J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

This weeks column isn't about Ronnie and Sammi acting like bitches. This weeks column isn't about how I'm still baffled that "The Situation" knocked himself out...on a concrete wall. This weeks column isn't about how Pauly D and Vinny made me piss myself from saying or doing some funny shit. This weeks column pertains to one thing and one thing only: SNOOKI, DEENA and the beach vacation.

LESBI-HONEST...

I'm all for seeing girl-on-girl action. Shit, 64.782% of America is game for seeing girl-on-girl action. However, I'm not for seeing girl-on-girl when two of those girls look like fucking Ewoks, with tanned skin that resemble Jaundice and orange chicken, and who are so drunk that they don't know sugar from shit. Seriously. Watching Snooki and Deena make out was like watching a bear fuck a midget. It wasn't right.

I get how Snooki didn't want to cheat on her man. But for fuck's sake, does Deena not resemble a fucking dude? Those hands. That voice. That Adam's apple. Wait, what?!

Never have I seen two females, especially "best friends", go to town on each other like that. Something that was asking for attention. It was like a porno gone wrong. And what made matters worse, was when those bitches went back to the house, hopped in bed and got dirty-dirty. See to me, the roommates and the rest of America, that was no big deal. Knees were up under the covers, and more than likely - some titty sucking, carpet munchin' and scissor locking was going on. Why wouldn't it, right? I mean, mother fuckers were drunk, horny and something I can't comprehend. All that translates to is something fucked up and sexual.

I think Vinny put it best when he walked in the room the next day and said, "It smells like…hot sweat and regret last night." For some reason, I imagine after those two did the dirty, it probably smelled like feet, ass with a touch of red snapper. Throw in a hint of cinnamon and you got yourself some shit that will give you the goddamn fucking stomach flu. Or herpes. I don't know why I said herpes, it just sounded right at the time.

Blame it on the alcohol, stress, lack of sex with a man...whatever...the reality is, what these two did, didn't sit well with my stomach. Not because I'm against girl-on-girl action...but because these two bitches just give me the heebie fucking jeebies. Eek. I still don't think I can get a boner after witnessing that shit. Matter of fact...does anyone have some Viagra and a nudie mag I can borrow so I can figure out if I still have my manhood? That shit ain't fucking right.

What's gonna happen in episode 8? More girl-on-girl? Ronnie and Sammi calling each other a stupid cunt? Pauly D and Vinny fighting with some Italian locals? Mike crashing his big ass dome into more concrete walls? Who knows...one things for sure...some fucker from the Jersey Shore is gonna look like a fucking ass.

Until next time...