me. This is about you and waking the fuck up and introducing your "perfect guy" to your family and friends. Trust me sugar lips, when you grow the hard ass nipples to do it, you'll feel better about it. And if everyone does have something to say about who you're dating, tell them to go fuck themselves. Why? Because no one fucks you quite like Cute Cock Magee over here.

Don't fuck up perfect because you might never find that shit again,

The RINGER