"D" stands for DESPERATE:
"Never in my life, have I met a girl that could just hook up and have no feelings. They always end up having some kind of feelings...somewhere." - Pauly D
That statement right there applies to 75% of women. Especially to Big Titty Deena. I thought I saw it all when Snooki had a hard time getting some cock 2 seasons ago, but man...Deena, you are one fucking desperate bitch. There you are, throwing your pussy at Pauly D and you still can't get him to fuck you. But to Pauly's credit, he's not trying to bang you and have you go Stage 5 on his ass. There's no doubt he's trying to get laid...it's just not with you. Good thing too because truth be told, in this episode, you showed glimpses of stalkerism (yes, this is now a word). Trying to get your boy's attention (by yelling his name like you're his goddamn mom) as he's trying to get his freak on with some Italian broad. Your attempt to cock-block failed miserably and you should be ashamed of yourself. Ashamed that you can't take a hint and aren't going to get laid (at least from him). See, any time a woman throws her vagina at a man, 9 out of 10 times, the man will take the bait. However, if they turn it down, there's a serious fucking problem. It can be anywhere from knowing the chick has herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, hepatitis, or, in your situation, a severe case of crazy. And bitch, we all know, you are fucking CRAZY. Your rebuttal to that is, "I'm just loud. What's the big deal?" Whatever bitch. You are CRAZY.
Stop acting fucking desperate and try to put in some work. I don't know how many times you've thrown your vagina at men on National Television for free, but it ain't working and you look like a goddamn mother fuckin' fool. Stop this shit and try something new. Or just jump off a fucking bridge for fuck's sake. Cunt.
Captain Save a "Situation":
If I were to describe Mike in one word it would probably be: DOUCHE. Or better yet: FAG (Please note, I don't mean this in a discriminatory way towards gay people. To be honest, gay people even call Mike a fag. True story...just ask J-Shap.)
Like Big Titty Deena, Mike is a desperate, desperate man. Dude, how on earth can ANYONE, be jocking Snooki like you do? The bitch has the skin color of orange chicken from Panda Express AND and she ain't cute. I may not be the cutest, but fuck, I'm a tad bit cuter than that bitch. Ok, so she lost weight. What now, she's an ugly skinny girl instead of a ugly fat chick? Whatever. Anyway, Mike, you being you, had to go and play Captain Save a Hoe, by coming to Snooks rescue when her and her man got in a little tiff on the phone. I mean, really player? You're gonna stoop that fucking low just so you can try and tap that ass again? Brohemus, c'mon man. Hasn't stardom taught your stupid ass anything? Don't beg because you look like Deena...and a homeless dog.
And just when you thought it didn't get worse, you hook up with a girl that's DTF. Hey, I get it. But the fact of the matter is, 70% of women that are DTF, are either: 1) Ugly, 2) Have some shit on their vagina, 3) Or in your case, wanna get on tv. Out of the three I just listed, I think you're screwed amigo. Any chick willing to come back to fuck you (especially you) after being called a whore and slut by Snooki, has no self-worth. True story. Here you are on national television basically making this girl out to be a hooker. Actually, Blondy McBoobies is making herself out to look like a slut, huh? Her mom and dad must be so proud.
In any event, stop the bullshit games with Snooki man. You ain't digging her. All you are trying to do is homewreck because that's your forte. I know it and so does fucking America. It's kinda sad actually. But hey, you're Mr. Superstar and I'm just a piece of shit talking shit, right? Right. I hope you catch some disease that makes your dick look like 3 month old salami. Salami's from Italy, right?
When World's Collide...or just Ronnie and Sammi:
When intoxicated, it's never good for couples (or ex-couples) to talk...ABOUT ANYTHING! In Sammi and Ronnie's situation, they shouldn't even be in the same fucking building. EVER. Here's the reality with these two fucks: THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER.
"I'm done with him and you being drunk...you guys are a bad time. Like, for real." - Vinny
Gorilla Boy and Cunt Spice have a dynamic that can't be explained. But if you're fucking miserable like these two fucks, then you probably understand. How many times have we heard, "I'm just here to have fun", "I don't care what he/she does", "I'm always gonna love him/her"...blah, blah, fucking blah.
Rule #1 of knowing an ex is crazy: They never shut the fuck up about you or what you do. They keep tabs on you and always...ALWAYS, act as if you two are still together.
Ron-Ron and Sammi, exemplify this times 1 fucking million. Drunk, sober, whatever...those two are a match made in a really fucked up heaven where only degenerates are accepted. I would say they belong in hell but Satan doesn't deal with bullshit drama these two twats bring.
I will say this, Roid Rage Ronnie has kept to his word (for now) in having fun. However, Sweetheart Sammi is a goddamn train wreck. This bitch is reaching Stage 5 status and I smell something brewing in the air sooner than fucking later. By episode 5, I'm betting all my marbles one of these mother fuckers is dying...or at least getting choked in their sleep.
Check their ID:
In Italy, how do you know if chicks are underage at the bar? Easy. Just listen to Vinny and Pauly D's "Why she's too young for you man"...
"Yo, if she still have coloring books, she's too young for you man!"
"If she has a basket on her bicycle, she's too young for you man!"
"If she still has the parental controls on her t.v. in her bedroom, she's too young for you bro!"
"If she only owns Snow White on dvd, she's too young for you man!"
"If her KEDS still light up, she's too young for you bro!"
That was easy, right? I gotta say, if you aren't a fan of the show, if you watch these two guys, you will be. Trust me. We all live for the Reality TV drama but man, these two guys always throw some shit out there that people will be talking about forever. I mean, fuck...just because of Pauly D, my ass can't stop saying, "Yeaaaaahhhh buddy." Fuck you guys for actually being cool. Wait, did I just say that? Whatever...fuck it. Yeaaaahhh buddy!
What's cooking for this week? Who's hooking up and who's beating the shit out of each other? I have a feeling something's brewing and it's either coming out of the corner of Ron-Ron and Sammi Spice or Mr. Situation himself. I just hope that Deena finally gets dick because it's getting to the point where I might ask my readers to donate money for some guy to actually fuck this chick. Remember, free pussy isn't everything. If you need a reminder of this advice, just look at Deena. Bitch is broke.
Ciao mother fuckers...
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