I hate Starbucks. I hate everything about those sons of bitches. More importantly, I hate those goddamn regulars at Starfucks. Oh, you fuckers know exactly what I'm talking about, so don't sit there like you don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Know what I'm fucking talking about? Wait, what?
These "Regulars" come in 3 different types. All types that you've probably seen. Need something a little more goddamn specific, well here you go:
Meet Joe Black:
Everyday this fucker walks in and orders one Venti Black Coffee and a pastry. Simple right? Fuck no. Why? Well, for some strange reason, Mr. Plain Black Coffee fuck face, thinks it's ok to have a 10 minute conversation with the goddamn cashier every morning. Hey asshole, did you notice the 10 other people behind you? No one gives a shit about your goddamn weekend at the lake let alone how your wife is fucking your son's best friend. Just because you spend $3 a day here, doesn't give you any right to think it's a fucking therapy session with the fat ass barista, who in fact, is fucking 20% retarded and drools when pronouncing her fucking "S's" jerkoff. Stop this shit.
Need some help? Here's a fantastic fucking idea dip shit: Fuck your wife more than once a year so she can stop cheating on you with Tiny fucking Tim, or jump in front of a goddamn bus and hope it kills you. For fucks sake, grab your shit and go mother fucker. This ain't church and I don't see a goddamn confession booth. Dick.
The Special Orderer:
Three words: FUCK THESE PEOPLE! Every fucking time they set foot in a Starbucks be ready for them to order some shit that takes 10 minutes to explain, and 20 minutes to make.
Can someone tell me what the fuck is a Non-fat, Soy Latte Latte, with 1/3 of whip, 1/4 shot of caramel, 3 ice chips, a splash of vanilla (but the real shit, not that fake shit), extra hot with a blah, blah, blah...SHUT THE FUCK UP ASSHOLE! Who the fuck orders all that and knows if all that shit is actually in there? How bout I take your cup, pour some milk in it, then take a fat shit in there? Not only will it be extra fucking hot, dick fuck, but your drink will come with a free fucking brownie and some corn. Get the fuck outta here you special ordering mother fucking fuckety fuck. You're ordering coffee like you're ordering shit for a goddamn bridal registry. I bet you masturbate to songs by Bette fucking Midler.
I'm not sure what I want:
Who goes into a coffee shop, like a goddamn Starbucks, and doesn't know what the fuck they want? These assholes. It never fails...they walk in, browse the menu for the 15 minutes while in line, and when it comes time for them to order, you hear these words..."Hmmm, I'm really not sure what I want. What do you suggest?" Are you fucking serious right now you stupid fucking cunt? I have an awesome suggestion: How bout you get your ass out of the fucking line so I can order some goddamn coffee you fucking douche? How bout that? Better yet, how bout you take one of those bananas they have sitting near the cash register and shove that up your ass? It should help you think better. Twat.
Give me a fucking goddamn break right now. 15 minutes in line and you don't know what the fuck you want to drink?! Bitch, it's coffee. This isn't a fucking 9 course meal. Hell, this ain't even fucking Denny's. Order some shit, and shut the fuck up. Please. Cunt.
Three types of "regulars" that get me going. Now, you're all probably wondering, if I hate Starfucks so much, why do I keep going back? Well assholes, if you must know...I'm fucking the manager from there and I get free coffee and breakfast sandwiches. So there. Fuck you!
Time to get me a Non-fat, Double Mocha Frappuccino, no whip. Later fuckers!
22 comments:
OMG~You are so funny!! Love your posts and hope they never end..Gotta go so I can wipe the LOL tears from my eyes and the snot from my nose...
This was so fucking funny!!!
I;m the last one, but with a twist, if I don't know what I want when I'm at the Cashiers desk, I order a Cafe Latte. Easy.
Vente with whip white mocha...my favorite! Haters gonna hate. ; )
Never had Starbucks. Seems too pretentious, but the blig is funny as fuck. I love you guys.
Blog*
I never go to starbucks, but in my local cafè I go in and they always have my coffee literally brewing just before I get to the counter because I ALWAYS get the same thing. Double shot cappuccino with hazelnut syrup. The only thing they have to ask is if I want it to go or not. Predictable? Maybe. Unadventurous? Sure. But you won't catch anyone behind me bitching because I take too long in the que lmao.
LOVE This!! soooo damn true!!
These fucktards are not just exclusive to Starfucks. I've met cunts like that everywhere from the local bar on a saturday night to Ace Hardware. Stupid is as stupid does....
These are the same people who go into a restaurant and make a waitress's day a nightmare!
Pfft, I was fucking a restaurant owner and I never waited or paid. Better luck next time having to wait in line with the rest of the people. That's your place. Ha
"a free fucking brownie and some corn." LMFAO!!! They are gonna wanna charge an extra quarter for that corn though... Fuckin' Starbucks.
I agree with all that. But how is that Starbucks fault I don't think their the cause of stupidity in this country
I keep my shit simple 20 0z Snickers latte via drive through.
Off the subject but have you ever noticed that the people that work at Starfucks and the ones working at Whole Foods are oddly similar? So deep, dark and misunderstood. Those emo fucks irk the shit out of me! Take some fucking Prozac and try consuming something that's not organic!
Im the last one to.. but if i cant decide in oh say 10 minutes while letting others go a head of me.. i just leave, don't want to waste anyone else's time
This shit was hilarious! I work at a Dunkin Donuts and these '3 types' apply here as well!
They also try to order the same thing when they go in a local coffee shop....No you can't have a fucking venti there!
That was fan-freaking-tastic!!!!! Oh lawd !! And the previous comment about not just applying to Starbucks is true :) GM for a fast food chain and my favorite ever is 'Do you have coffee?' Nope. Not at all. What's that? Coffee? I've never heard of that before in my life! You must be from a different state.......
Every single morning I GO THROUGH THE SAME DRIVE THRU @ THE SaME TIME so as the say welcome spill I say GOOD MORNING GUYS they know and respond good morning Sherry fahh pull around we got ur cup. Right here... Venti Soy caramel caramel Machiatto 2 shots light ice with extra drizzle and I tip them 2 bucks...but they leave little messages and doodle pics on my cup...starbuck addict.....hmmmm
If you are paying $3 for a black coffee the least you can get is a 5 minute talk. A person needs their moneys worth and hey they aren't talking to you so shit take the time to get a bj in the managers office.
Are we not going to talk about the obvious fourth type that's easily the worst of em all?!--the teenage white girl ordering a vanilla bean frappuccino (ya know, the one
WITHOUT FUCKING COFFEE IN IT) just to instagram the cup and check into Starbucks on Facebook....no need to elaborate any further on this type, because you ALL know exactly who the fuck I am referring to here, n they are easily by fucking far the absolute goddamn worst!
Post a Comment