Thank you, Boulder, Colorado

As I sit here really fucking intoxicated, I thought it would be best to try and tell you fuckers how my trip to Boulder, CO went. Two words: FUCKING AMAZEBALLS!

Look guys, I can't lie. I LOVE traveling. Even more, I love traveling when I get to go to a great city. Maybe I think Boulder is great because I'm still shit faced as I'm writing this...who knows? In any event...fuck...I'm sooooo drunk still guys. I think I told 8,000 people I loved them last night. What was I saying? Oh, yeah...no fucking clue.

I'm here for work. Yesterday I came into my vendor's office thinking, "Here we go with some bullshit blah, blah, blah...I'm just gonna Facebook all day and harass my friends via IM." Well #1: Facebook was blocked at this office. My apologies for not being able to communicate with you fuckers all day. Apparently when that happens, I get more fans and hits on my blog...hmmmm. #2: No clue what to write for #2 because like I said, I'm sooooo fucking drunk right now. Jesus fucking Christ, I'm really fucking drunk. A-MAYZ-BALLS!!!!!

So lunch time rolled around yesterday and the question was asked to me from the Account Manager, "Hey, do you drink beer?" My response, "Are you fucking shitting me girl? Uhhhh...fuck yeah I drink fucking beer!" True story. Then off we went to a place called the "Pump House". Lets just say, I drank my lunch...

6:45pm...

A few co-workers of mine, who went to CU, suggested to go to a place called "Rio Grande". Only because they know I LOVE to drink and this place "apparently" has a 3 drink max on Margarita's because they are sooooo fucking strong. I love a goddamn challenge and this was one I was willing to accept. Shiiiiit...especially if my vendor is fucking paying for it, right?

Bottom line, I drank three of these so-called "strong margarita's" and was unable to order a 4th. Lucky for me, the other 4 people I was with offered me two more drinks that they didn't want. Conclusion: YEAH BITCH...I'M STILL DRINKING!!!! I pound #'s 4 and 5 and we head the fuck out.

Shooters (the bar with the mechanical bull):

So here I am...at this place at 8:30pm. The bar is dead as fucking shit. However, dead bars equal one thing - DRINKS ANYTIME I WANT, WHEN I WANT. 5 of these bitch ass margo's in, I decide to order shots of Jameson and a few Jack 'n Cokes (Diet Coke actually...don't laugh...gotta watch my figure assholes). Drink after drink, shit was going down way too smooth. And it being a Thursday night in a great college town the hot ass bartender tells me, "Hey guy, it's 1 dollar everything tonight including mechanical bull rides and also there is a bikini contest...if you're still around, please vote for me." Ummmm bitch...you had me at 1 dollar everything!!!!!!!

No need to get into some boring shit (great reason to not type because I'm still fucking wasted) but, I basically drank everything under the sun. Shots, cocktails and beers. It was so lovely. By 10pm I was trashed (I think) and asked one of the hot ass bartenders if I can be a guest judge (you know, since I'm from California) for the college night bikini contest. And by the powers that be, they said, "SURE...you're hot and we'd like for you to be a judge." I was kinda floored by this (in reality, I totally got a fucking drunk boner and didn't want to leave the area I was standing in) and like a pussy, bailed out and said, "You know what...I can't." I know...I'm a fucking vagina. Thanks for reminding me.

Where the fuck was I? Oh yeah, I got trashed. So as the night went on, the drunker I got. Realize, when you're not paying for shit, you'll drink more and act a fool. That I did. Well, not really. Shit, did I? Anyway...

There was a point in the night that this place got fucking PACKED. Mind you, I'm 32 years old. I graduated from college 10 fucking years ago. Did I care that I was this old ass man in this young ass bar? FUCK NO! Good thing I didn't give two fucks because man...there was some beautiful mother fuckers out...specifically two cougars. Now, were they really cougars? I have no fucking clue. I've been drinking for hours and couldn't tell sugar from shit...so for the sake of the argument, lets just say they were. They cruise up next to me and my peeps at the bar and I think the conversation went down like this:

Me: "Hey ladies, it's a lovely night tonight...could I buy you two a drink?"

Cougs: "It is a lovely night but our nipples are hard cause that wind is picking up. Sure you can buy us a drink."

Me: "Wow...I couldn't tell you had diamond cutters...but now that you say that, you're right...your fucking nipples could definitely cut some glass. What's your poison?"

Cougs: "You have no filter, huh? That's cute. We'll have some lemon drops."

Me: "Filter? What's that? Lemon drops it is."

Cougs: "So where you from?"

Me: "California ladies and tonight I want to ask you two beautiful broads one question...would you like to do the nasty? On that there bull over there?"

Cougs: "Are you fucking serious?!"

Me: "As fucking cancer baby."

Cougs: "Hell yeah!"

FACT: This story is completely false. I blacked out by bikini contest time.

I have no fucking clue what the fuck happened. All I know is that I woke up with one shoe on, boxer briefs holding a 5 dollar bill. Please don't ask...I have no fucking clue. Oh, and how I had one shoe on with just underwear leaves me fucking speechless.

My point is I got fucking drunk. And didn't pay for shit. Boulder, thank you for making me feel young again and giving me a hangover I will not regret. I'm soooo fucking trashed right now I can't even think. I don't think this story made sense but ask me if I give two shits?

Next stop...Las fucking Vegas. Pray for me...I'll need it.