My "Wish List"

Every Christmas, I'm always asked, "J-Wun, do you have a wish list this year?" And every time I get through thinking about it, I always end up not having one. That's probably because I'm drunk half the fucking time and just want to have sex with random homeless women. Wait, what?!

All jokes aside though, this year, I finally sat down with a beer in hand and thought about my "Wish List". And after thinking long and hard (that's what she said), my list was everything I imagined it could be. So without further fucking adieu, I give you "J-Wunder's mother fucking wish list for Christmas, birthdays and other shit that needs wishes list"...

1) JUST FUCKING LIGHTEN UP

I wish mother fuckers would lighten the fuck up in this world. I mean, do I really need to get into details with this wish? Too many assfucks take life too seriously. Calm the fuck down and chill the fuck out. I hate people like you and so does everybody else. You mad? Then jump off a fucking bridge because you trying to bring me down just makes me want to poke you in the mother fucking eyes, asshole. So yeah, fuck you too.

2) SHORTENED WORK WEEKS

I wish work weeks started on Sunday and ended on Monday. These are the two days where you'll never find a good happy hour or drink deal. Ok, on both these days you MIGHT find something during football season but that shit is short lived so who the fuck are we kidding, right? Tuesday-Saturday hold a special place in my heart for booze, sex and some illegal shit. Don't ask me why, it just sounds fucking amazing.

3) FACEBOOK SANS FARMVILLE

I get 10 requests a day from different friends about this game. Hey mother fuckers, does it look like I play farm games? Some of you say it's "therapeutic", I say, go fuck yourself and get a goddamn job. STOP THIS SHIT. PLEASE. You guys are worse then these World of Warcraft mother fuckers who think zombies are real. Fuck your crops, I hope they die. Oh, and if you're offended, good. Fuck you and find something better to do, like...GET A FUCKING JOB or LIFE. Whichever one comes first. Flip a coin bitches.

4) CO-WORKERS SHUT THE FUCK UP

I wish my fellow co-workers would shut the fuck up and never talk. If you heard some of these bitches open their mouths, you would wish the same fucking shit too. You're a fucking moron, you're ugly and you make me want to kill myself. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Thanks.

5) TSA GETS WHAT THEY HAVE COMING

I wish I could pepper spray 95% of TSA Security in the face. They are probably the biggest power trippers in the world. Just because you wear a special blue shirt and hold a flash light, you ARE the law?? They're the only people that unnecessarily yell and never shut the fuck up. Hey, I get it...laptops, dvds and camera's go in a bin. I don't need to hear that shit 87 times mother fucker. Here's an idea, take that special embroidered badge, turn it sideways and shove it up your candy ass. Dick fucks.

6) HANGOVERS DON'T EXIST

I love to drink. Back in my 20's, hangovers would last til I took my first fucking piss. Now that I'm 32...I feel the need to go see a doctor because I think I might have alcohol fucking poisoning. Shit is fucked up yo! I say, the older we get, the better we should feel. Kinda like a reward. You drank a 12 pack of beer? Good job old fucker...no hangover for you. Instead...you drank a 12 pack of beer? Hahaha mother fucker, you will feel like complete fucking shit while sitting on the pooper half the day with tears streaming down your fucking face. That ain't right.

7) SLAP YOU SILLY WEDNESDAY

I wish once a week, I was allowed to slap the living shit out of somebody. Lets be real...punching someone in the face is awesome, but slapping someone like a little fucking bitch is goddamn amazing! Why Wednesday? Because by Wednesday, I can taste the weekend and can't fucking stand annoying mother fuckers. A fact of life: KEEP THE PIMP HAND STRONG.

8) HEELS FOR HOT BITCHES ONLY

I wish every chick in heels would stop thinking they are hot because they wear heels. Hey, I dig me some mother fucking heels. Why? Because they are goddamn sexy. However, if you're fucking ugly as shit and overweight, heels aren't gonna turn you into Cinderella. FACT. For some reason, every woman I've encountered that wears heels seems to think their shit doesn't stink. Sorry to tell ya but your heels look better then your face. It's just to bad you're so big they look like flats now. Money can't fix ugly...neither can heels. I'm an asshole, huh? Good. You're welcome.

9) LEGALIZE COCAINE THURSDAYS

Cocaine is one helluva fucking drug. So imagine if we legalized a Cocaine Thursday's? How money would that be, right? Mother fuckers not sleeping, all high as shit and worthless as hell come Friday...unless the shortened work week came true, then no it wouldn't matter, right? Call me crazy but, if we had a Cocaine Thursday's, do you know how much productivity would increase? One thousand goddamn percent.

10) HUMAN CLONING

Three words: HUMAN FUCKING CLONING. I'm a busy mother fucker. I got places to go, people to do. If we can do test on aliens and shit, as well as clone mother fucking goats or whatever...science can start cloning mother fucking humans. I'm just sayin'.

While my clone is off to work making some dough, guess what I'm doing? Spending all the money and traveling...while getting fucking drunk, boning broads and slapping people across the goddamn face with unlimited baby powder. Holy shit...this sounds like a relationship gone bad. WINNING.



10 wishes. 10 fucking wishes that I hope come goddamn true. If they don't, I don't fucking care...I'll just get drunk and have dirty sex.