Aaaahhhhh shiiiitttt folks, episode three got me sayin', " What in the fuckin' fuck, mother fuck?!" Time to bust some J-Wunder critic review knowledge...
Desperate Times Call for DEENA Measures (good shit right?):
How do you say, "Cock blocking bitch" in Italian? Your first response would be, "The Situation" (in an Italian accent). This is true, BUT for all intensive purposes, the correct answer is...wait for it...DEENA-BELLA. This fucking cunt, right?
People, the #1 thing America can't fucking stand to watch (but love the drama it causes) is cock blocking mother fuckers. That's right. And this bitch Deena, cock blocked like no other. Lets forget the fact that she threw herself at some local Italian guy that looked like Pee-Wee fucking Herman but was probably packing a dick as big as a baby rhino (but smelled like prosciutto). Truth is, she hooked up with this kid because she wanted to get the guys of the house jealous. FAIL BITCH...you failed miserably. Lets be honest, this is one bitch, no man would ever be jealous of. I mean why? Look at her. She looks like she's a cross between that Frodo dude from Lord of the Rings and a goddamn Muppet Baby...but with great tits. So let's just end it there because there's a bigger issue...
SHE COCKED BLOCKED!
The gameplan was sign, sealed and delivered for "The Snitch-uation" and these twin sluts getting their threesome on, back at the house (please note, that sister that claimed she was a virgin...GTFOH! I know a virgin when I see one and bitch, you a slut). But that all came to a crashing halt when Deena decided she wanted in on the amazing fun. See, I wouldn't have an issue with this if the situation came natural. Meaning, Deena was invited. Instead, this goddamn warlock decided to cock block the party by swoopin' in on the fun and trying to take over. Rule #277: never let a bitch cock block your party unless she's willing to be part of a now, FOURSOME. Not sure what she was thinking but if you guys are wondering on how to piss off a guy, do what this bitch did and get in on the fun because, "You like chicks" and "You're a party in a glass". Somebody fucking shoot me. Please.
However, to this nasty bitches credit, Mike didn't get his threesome, Vinny popped a "virgins" cherry and Deena realized that she likes dick and not vagina. Not sure how she can like dick when no one has given it to her in like 2 fucking seasons. Delusional slut. Wait, she's a kissing slut. Actually, can a girl even be considered a slut if all she does is kiss? Those bitches are called prudes, right? Why am I still talking about this disgusting broad. Fuck me (not literally, but you know).
Love is a fucked up thing:
I knew it. I knew it and America fucking knew it. The return of Ronnie and Sammi and their dysfunctional relationship is BACK!!!! Why? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why...mother fucking WHY?! Who are we kidding? Why are we shocked? America loves and hates these two. Loves them for the drama. Hates them for the drama. These two remind me of that couple where the really fucking fat guy is dating the amazing 5'11" hot porn star. Or the bad car accident that you don't wanna look at but you have to because for the first time in your life, you will see, first hand, what a decapitated body looks like. Better yet, these two are like that bad case of gonorrhea you got from that random hook-up Freshman year in the dorms then got it again from that same chick at a random house party 5 years later. It makes you say, "WTF" over and over again.
Lets not applaud that these two haven't fought in 36 hours or whatever the fuck. We all know damn well that whenever these two get back together, by the 5th day, they are throwing shit at each other and saying things that make me look like a goddamn fucking saint. Maybe Snooki was right...maybe they are meant for each other. It makes sense I guess. I mean, these two mother fuckers are goddamn crazy and crazy people, love other crazy people. They love to fight, they love to lie to one another, they love to not trust one another...the list goes on and fucking on.
The sad part about this is, their shit is getting old. America is tired of seeing the shouting matches, the constant break-ups and whatever else we're used to seeing. When is America gonna see a mother fucker get choked? A mother fucker get shanked? A mother fucker getting caught fucking somebody else in the house? A mother fucker "accidentally" getting pushed off a balcony because they were "too drunk" and "blacked out" during that horrific "3 hour time frame"? When are we gonna see the real shit that is gonna boosts MTV's ratings through the goddamn roof? Only time can tell I guess. For now, we will just cross our fingers for these two to do something that will shock us all. They can still go fucked themselves if you ask me. Just sayin'.
Next weeks episode should be one for the ages. There is no better way to end episode 3 then with "The Snitch-uation" getting caught for running his goddamn mouth about boning Snooks 2 months ago. Where's the trust between the guys? Well, we all know, anything that involves Mike, trust is thrown out the fucking window. Unless your name is Vinny or Pauly D, trust no one. Not even your own fucking momma. Be ready to see a mother fucker get knocked out next week, while laughing your ass off. I have a good feeling something will be worth watching on Thursday. Just make sure to grab a bottle of your favorite booze, a hearty snack and an attention span of an Asian kid. You won't wanna miss it.
Until next week bitches...
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