The Age Old Question: Red or White?

Everyone that I know who drinks wine has a preference and an attitude about which is better: Red or White wine. I try not to discriminate, but there is a time and a place for each.

A few days ago I was out to dinner with a few of my best girlfriends, trying to decide which bottle of wine we were going to down with our dinner. This is pretty typical as we try to class-it-up every once in a while, especially when dining out on the town.

Now, even though I can drink my weight in jager bombs, I’d like to consider the three of us as having a “semi-sophisticated palate.” So naturally, we decide to look on the page on the menu marked RED WINES. So fast forward, the waiter comes over to take our order and I decide a nice light Pinot would be perfect with dinner. And what does the ass-fuck say? “Alright ladies, I’ll have one bottle of Pinot Grigio coming right up!”

Excuse me, dumb fuck? Does it look like we’re at the mother fucking Olive Garden?? (yeah, I’ve been a time or two, but not this night). I haven’t had Pinot Grigio since I was drinking out of a fucking box of Franzia, playing slap the bag, one fateful night where I accidentally hooked up with some d-bag on a frat house floor in college. I digress…

This blatant disrespect from my waiter got me thinking… What is the difference between Red and White wine? Do they give you a different drunk? And most of all, what does drinking each of these wines say about you as a person?

The typical WHITE drinker:

• You're a chick
• You have no palette for wine
• It's hot outside and you think you're too good for beer
• You're really slutty
• It's your only option (i.e., it's past 2am, you're too drunk to go to the store, or you're taking mid-sex alcohol break)

The reason why this is true of white wine drinkers: White wine gives you a head-drunk. Don't know what a head drunk is? It's the kind of drunk that makes you a bit dizzy, you stop thinking and lose much of your brain power (hence, being slutty or thinking you're too good for beer).

The typical RED drinker:

• You watched Sideways once, and have no fucking idea why you're even drinking wine
• Likely don't care about your looks, since your teeth are fucking stained
• You've been called "pretentious" or a "douche" in the last 7 days
• You eat a lot of pasta

While White wine gives you a "head drunk," Red wine gives you a body drunk. You can think clearly, but you can't control what you do with your body... you look like a douche for drinking red wine, you might as well walk like a douche too.

Dont' believe me? Fucking drink some wine tonight. It's my favorite type of drunk.

Cheers Bitches,

Ball Buster

NOTE TO READERS: all of this research is based on fact. the fact that I was drinking wine while writing this post. Night one: white wine. Night two: red wine.